I understand what you're saying, dragonlady, but if a spouse or lover wants to leave, there's really nothing you can do to keep this person from doing so.
It's like the song says, "if you love someone, set them free."
If it's meant to be, they will come back.

My husband was gone right after I became disabled. He didn't want the responsibility of taking care of me. It is something we have to try to accept. but it hurts for a long time.

That's a tough thing to go through, scrmom. Partically no on gets through life with some major hurts.
I'm glad you survived it. Stay in faith and God you.

That's God bless you. I'm slipping a little today.

Ummmmmmm, Williams? chap, I take offence at your attitude to us Australian women......:-(( You have made a broad statement there.

I have always had to be the strong person in our marriage as hubby does not "deal" with the hard bits of life or anything for that matter.

I am so sorry to hear of you being left by your OH when you became disabled.

My husband would not deal with that side of this disease. He cannot deal with hard stuff and all that is left up to me. God help me if I NEED someone to lean on because he wont be there. Never has been and cannot see him changing.

I know that I can survive without him, BUT, what scares me is if I need someone to do "things" for me??????????

jim
my husband, married a woman who was so independent she asked for very little over the years. i learned at a early age if you want something done right or NOW then do it your self and i did .i had a 18 mo boy when my girls came and no help from anyone, my family lives 4 hrs away, husband worked very long hours . for years my life has been that way and i dealt with it, i was labeled as strong and "ronni can do anything " and i did but it didn't mean i didn't want help but just didn't have any .so now everything that i was and did is no longer the same .now i clean alittle each day which never seems to look like i did anything at all.it seems i always forget to do something . things i used to love i dont so much anymore because i cant do it as well,or fast, or the same but most of all i have always been one of those females that think there no such thing as to much "making love" and it is one of the few things "i thought" i was still good at "so to speak " well now my husband decided that ms hasnt seem to take enough from me yet.that he has pretty much taken that from me to . now on his defense he claims he wants to but he cant stand the thought of making me hurt more then i alreay do now. someone please tell me why its ok for him to have a "quicky" once a week for his needs and just make me need and/or want it more .is it just me or isn't that adding fuel to the fire.my self asteam is shot and now i feel like he dont even want to touch me "that helps with that " .if he is ever going to leave me i wish he would do it now or stop treating me like i'm an alien who took over his wifes body - so to speak. i guess he wants his wife back and all i want is the man i feel in love with long before ms .but jim with everything we to have deal with the dx of ms daily is only going to get worse if we let it change everything entirly .so even though i get flaming mad at craig for things he used to do and dont now its know ones fault but my own if i don't tell him that our lives are going to change enough on their own.so what we can keep the same as little as it might be ,we both need to try to make sure everyday that even though ms is a part of our lives i'm still the person he fell in love with and that i love him today and everyday for always .this dx just plan sucks and it affects all of those close to us so we need to try and help each other understand what will help if even just alittle.

sorry for babbeling
ronni

I have to say MS is a blow to any relationship no matter how strong it is. My hubby and I have been married 16 yrs. When I was diagnosed it blew our world apart. I lost my license to drive due to vision, thus became dependent on him and others to get around. Thank goodness
for Dial a Bus. It was harder on my husband having to watch me go thru
all these flares and symptoms and
not being able to do anything about it....he felt helpless. He got some counseling and that helped. I am not saying we are perfect
but it helped. He does forget that I can't do thing like I used to .....but he appologizes when he thinks about it, granted in his own way. As for your situation, I would have a heart to heart and see if she would be willing to go to counseling with you.
I really think that would help. If she doesn't agree, well maybe you can work it out somehow. But if she leaves, or you decide to leave her, than it wasn't meant to be.
I wish you luck, this MonSter is awful on relationships.
hugs
Morgaine

Well guy's thanks so much for your in-put, I'm alone now may be just for a few weeks but I already feel so different, I no longer have to worry about my stumbles my odd groan of pain and for the first time in a long time I have nothing to say by way of excuse.
I do care for her and there is a lil worry, but I know she will cope just fine.
I know I need to find someone with the same mind set as I, someone who knows how to love another no matter what, I have a lot of love in me to share, I'm easy going, compassionate, still very passionate, very out going if not a lil audacious.
Anyway guys thanks..
Jim....

I listened to everybody's story and I'm more convinced that having a loving partner is not everything. You should be grateful for it, but that love can faltered when a major crisis occurs.
And just because you have a wonderful relationship today, doesn't mean you'll have it tomorrow.
I was reading yesterday, coincidentally, that Libras--which is what I am--have to work out their karmaic need of always wanting a companion, in order to make themselves feel complete.
Over time, I realized that I don't need a partner to make myself feel whole. I'm a complete person right now.
All you guys should try to feel the same way. That doesn't mean you shut lovers out of your lives. It means you won't have this void or emptiness that I see in some of you, when your relationship isn't working or not there.
Each of you is perfect and whole right now.
I wish everyone the best. Peace and love always

Having a loving partner to me is a gift, a person who understands you and lets you in so you can understand them, to feel and hold them close when you need them, to watch them smile when they are happy, I will miss the giggles at night and the feeling of closness and a purpose for going home after work.
A partner is everything to me although coping alone is a way of life, done it before will do it again.

Duke, I agree with your way of thinking. I want to think in that way too. I was also, like someone else mentioned alone most of my married life, 3000 from my large family, always did things for myself, husband traveled etc. We always promised if we for whatever reason, felt it was time to move on, wanted another etc, we would end it first out of respect. It was so much a part of our 25 years, and we both respected that promise. That he cheated, with a person we both know, just hurts. Sometimes I wake up at 1am and think the plans he is making for the next trip were ours 3 months ago, or I wonder if he says the same things to her he said to me, or does he know how hurt our 19 year old daughter is, I know you are all probably thinking I can't think like that it will drive me crazy, but Im one that would rather know things, I deal better (not details) I must sound confusing, but my heart literally hurts. As a woman, I know there are others, not all I am not generalizing, but I immediately thought, Im not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, didn't make enough money (Im on disability) and he told me sorry but you didn't hold up your end of the bargain when the kids went to college, you have known for years I wanted a career woman and you are blowing it with this MS. OMG, I look at him and I don't see him, does anyone understand that? It's like an alien took him over. 25 years is a long time and I just feel so stupid for not seeing it and angry for getting this disease and truthfully alone, very alone, I don't mean to sound like oh whoa is me and Im sure to some of you I do, but it's just we were always the "us" couple, we were the life of parties, we, I can't explain. I am so hurt to my core, I don't need him to make me happy, but it will take time to get over all the years I put into our lives, followed him around the world to better his career, helped when he got his PhD and in the end after it all, Im left standing alone. I too am afraid, when I have bad days, and need milk or something, there is no one to call....it's just so terribly hurtful, I went to a therapist our therapist and I agree you can not make someone love you or keep someone who wants to leave, I totally agree, but it's my inner feelings that are ripped to shreds, I want to be strong and recover and everyone can't believe how strong I am being but inside I feel like a little girl on the playground watching all the other kids play.....I know Im not making sense, but I just hurt and Im scared. We took a vow of marriage, I would never have left a sick person, not who I am, I've been the care taker of so many, and I know he is who he is and I can't change it, but Im just so sad. Deep inside, alone and sad. I can do it all on my own, but how could he hurt me so badly......I didn't want the disease, he keeps saying he is sorry and we are right at the beginning of the proceedings and he is still having dinner with her and hasn't even moved out of the house yet. How cruel is that? Oh Im rambling, not a pity party really, just my deepest feelings. I have a grandchild coming and I want to be excited and happy and I put on my game face and inside Im burning. Ah cie la vie huh? sorry for the ramble......peace all. Dragonfly

I understand what you going through, Jim and Dragonlady. And I understand that betrayal is probably the hardest thing to cope with.
Dragonlady, the best thing I can tell you is to release the anger that you have. It'll keep you from moving on, which is what you'll have to do eventually.
It may not seem like it's possible right now, and it may take several years, but one day, you'll get past the hurt feelings.
Based on my experience, it was a very long road and it took years for me to finally do it.
Over time, this disease may be somewhat of a blessing in disguise. It'll make many memories, good and bad, fade over time. While you may wish to remember some of them, they'll become distant memories.
Dragonlady, you had many good years with your husband, so be grateful for that.
I know of many people who died young and tragically. They never got the chance to marry or have children.
You did, however. I think it's better "to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."
If someone as hurt as I was--and I mean one hurting puppy--can work through it, you can too!
After we broke up, it hurt me more because my ex seemed to be having the time of her life. Looks can be deceiving, so don't go by that.
She chose to be happy and I chose to be miserable. Don't take this path. Try making yourself happy instead. Don't torture yourself by constantly running scenes in your mind. It'll drive you crazy. Let it go, Dragonfly.
Stay in faith and pray to God. You will make it through this difficult period. Peace and love always