I have spoken with several of my friends who also have chronic illness (as do I) and I think we all struggle with a sense of purpose.

Due to our illness, it's hard to commit to anything. We never know if we'll feel well enough to work or go out with friends, so we don't.

And there's a fair amount of guilt for using resources.

We often don't recognize the contributions we make - and the value of those contributions. I like that Christmas movie where Jimmy Stewart sees what the world would be like without him.

There are a lot of other answers. I tried a lot of different medicines before I tried alternative care and found answers. The alternative treatments seem less expensive and more effective for me.

I also felt a TON better when I cut out sugar, cut down on salt and skipped processed foods.

Hylie, my friend, I understand your pain and frustration in dealing with a chronic illness and your depression. I suffer from chronic pain after a severe car accident a few years back and I can no longer work. My health issues are so bad that I cannot work even 1 part time job let alone two jobs like your goal. It is demoralizing at times, very frustrating and works to suck the life out of us. So I understand.

However, I want you to humor me and look at this from a different point of view. Just for a minute. My spouse has multiple sclerosis. She is currently 50 and recieved the gift of MS on her 33rd birthday. So for 17 years it has slowly destroyed her body. She used to work with troubled youth, but had to stop working at the age of 35 due to balance problems and severe reactions to a medication called beta seron that caused her fevers of 103 degrees and flu like symptoms every other day when she had her shots. Meaning she had only 11 years of quality work after she graduated college. She qualified for SSDI immediatly as her MS was already so bad. So she has been on SSDI for 14 years now and Medicare for 12. She lost her balance first, then her eyesight (she is legally blind), then her legs (now wheelchair dependant), and now it has hit her brain. Gradually decreasing her quality of life year by year. I fell in love with her because of her outgoing, loving personality. But this disease has eaten her from the inside out and she seldom leaves the house now, refuses to call her old friends, barely talks to her daughters and grandchildren, and no longer has any hobbies or does anything she previously enjoyed. She has lost her wonderful sense of humor and no longer even understands most jokes. She is in constant pain due to all the nerve damage throughout her body. And now, on top of all the physical issues, the MS is attacking her brain. It is changing her personality from day to night. She is becoming hostile, angry, jealous and paranoid. Similar to some people with alzheimers. She is losing her memory and becoming increasingly confused. This is extremely scary for her.

Meanwhile her cost of care increases. Medicare probably spends $50k a year for doctors and tests plus another $48k for medications, section 8 $14k a year, SSDI $12k a year, her aide (as I cannot do all she needs anymore because of my own disability) about $15k a year. I'm not sure what else I am forgetting, but this totals $139,000 per year and I am probably far under estimating this due to all the administration costs.

My question is this. When does the cost of caring for her outweigh her quality of life? When is she no longer fit to live? When is she more a burden than a person? According to you, she would be using far more resources than she is able to contribute. A waste of oxygen. That is very insulting to me. I love her. So does her mother, brother, daughters, grandchildren, neices, nephews, friends and others. Even if she won't speak with them, they love her. Your mother shows you that she loves you by helping you. Do you really think a piddly little life insurance policy would make a difference to your mother? My spouse used to joke before her illness that whatever took her out better be big, bad and ugly. Well, big bad and ugly found her. But to even think she is worth any less because the MS is so damaging to her physically and mentally is horrendous to me. And it is no more acceptable for you. You are worth more than you think. We all contribute, just in different ways. Personally I find it amazing that you can work 2 jobs with your health issues and depression on top of it. Then you come here and provide support for others. And the fact that your mother helps you, tells me that she loves you and doesn't want to lose you. One of the worst horrors for a mother is having to bury a child. Why would you wish that on her and then insult her with money on top of it?

Like I said before, I really do understand why you feel this. Sometimes I am so tired of hurting. I don't get physically better, just worse. Some days I just cry because of the pain in my body that has betrayed me. I want to feel like I did before the accident. To run. To be able to go enjoy life without the pain. To not think about bringing medication and a snack/water so I don't pass out everytime I leave the house. I cannot even take my spouse to enjoy a beautiful day at the beach anymore because I can't pick up her wheelchair and put it in the car. I cannot sit upright on the sand without back support and feel the sun on my face. But I do not believe that our worth is tied to what we can produce in this world regarding to finances. I will never be that person again, but that does not mean I am worth any less. I believe the same for you.

I do not know if you have a therapist, but I'm hoping that you have one who can help you with the depression. I think it is normal for anyone in chronic pain to experience some depression because the pain and your physical illness in themselves ARE depressing. I wish you a better day tomorrow and the next and the next. Days where you are not quite as tired. And I wish you freedom from the guilt. You do not deserve to feel any guilt for needing more support than others. Much of this is just dumb luck. My spouse did not choose to get MS. I did not choose to be hit by a man running a red light. We did not choose to be abused as children. However this is what life gave to us. No guilt for what was given to us. Some people need more resources, some need less. I'm sure you, like me, wish you didn't need help, phsycially or financially, so why feel guilty over somthing we have no control over? Tax dollars are allocated to help people who have gotten the short stick and need more help. Given a choice I think few people would choose pain and illness with support over a healthy life without the need of support from others.

Please just rethink this. No life insurance policy is worth your life. If my spouse thought this way I would be so hurt that she would ever think a few dollars means more to me than her life (even as disabled as she is). Human life is more precious than tax dollars or a life insurance policy. Is your depression chemical or situational? If chemical then maybe try different meds. If situational it can be helped with a good therapist and time in counseling. Maybe work on changing goals so that they are more realistic and don't cause you to become depressed when you cannot reach an unreachable goal. Not many people can handle two jobs well. I know you are tired right now, but you are NOT a waste of oxygen.

I wish you some peace today.

(((HUGS))) hylie....you are so precious and worth so much more than man made money and concepts of what is of value....I can certainly understand such feelings and thoughts but i can't support such plans as you are amazing and fantastic to us.
i'm counting on you to show me how to heal and get better!

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31

don't know if you are religious or not, but this verse gives me hope when i am feeling down

lisa

I don't have the right to decide for others whether their lives are worth living or not.
...Mine isn't worth it.

Is that fixable? Maybe. Won't know until I try.

Honestly, I'm an ogre in real life, anyway.

omii. Thank you for what you wrote. It helped me.