Yes, you are chasing after something. It is called acceptance; but it is not "external" but for something internal.

It is fine to be angry and it is okay. And you and others who are just as angry can bash me all they want. But acceptance is the final and most difficult step to take. And as you can see, a lot of people have never reached it; and they may never reach it.

But the moment you reach acceptance, you will then experience true freedom that will resonate through your entire being. Yes, I can be sarcastic but I am simply demonstrating the silliness of grasping something that has no value.

You have a lot of good in you. The moment you reach acceptance you can then experience what life is really about.

It won't include plenty of people who don't have a clue about an invisible disease. And that is alright because the most important person is yourself. Once you can convince yourself then you can reach for great heights in life.

It's good that your doctors understand and recognize something is going on. What your doctors say is what matters right now. You are being watched and cared for by them. This is what matters at this point. You sound like a sweetheart. Even after diagnosis, there are still those who will question you or make ignorant comments. One of my in-laws suggested this disease was my fault, that I thought myself into it and could think myself out of it. Wish I could make things easier for us all, but we do have each other, and that's what counts.

You're not imagining anything. you are going through real stuff. Don't give up. Sometimes, it is hard to dx MS and other things -- it takes a while. Vent away. We understand.

Squeezmom, I understand your situation. Although my MS came quite quickly out of the blue when I suddenly had double vision and went to the ER. But, I have dealt with the emotions you are feeling with throughout my life. I was 5 years old when I noticed that I panicked when seeing cars about to go by on my street. I had an intense anxiety that didn't seem normal and because I didn't understand it myself I was a little bit of a hypochondriac myself for many years. It wasn't until my late 20's that I found out this anxiety was Generalized Social Anxiety Disorder. When I was diagnosed with MS I even doubted myself and my symptoms. "Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion and really CAN walk a straight line", "Maybe I'm exaggerating my memory issues to get emotional sympathy or support". Let me tell you something... Trust yourself. Plain and simple. If symptoms are happening when it's just you in the room then it's not just in your head.
Also, it's hard when others doubt you. My grandfather actually criticized me in front of a room full of family about how I was blowing my issues up in order to get attention when I went to thanksgiving, barely able to walk or speak, or remember anything. I was hurt. Very hurt. I had nearly not gone to the gathering out of embarrassment of my symptoms, and left wishing I hadn't gone. I have chronic daily migraines, chronic fatigue, blurred vision at night, trembly muscles on occasion, my short term memory is almost none existent and my balance is horrible. Plus the double vision, bladder issues, numbness in my legs which have all passed now. There was not a single issue I had where I didn't doubt myself, wondering if I was being a hypochondriac.
I decided not to tell others about my symptoms unless they ask, and even then I don't go into detail about it. I've done this for 2 reasons: 1. I want to focus my energy on myself...not on how people perceive me. And 2. I do not want to put others in a position where to talk to me drains their energy with the "need for sympathy" that I already know is an issue for me and others.
Trust yourself, listen to your body, avoid stress, avoid stress....avoid stress! and for gods sake don't stop going to the doctors because of money issues. It's a long road, don't make yourself miserable as you travel down it. Good luck girl