My Favorite Things. Community Group
"The ability to love can never be taken away from me, except by me. When I can get myself out of the way long enough to love another human being, it's the best feeling I know of."
This !
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing " ?
" Reading a book," she replies, ( thinking, " Isn't that obvious " ? )
" You're in a restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
" I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
" Yes, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
" If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault, " says the woman.
" But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
" That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
" Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing " ?
" Reading a book," she replies, ( thinking, " Isn't that obvious " ? )
" You're in a restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
" I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
" Yes, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
" If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault, " says the woman.
" But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
" That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
" Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
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" Name A Term Used In Football " ?
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
I have chronic CD (cursing disorder) and have really been working hard on my filthy mouth.
In fact, I gave up cursing for Lent.
How long does Lent last again?
It's gonna be way hard, lol......
Isn't Lent about two or three days long, I do forget. I am Catholic, but have not been to church in a long time. I need to go and confess my sins soon. They have been piling up lately, and I need to get a load off.
Kinda like that "Who's on First" thing, anyone remember that one? I only remember the first line'
"Who's on First"
Great topic!
http://www.baseball-almanac.com/humor4.shtml
http://www.baseball-almanac.com/humor4.shtml
thanks so much for sending E this link. I sent you a hug and friend request.
Thanks again, its so.
Way cool, I love this bit.
This was so very thoughtful of you hon, and E forwarded it to me yesterday. have a blessed day.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION Last name: ________________
( Check appropriate box ) First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________( If not sure, leave blank )
Education: 1 2 3 4 ( Circle highest grade completed )
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? ( Check appropriate box )
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO =
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: =
[_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know
REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION Last name: ________________
( Check appropriate box ) First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________( If not sure, leave blank )
Education: 1 2 3 4 ( Circle highest grade completed )
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? ( Check appropriate box )
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO =
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: =
[_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time..
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the
glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little
more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop. " Mother," the nuns asked with
earnest, " Please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and said, " Don't sell that cow."
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the
glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little
more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop. " Mother," the nuns asked with
earnest, " Please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and said, " Don't sell that cow."
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the
glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little
more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop. " Mother," the nuns asked with
earnest, " Please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and said, " Don't sell that cow."
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the
glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little
more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop. " Mother," the nuns asked with
earnest, " Please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and said, " Don't sell that cow."