Hi Paint,

I can totally and 100% understand your feelings. I can imagine that you are not only feeling betrayed, unbelieved, unloved but cursed also. Sometimes it seems as if some people have such a really hard time in life. Others seem to coast on by and people like you...and me...are just stuck in mud standing under a dark cloud waiting for the next electric thunderstorm to open up right on top of us.

This thing you have with possibly doing yourself in has to stop though. I am bipolar and believe me I have been suicidal many many times. I see your cry for help. I have read your other posts and they are practically crying out for help. I know that it seems like you have reached the end of your rope. But you have to really take stock of what you have in your life that is positive.

You have your dogs. To me dogs are just like humans, only 10 times better. They are your best friends. They will ALWAYS be your best friends no matter how bad off you get. They will love you to the end....hopefully their end from old age and not YOURS.....I will tell you something I do not tell many people. My uncle committed suicide by hanging himself 2 years ago right before Halloween. It was pretty gruesome because it took forever for someone to call it in. You see he hung himself from the tree at the house where he used to live with his mom (my grandma) and she was currently in a nursing home with Alzheimers so bad she no longer recognized him.

He had threatened suicide on many occasions to different family members, mainly my cousin who was his best friend. My cousin was concerned at first but then brushed it off since my uncle was known to be very melodramatic. He was a genius many times over and he never learned to deal with that. He could not hold a job and had to live with his sister (my mom's twin sister) when his mom went to the nursing home.

The reason no one called in his suicide right away was because, even though the tree was in the front yard and it was a busy street, everyone thought that he was a hanging "dummy" that someone had put up for Halloween. That is very sad. It has left all of us in limbo for such a long time. my mom and her twin no longer talk to their older sister because my older aunt blamed both of them for his suicide. I love my older aunt and now I feel like I am betraying my mom and my second mom(mom's twin) by even mentioning her. As far as I can tell there has been a lot of "disowning" since his death. I know he would not have wanted this. He was peaceful and loving.

So here is the really sad part, the part that relates directly to you. He had a really cute black apple face chihuhia dog. Molly is so little and sweet. She makes little chortling noises and likes to cuddle and protect. She loved my uncle fiercely. When he died she seemed to know instinctively that he was not just gone to work and coming back home. She literally cried. It was awful sounding and made us cry listening to it. There were real tears in her eyes and I kid you not. She would not eat for almost two full weeks. The only way she got water was because my aunt (one my uncle was living with) gave her water through a baby dropper. She did this so many times during the day. The vet said he would have to place her on a drip if she did not come out of it soon...otherwise she would die.

She mourned him deeper than I have ever seen a person mourn another person. The only way she came out of it is because of my aunts chihuhia named Chico. Chico is a much older dog than Molly and he usually didnt like her much. I guess because Molly liked to play and he preferred just laying around and eating. Well after that two weeks of not eating a miracle happened. He began to leave my aunts bed and seek Molly out to sleep with her. He would cuddle with her and when someone came close to them he would growl. He was her new protecter. He then began to actually bring her pieces of food in his mouth and drop them right in front of her. Although she would turn her face away he was very patient. He would nudge the food with his nose to her mouth. Finally after about a day and a half she slowly began to eat. Just a bit but it became better.

Today the two of them are best friends. But Molly has changed. She no longer plays at all. She has a "suck baby" that she always has to be sucking on. Sometimes she will whine and Chico knows exactly what is wrong and he will go run and bring her baby to her, because he knows she has forgotten where it is. She sleeps a lot and does not take kindly to people she does not know. My aunt says that it is amazing how much Molly seems to love me. She lets me pick her up and cuddle her....she doesn't even let my mom do that. I can carry her around with me and she snuggles in my arms. She even rolls over and lets me scratch her tummy.

My aunt and my mom think that it is because out of all the family members I am most like my Uncle. I am not a genius but I do have a high IQ, I am very eccentric just like my uncle was. I think that Molly senses this and I know that my mom and aunt think that is the reason she loves me so much. She actually does better when I am with her because she remembers how to protect. Her little black eyes watch me carefully and if I go outside to smoke my mom says that Molly will get down from her pillow and just stand at the door watching it until I come back in....safely. My aunt wants me to take her with me and I would except that it would be horrible for her and for Molly's best friend Chico. I could never part that family.

You see Paint, you have a wonderful family. Your dogs will always be your family. But if you kill yourself you will kill them. Who will take the time to make sure they get the water they need while they mourn you through not eating? That would be so selfish of you to do that to them. I know you have not thought of that probably but it is true. The only thing that stops me from swallowing all my pills is the thought of my sons. They are 12 and 14. My husband says it would destroy my youngest and my 14 year old would be following my example in just a short time after I had gone. He firmly believes this.

As for you taking off and going to the coast....well why not???? I would do if I did not have the responsibility of a marriage and children. I would pack up my Boston Terrier, my orange tabby cat, and my sweet little gray dove and I would hightail it to Rockport, TX. Pretty cool place....you still get to smoke in the stores and the restaurants. No prejudice. Sounds like Heaven to me. But I am bound. My husband wont even considering moving to a cooler part of Texas (is there one????) due to my overwhelming negative response to the heat here in Central Texas (imagine opening a stove that is set to 250 degrees and feeling nothing but hot dry air flying out at your face...that is "here" in a nutshell). At least he is considering letting us get away for a month or so during the hottest months....if its "cheap" enough.

So you want a change? your not tied down girl!!! Do it!!! If I were you I would. Then as you make your plans and decide exactly where you want to end up contact the MS Society. They will help you find an MS Specialist who will see you. Are you on SS Disability? If not find a lawyer who can get you on it. Its not really hard to do it. All you have to do when you are filling out the paperwork is really write down every single thing that MS does to you and how it affects your daily living. Then when it says "any other comments?" Write the whole front page and the back page. I know you can do it. But there are a lot of lawyers who will help you and not expect any payment unless you get SS. Then you can get Medicare. There are plenty of MS Specialists who take Medicare supplemental insurance. The one I hope to see takes it.

The people at the MS Society will help you through this. I know they will. You need someone right now who will just plain ole help you. Start your new life, just think of it this way....I ENVY YOU!!! If I could I would beg you to take me with you. But I am stuck, at least until my boys graduate. Then if the old man still doesnt get me out of this "Hells Kitchen" we live in I might just "scoot my boot" right out on my own.

DO NOT TALK ABOUT SUICIDE AGAIN!!! For every negative thought that enters your head immediately replace with a positive thought. Let it be your "conscience" talking to you. Your good kind conscience that really loves you and does not want you to feel bad. Name your conscience. I am doing this exercise now and it is really helping me. I named my conscience Lillith, after the ex-wife of Frazier. She was so brilliant and logical. I just loved her. I decided I wanted my conscience like her. I know it sounds weird but just try it. It has been working for me.

Also remember that we are always here for you. People do care about you even if you have never met them. Maybe in the long run that is the best type of people to be loved by. You write me back and PROMISE ME that this suicide talk is going to end. You have to much to offer the world. Any animal lover has too much to offer. Remember that although I do not know you I still love you. You are special to me, you are my friend. Please dont take my friend away from me. I would not be able to stand it!............Irish

Oh my you have had the worst of the worst. My family deserted me as did a lot (well most) of my friends when they learned I had this wonderful diagnosis. GP's and internists in general don't want to be bothered with what they call "chronic painers". I stopped going years ago and kind of treat myself because the GP would say call the neuro it is a neuro problem and the neuro would say it is not an MS problem and quite frankly I decided that I would only deal with the MS and if something else got me well it got me because I hated the non treatment and humiliation the so called clinicians put me through not to mention, as you did, the time wasted and the money spent. One ass actually had the nerve to tell me he would only chat with me for a moment from the doorway if I didn't join his concierge practice but if I did (an extra $2500 a year over and above my insurance premiums and copays) he would sit down with me and do an exam and discuss the findings and order Rx's and even call me back if I had a question. But if I didn't join up I had to wait out an appointment, the MA would do my vitals and he would glance at them and tell her what to tell me and move on with his "real" patients and NO Rx refills unless I came in and don't call if there are problems just go to the ER or Urgent Care. This is Medicine????? So I get where you are coming from. So don't do anything rash, know that this is a common problem (I know not helpful but at least you are not alone), move to the coast or anywhere else you feel is your comfort zone and enjoy what you can out of life. This disease takes it all and more, so grab hold of what you want and go for it. Again I am SO very sorry you had to experience this and unfortunately doctors do have the right to refuse patients and depending upon who gets in for President in November health care could get even worse (hard to imagine but true). there will be those who are the haves and the rest who are the have nots. Again I think it would be lovely to have Ann Romney's MS and her care but I am among the have nots so this type of treatment and her remission eludes me. Damn, if we all could get that horse that cured her! Try to keep a light heart and look toward moving and making new friends and having a new life. Best of luck

Darlene,
I'm so sorry you are going through this yet again. I googled for neuro teaching schools in TN and I came up with this one that I'm going to put the link at the bottom for you. I've read so many people who say they are one of the better places to go better one on one treatment. One thing that did stand out in your post is that you put down MS, a lot of neuros think they are God and if they think you are going to tell them what is wrong with you they will catch an attitude from the get go, so I would not put down MS, I would wait till I was sitting in front of the neuro and just ask Is there a possibilty that this is MS or something that mimics MS and let them have there God moment. I know this is sad that there are so many like this but I read it over and over again from other people. So look at the link and go to it and give them a call and if a Rheummy told you it may be MS let them know that it was him that had the thought of MS and not that you have DX'd yourself because someone said they thought, you have to give yourself every advantage possible. Good Luck and I hope this may be someplace you can go and get some help, and than I don't have to worry so much about you hurting yourself, you know I always worry about you. Big Gentle hugs to you
Take Care
Dave

Sorry forgot the link here it is

http://www.uthsc.edu/neurology/facilities.php

Move to the beach. Do what makes you happy and nobody else. Live your life for you. Right now things seem hard but there is so much beauty and good out there and so much to live for. Right now it doesnt seem like it but you will find those people that care... just think of this as weeding out all the bad ones. Maybe moving to the beach will clear your head and maybe you can find a good support group with people you can relate to

Thank you so much Dave!!! As usual your a sweetheart! The doc I as was a GP though Dave! Not a neuro! I will see that last new neuro again but not until the 20th! I see him at 10:30 then, & he already knows that many other doctors think that! And, that Dr. Kouser thinks that! It is Dr. Kouser that is sending me back to him on the 20th!

I see him at 10:30, & then my MRI's of my C-Spine & my T-Spine are at the hospital right after that at 12! But, I'm supposed to be there early! Then, after a long day of all that stupid shit I'm supposed to see the PA at Dr. Kousers office! I have not seen her before so I'm not sure how that will go!? She will be doing refills on my meds & hopefully giving me the results of my MRI!? If any lessions are going to show up I hope that they show up right now!!! Because time is of the essance!!! And, no doctor will take me serious or take that dx serious w/o some kind of proof showing up! So if it is in fact that!? And, I am now convienced more than ever--simply do to the last serveral exacerbations where I couldn't walk & was spasing soooo bad in my legs & arms, etc.....

So it's really weird!!! Because the last thing that I want is MS!!! But I know that I have something!!! And, nothing else has shown up! And, it terrifies me!!! But, yet I need the dx if I do in fact have it! And, I am just sick & tired of being treated like a crazed lunitic druggie!!!--by all the GP's!!! I have had it!!! But I know now that even if I get the dx now that NONE of the GP's will ever see me or ever want to see me anyway! It is obvious that none of the GP's want to deal with MS--period! Or the meds that go with it!!!

See here's the thing!!! I have to put down the meds that I'm on! Then they see what meds I am taking & they don't want to deal with that or me!!! Because they see me as a "chronic painer" as someone here already said!!! And, it is all of the symptoms of MS that they do not want to deal with! And, they think that because I am on those meds now that I will want them to presribe those meds! And, they do not want to be bothered with those meds!!!

They don't want to deal with anybody that is taking pain meds or anti-spasmodics, etc.....

Thank you for that link Dave! But Memphis is 8-9 hours from me! The UT where I'm at has a new MS clinic that they have started there but they refussed to see me too when Dr. Kouser's office tried to refer me there! Because one of the neuro's there is one of the other stuipd idiots that I saw in the past that tried to tell me that it was just nothing, or maybe headaches & then tried to control & manipulate me because he basically decided that I was crazy or something!? So going to this UT is not going to happen!

All I have left, doctor wise, is my RA--Dr. Kouser, & that other new neuro--Dr. Perez up in MT! And, he does not treat MS! But him & Kouser together I believe will be able to work hand in hand putting it all together maybe!? I mean when they see that nobody else will help me, that means that they have to do something with me!?

The sun is out today! I have to go make a payment on my KUB today! And, I will still be like 90-100 short! I'm going down fast now! And, if I don't sell soon, then I will be sitting here with no power, no life & no dogs!

I have a friend that lives in Andrews SC! So I am looking at property there & in Conway SC! Have found several good things there! But I need to get sold & get out of here first! But I need for Feb... to get gone & most of this cold to get gone, because when people come to view the home I will have to put my dogs outside! And, I don't want to have to put them outside in the cold! And, I need some more time to go through the house & get things cleaned up & ready to go & ready to show! So I'm going to make that my focus for now!

THANKS TO ALL OF THE WONDERFUL FOLKS HERE!!! ESP.... YOU & IRISH ROOSTER!!! AND, ANTILYN HERE! :) WINK WINK!!

I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL TO YOU IRISH ROOSTER--I AM IRISH BY THE WAY!!! BUT I HAVE TO GET READY & RUN OUT RIGHT NOW! I WILL SIT DOWN & PLAN OUT WHAT I WANT TO SAY TO YOU WHEN I RETURN HOME LATER TODAY!?

LOVE YOU GUYS SOOOOO MUCH!!!!! YOU ARE MY FRIENDS & MY FAMILY!!!!! AND, I SEE THAT NOW MORE THAN EVER!!!!! :)

Quick story about my little gold fish! I have renamed it Rocky! Because it's such a little fighter!!! I started out with two, Nemo & Dori! Well, one night when I changed the water I forgot to treat it before I dumpted them back in! Now I remembered immediately & took them back out very very quickly! But Dori??? died anyway! Not too long right after that! I felt very bad! But this little guy survived with flying colors!

So I got another little one to go with it because it was seemingly depressed w/o the other one! Well! I didn't do anything wrong this time & it went belly up! It was that way when I came home from putting my dog down, I think!? Either that or the next night! Made me feel even more depressed! Well! Things have been a nightmare here as you know! And, I didn't get the water changed right then, as things were just so crazy! Well when the other one was in there dead that meant that I needed the change the water fairly quickly because something in it killed the other one!?

Well this one started going downhill rapidly! And, was looking sicker & sicker & was just sitting at the bottom in the corner! So last night I saw him sitting there doing so badly & thought--You know!? I can't believe that I have been such a bad person & did not change the water & clean the tank!? So I jumped up & did that! His fin came back up & he began to swim all over the place & was practically doing summer sualts in the water! He has been happy, healthy & swimming joyfully since!

So the moral of this story!!! IS THAT: SOMETIMES THE ENVIRONMENT THAT WE ARE IN IS MAKING US VERY SICK & VERY ILL, & WE ARE GETTING SICKER & SICKER & ARE DYING!!! AND, SOMETIMES IF WE CHANGE THAT INVIRONMENT TO A MUCH HEALTHIER, HAPPIER ONE IT CAN MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD!!!

SO MAYBE IF I JUST GO THROUGH WITH MY PLANS TO SELL & TO MOVE TO THE BEACH!? THEN MAYBE WHEN I TRUELY TOTALLY CHANGE MY ENVIRONMENT & GO TO A MUCH HAPPIER & HEALTHIER ONE I CAN FINALLY FIND THE HAPPINESS THAT I LONG TO HAVE! AND, MAYBE I CAN BE HAPPIER & HEALTHIER & SWIM FOR JOY THE WAY MY LITTLE FISHY IS RIGHT NOW!?

JUST WANTED TO SHARE WHAT MY LITTLE FISHY TAUGHT ME LAST NIGHT & TODAY!!! ANIMALS & EQUATICS ARE SMART LITTLE CREATURES AREN'T THEY!? :) THEY TEACH US SOOOO MUCH IF WE JUST LISTEN & JUST PAY ATTENTION!!! :)

SO GO SWIM FOR JOY GUYS!!!! SWIM!!!! LOL :)

hi!! thats awesome!! the fish- rockey!! i loved it!- boy, i had it rough, at first was accussed of doing drugs- then you want m.s.???? duh!!
i can soooo relate!! but hang in there! and do what you can- we are here!! hugs!!!!! -thought i was nuts- dont guess they ruled that out- ha!!! i am- but thats how i get through it!!! lol!! be you!! move- do it it might be the best thing!! i think at times we need to move- or something- anything different!!!

Just to chime in with my well wishes. Don't give up, hun. There ARE good doctors out there, they are just damn hard to find, but when you do find them, they are worth it. Post DX it took me about 5 years of trying dozens of doctors before finding a good fit for me. She works only a few hours a week and can't see me on-demand and knows nothing about MS what so ever... But she cares and she does the research about every issue I have and calls me back from home if I call the office and say I need to speak with her right away. She works well with my neuro and doesn't mind when I don't always take her advice. But I had to go through hell to find her - so many crap doctors out there who just don't care anymore or hand out scripts like candy without helping to fix the root cause.

Anyway, just wanted to say don't give up, and send you my love and thoughts.

So sorry about the way you have been treated. I hope you don't give up. if you are able to move to the coast I think you should. All the best to you.

Hi Darlene - It sounds like you've had a rough road. The thing that sticks out at me most is the anger and frustration you are feeling, as well as your loneliness. You are never alone here on DS. You'll find freedom to be yourself and friends that are amazing. Don't give up your hope. We can't let depression win this ugly game we have to play in. This is a time that you envelop yourself with kindness. Be gentle to yourself for you are doing your best with what you have. Forgive yourself my friend. Beating yourself up just makes things worse.

I know that keeping a journal helps some people when they are hurting. Also, taking good care of yourself is critical during recovery. Eat nutritious meals and exercise. If the suicidal urges become too much for you, please call 1-800-SUICIDE or head for the nearest emergency room. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

ROCKY DIED!!!! WAS DEAD TODAY WHEN I GOT UP! I DIDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT & DIDN'T GO TO SLEEP UNTIL THE MORNING! SO I GOT UP LATE! AND, I DIDN'T SLEEP WORTH A SHIT!!! AND, I HAVE BEEN SEVERELY DEPRESSED ALL DAY!!! BUT IT REALLY SENT ME OVER THE EDGE WHEN ROCKY WAS DEAD!!! HURT ME REAL BAD RIGHT NOW! ESP.... BECAUSE I AM IN A REALLY BAD PLACE & SUPER SENSITIVE RIGHT NOW!!!

AND, I HAVE NOT FORGOT ABOUT YOU IRISH ROOSTER! I AM STILL GOING TO WRITE YOU SPECIAL! I AM JUST REALLY BAD SICK RIGHT NOW & AM GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO THE ER TOMORROW TO GET TREATED FOR THIS SEVERE RESP... INFECTION THAT JUST WILL NOT LET GO OF ME!!! I PROMISE THAT I WILL WRITE YOU SOON!!!!

And, I want you to know real quick rooser that I was sooo touched by what you wrote!!! It was the most amazing thing & sweetest thing that I've ever heard!!! It made me sob like a little baby!!! And, it touched my heart in a way that you cannot even begin to imagine!!! I am going to do this!!! I'm going to move! I've been working my butt off on the house trying to get it ready to show!!! And, as for you going with me!!!

ANY TIME!!!! I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO GO!!! I WOULD GLADLY SHARE MY PLACE WITH YOU!!!! AND, WOULD ENJOY THE COMPANY!!!! AS LONG AS YOU COULD HANDLE BEING POUNCED ON BY A PACK OF BRITTANY'S!!! :)

IF I GET A HOUSE WITH SPACE ESP...!? AND, ANY TIME YOU WANT TO COME TO THE COAST!? FEEL FREE TO HOLLER AT ME! I WILL PUT YOU UP & GIVE YOU A PLACE TO LAY YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU GO TO THE BEACH! YOU WON'T HAVE TO GET A HOTEL!!! YOU CAN JUST BOARD AT MY HOUSE!

If you do that you will spend most of your time on the beach or running anyway!!! :) And, you will mostly just need a place to sleep! We will make it work somehow!!! And, it will make your trip to the beach far more affordable!!!

Or you can even rent a camper & park it at my place!!! Whatever!? I just want to find some peace, health & happiness before I die!!! And, I suspect that my lessions, when they do show up will be on my T-spine!? DON'T WANT THEM THERE MIND YOU!!!!!!! TRUST ME!!!! I DON'T!!!! THAT'S A REALLY BAD & DISABLING PLACE TO HAVE THEM!!!! THE PITTS!!!! AND, I DO NOT WANT THEM THERE AT ALL!!!! BUT I THINK THAT THAT IS WHERE THEY ARE!!!!???

SADLY!? I'VE BEEN RIGHT 90% OF THE TIME & THE DOCS ONLY 10%--SO JUST ON MY HISTORY WITH MEDICAL SHIT & REALLY SUPER INTUITION!?--I'M JUST STRONGLY INTUITIVELY GUESSING THAT THAT IS WHERE THEY WILL BE!?

WHAT THE DOCS DON'T UNDERSTAND IS THIS!!! I HATE IT WHEN I'M RIGHT ON SHIT LIKE THIS!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT!!!! I WANT TO BE WRONG! THIS TIME I REALLY REALLY WANT TO BE WRONG!!!!

But I am very anxious to get the next neuro visit, & MRI"s & then seeing the RA--all in the same day!!!! Because I want all that done & done recent!!! And, I want all of that to take with me when I travel! Because I will need it for my next set of docs!? If I can get any!? And, I want to have their new thoughts & these test results in before I leave! I need to know!!! And, I will need those results for any doc that i might see at the coast!?

If anybody knows any good Neuro, GP & RA around Andrews or Conway SC, then please let me know!!!

Thanks guys!!! Well! I'm very very sick & running a fever & I am NOT doing well! And, I am drop dead exhausted!!! So I need to go to bed now before I fall in the floor here!!!

Love all you guys!!!! YOUR THE BEST GUYS!!!!! ALL OF YOU!!!!!

Think twice before you move to the beach. I've lived on/close to the beach my entire life here in California. It is very cold where I live and there is a lot of fog and mold and mildew. People move here thinking it is the best place to live in the world only to turn around, pack up and leave after one winter here. We get huge Alaskan storms that blow in w/snow and the cold is bone chilling to the core.

I'd move back to San Francisco if I could afford it but I cannot. :(

Hey Hope! I have a life long good friend that lives in Andrews SC & it is about 30 min from the beach!? And she has lived there a long time & she loves it! She works on the coast! which is both good & bad, because the work pays good but when a hurricane hits she can't work because they close everything down & then if it gets wiped out!?

She says it is pretty warm there all winter long! Barely gets cold! Never gets colder there then it does here! And, it's usually warmer, so she says!? We talk back & forth a lot! The main thing about the east coast is all the hurricanes that blow through! And, the tonadic type winds & storms that they get off of them! That's the biggest problem with living there!

And, I'm really not sure about dealing with the hurricane wines & the tropical storms that they get there! I already told a realtor there that I don't want any damned trees around me!!! I've had enough of that here!!! The damned trees have cost me big time here & may still cost me yet! Getting a bad winter storm here today! Raining & supposed to turn into snow! I hate it!!! It's depressing!!!

Thank you for your input! I will definately consider that! And, I'm going to ask my friend more questions about it!

My goodness! I have heard a few horror stories here and this is right up there at the top. After reading the other posts, I did not understand that GP doctors my not want to treat those with a chronic illness. THEY ARE DOCTORS! Isn't this their purpose? I rarely see my GP, and see my neurologist more than any other doctor. I am so sorry for your troubles.