One of my little kids is trying to tell me about the abuse that happened at 2:00 AM, but I'm seeing it through his eyes and if I'm interpreting it correctly it was the most traumatic memory so far. My therapist agrees with my interpretation. I just don't want to be in this much pain.

Hold the phone ~~ why is your mom supposed to be the one with the golden key? My mother was my primary abuser, and not only did she not remember it, being a generation older than me, she would not likely rememeber it correctly even if she did rememeber it right and tell the truth. Which would be highly unlikely even if she were still alive. On the flip side, however, there is no gaurantee that we or our alters remember things correctly, either. So for me, it's creating a balance between being believed and believing that there was some kind of extreme abuse of some kind, and that without some kind of proof, there is no way to verify exactly what or how it happened. And after a rather large part of my adulthood searching, I have findally come to find out that remembering and knowing exactly what happened isnt' even necessary or of primary importance. What is primarily important is to be able to turn that pain around in a positive direction; to overcome and heal; to acknkowledge, validate, and believe. I have a problem with validation; both on the inside and the outside.

@Loum, I know that pain.
I can only get in touch with the screaming one" at night, at the exact time it used to happen.
I thought my issue with incest was mostly over.I was "in peace" for more than twenty years after that.I even went on a long intense meditation retreat for years without anything transpiring ( the power of dissociation!) and then, extreme trauma memories andFB started arising.
I feel that it is only now that my dissociated parts are acknowledged and welcomed as part of my experience that I have an opportunity for true healing.
I think I was afraid that my difficult hurting parts would be left aside if I really healed so, a part of me did not agree to heal and was still "lurking in the dark," afraid to come out.
@Starfish,
I wish I was like you and say, that's it. I do not need that" neurosis "of having to find proofs all the time.I guess, once more I reacted to my T brandishing the dangers of "false memories" and "delirium".
Yes, the word extreme abuse resonates in me.I believe that's why this kind of fb surfaced much longer after the incest memories.
I have always had this search for the missing parts of the puzzle.For me, it was a question of life or death and finding my voice.I found many clues in the extended , transgenerational family story of self destruction/incest:/PTSDduring the last two wars etc.
My father admitted the abuse.So,he remembered .He started rationalising about the extreme abuse but at that epoque, I could not handle it nor understood what he was refering to.
My mother was next to him when he admitted. She might have been in dissociation and it's all locked up somewhere, maybe or maybe she knows and put me under her hold too.
I keep forgetting that my father admitted.
I am slowly getting to understand how my inner parts function and how my internal organisation has developped in order to survive.
one year ago, I would have said this is total crap and delirium.
But discovering how I built all these mechanisms of defense in front of life threatening situations, I feel I am on the right track.
Most of the time, I believe my abuse memories are real;I have never doubted my sanity , especially at night, when I start reactivating, but I am also more and more aware of the mind control still installed deep in me.I do not know if it makes sense to you.
The more I go inside my internal system, the more safeguards I find were put to make sure no one unravels their internal logic .Sounds like speleology.Very strange.I have difficulty "believing" the existence of this system inside me.
Thank you very much for your share

Yes, it does make total sense to me, unfortunately. I believed everything I came up with in therapy (that was otherwise unknown to me) until once a child alter I had never known about before, came up with a story about being taken from the place where I lived at the time and taken somewhere by the person at that time, who was my supervisor. This was all very complex for me in a a complex situation.
It hadn't been until then, that I knew of anything I was completely unaware of. Until then, I had at least a gut feeling who had been there, or who was coming to the surface. Finding about the "unknown" child was a big shock to me, my understanding of myselves, and just what was going on in my life. What got revealed that day, if true, indicated that at 40 years old, the abuse was still going on via my alters. That is when I learned to balance what I believe and understand. It is very difficult and confusing, especially for the child alter involved. to understand that they are being validated and believed, and at the same time, not completely believed because there was no proof.
Lately I've come to realize also, how fluid memory can be. Lately, I've been thinking of some real life scenerios that have just happened in my life, and my mind took off creating a different ending than what I already know to have actually happened. Or did I remember it right to begin with? Egads, this could drive you nuts.
What I do know for sure is, SOMETHING very bad happened at some point that caused a massive amount of destruction and harm to my mind. That I do have some proof of, and something to go by. I have come to believe my system exists...but what is true and not true about how it works, what it consists of, etc...is not absolutely clear. And perhaps, it doesn't need to be. ???

My alters during the course of therapy have drawn pictures of my abuse very graphically and have had me feel body wise episodes of abuse.

My mother was also my abuser. She would not admit to any abuse which I did not find to be unusual. My belief is that alters carry information about the different times of abuse because that is why they were created; and therefore I learned a lot more about my abuse through them then I would have ever heard from my mother.

Hi Moonface21,

Question, when Ex was pointing at her private parts burning, was she referring to her abuse or yours?

My mom was never abusive to me, but she also died not talking to me. I am not fragmented but my spouse is. I support people with alters and fully believe you have a dimension door in your brain, which allows "alters" access to you. It's crowded but manageable. Do you have problematic alters?

The abuse was done to me when I was 2 years old and kept in that frozen memory of a 2 year old part.
I am aware that all my "alters" are perceptions and formulation of my dissociated memories at different stages of the abuse.
The most difficult parts to refer to are the ones which are holding the memories of extreme trauma, ie sadistic acts done by my father and mother and who internalised also their behaviours and psychopatic minds.

it seems to me that a therapist who is working with a person who disocciates would expect memories to be burried and brought forward by alters. They are not make-believe. They are who we are but in parts that are more separated than they are intended to be. He/she should know this already.

Yes, but this is France, Stephanie and anything like DID or even EMDR is still to be discovered!
We are still in the realm of Freud and Lacan here!
I was lucky that my previous therapist had just gone to an international a seminar on DID which is not taught in basic cursus of studies in psychiatry.
I, myself, went back to university to study victimology in order to understand what had happened to me, how traumatic memory and extreme trauma had affected me.
Things are changing.An excellent book,""the haunted self" has been translated into French.