My Favorite Things. Community Group
"The ability to love can never be taken away from me, except by me. When I can get myself out of the way long enough to love another human being, it's the best feeling I know of."
This !
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing " ?
" Reading a book," she replies, ( thinking, " Isn't that obvious " ? )
" You're in a restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
" I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
" Yes, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
" If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault, " says the woman.
" But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
" That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
" Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing " ?
" Reading a book," she replies, ( thinking, " Isn't that obvious " ? )
" You're in a restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
" I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
" Yes, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
" If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault, " says the woman.
" But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
" That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
" Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
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" Name A Term Used In Football " ?
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the
glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little
more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop. " Mother," the nuns asked with
earnest, " Please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and said, " Don't sell that cow."
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the
glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little
more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass
down to the last drop. " Mother," the nuns asked with
earnest, " Please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and said, " Don't sell that cow."
(August 31, 2013)
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during
the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during
worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship
when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently
do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or
water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that
should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the
sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children
and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back
on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the
congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to
any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said
during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation
not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.
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Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
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All men are idiots ... I married their king.
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The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
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If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
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The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
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It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
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If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat ?
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Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
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Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It !
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Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again ?
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If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away ?
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He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit
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I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Glad you don't attend my church.
I found this funny:
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegal’s) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me .....oh, shoot ... I'll see you on the bus