I am beyond frustrated.

It seems that I am always messing up & having accidents hurting myself. Slowly losing function. I have mild "jerks" or tremors in my hands. I have a strap that goes around my hand to help me hold silverware so I do not drop them. B/c of my R arm always being numb I was changed to a L hand drive. Then 3 weeks later I got a new chair that does not drive like my old one. It takes awhile to get used to a new chair. My chair is hard to control when driving slow in close spaces. It quickly turns & I have barely moved the joystick. Today I was in the library trying to get close to the table with the phone on it. I jammed my arm between the arm of my chair & the table. I got a dandy bruise on both sides of my arm. When I tried to move the chair to get my arm out I moved it the wrong way & squished it more. I feel like a complete idiot. I am going to phone my "chair people" to come & slow down the turning on the lower gears.

Two weeks ago I made a cup of tea. When putting it on a table I hit the table with the bottom of the cup & burnt myself. It was only 1-2 degree burn. Again IDIOT.

My swallowing is slowly getting worse. Years ago I would swallow solid food & it would not go down I would take a drink & it would go down. This happened only a handful of times in a yr. Now that is happening 8 out of 10 swallows.
I am now starting to have problems with thin liquids. I swallow & at the end of the swallow a drop or two does not go down & trickles into my lungs. I am clearing it for the moment. I get a wet cough few a hr or two. A couple of weeks ago I had an asthma attack for the first time in years. I am putting off a swallowing assessment. I know what will happen. They will get me to use "thick up".

My brain function is slowly getting worse as well. I play match three games. Games that I played a yr ago & won. I can not even complete the levels now let alone get close to winning. Last week when I was coming back to the hospital I got lost. Not badly, I found myself going down the road & nothing looked familiar. I kept going down that street once it came to another street I was able to find my way again. It was scary. I phone home 3-6 times/day. We have had the same phone number for 11 yrs. I tried to call my Hubby but once I got to the phone I could not remember our number. I had to go to the nurses & ask them to look it up in my chart. That was very unsettling. In the last week or so I have been confused several times by peoples ?'s My memory is soooooo bad.

When a good thing happens something else happens to take it away from you. The last two weeks we have been working in physio to stand. Last week on tues & thurs I stood for the first time in a yr. On the tues I stood three times each time for 10-15 sec's the last time I was told to sit as my leg was trembling. The physio said it is a sign my muscles are tired. Thurs I stood 5-6 times. The 1-2 times I stood for 20 sec's the 3-4 time I stood for 1 min, 5 time 30 sec's, 6 time 20 sec's. I was soooo happy I got someone to take a picture of me standing so my Hubby could see me. The next day I was in sooooo much pain. I could barely move. It was not muscle pain it was nerve pain & it felt like a hot spike in my lower back. Hot water burning my thighs. When the nurses were washing me up in the morning they saw how I was moving & asked me if I wanted a quick acting painkiller. Saturday I was in tears. The psw who was washing me up felt bad. She knew it was hurting me. I just asked her to get it done quickly. Today I was in allot of pain while still in bed but not as bad as the two days before. It got better throughout the day. Now it is bearable. The only way I will no if it was from standing is to do it again this week. If the pain comes back I know it is from standing. I keep thinking "now what" "whats next"

Just wanted to get it out, I have been soooooo angry lately. This slowly losing a piece of yourself or independence. Sometimes I want scream. A couple of weeks ago I was depressed. Not only with the MS & living here at the hospital. Bruce is very sick & he is slowly dying. I had a few days that I did not want to get out of bed. I did not want to do anything & when I tried I messed up. I could not concentrate. I did not care about anything. I wanted to stop fighting to get the care I need. I would not kill myself. But that is not me. I am a fighter. I went to the SAC CI training & talked to the head nurse about the care I need. I got out of the depression. I kept fighting for what I needed. I am trying the best I can to fight the ms. To keep as much independence as I can. When I lose function I try to find ways to keep doing things for myself. e.i the strap that holds my silverware. SAC helps me soooo much. Being able to help others. It gets me out of myself out of my head. I am still useful.

Thanks for letting me vent.
I thinks that helps more then anything just to get it out.