@hylie
i do't think she has a list as such, almost anything that touches on behaviours of someone other that her and her 2 little ones is an immediate trigger for her to dissociate, do a bolter

@stephaniet
rescue was never on the agenda for me, though i tried sit with her while she picked up pieces when ever she needed

and tbh, i suspect it's all academic now ...
a sadness

As someone who is not Multiple and has a friend who is I can add a few points that may or may not be helpful but will make you think about how to proceed from here.

From my own personal experience, relationships change and evolve and we have to adapt to those changes and make adjustments to make friendships work. This is where the trust comes into play. There will always be ups and downs and periods of uncertainty but longevity lies in a mutual understanding of each others needs. In other words, expectations should be communicated to the point both parties agree on the rules.

Friendships with people with DID can change in an instant but no matter the instant you recognize the change, you have to remember the core and the relationship bond you have setup beforehand. There will always be ups and downs but overcoming those are easier if the non-multiple remains level-headed and does not let the anger ruin the situation. If anger or emotion becomes a problem, both agree to take a step back until cooler heads prevail. Then you can discuss it later in order to figure out how to avoid it next time.

In the case of a Multiple who switches or dissociates in the middle of a conversation, our responsibility as a friend is to maintain a calmness and most of all, just listen to what is being said to you. It is best to keep a positive attitude and not project anger or emotion back. As hard as this is to do, you will see the anger is not directly pointed your way even if it feels like it is at the moment. It is venting which is perfectly normal under very stressful times and events of everyday living.

Remember, most of all, each personality protects or projects areas the core person has trouble doing. So, outside pressures or other people, certain public places, expectations of what other people expect, and a whole host of other stimuli and even just everyday normal tasks can cause a person to dissociate.

We are not always going to say the right thing or have the answer but again, the key is to listen and understand and whatever feedback you have if you say anything, give it a positive outlook. Find good things to bring to the table. Remember, you can not fix someone who is working through being traumatized in their life, just be supportive. If you make bad mistakes out of anger or get caught up in emotions and go too far, apologize and just don't say it but actually mean it. The proof of those words get stronger if the relationships lasts and you keep your word. Above all, be kind and keep a strong heart even when you feel down and out. Most of the time, things will get better if you let them.

No one is perfect no matter who they are but we can learn to be better people regardless the cards the world have dealt us. Life is a long road and we take it one step at a time, we stub our toe, step on a pebble or glass, we fall, still we get up and heal and move forward. It sounds like an old cliche but we are here to learn because for the life of me I could never figure out why we are born to suffer sometimes, except, without the bad we would not enjoy the little things that bring us joy. The greatest joy a person can have is a loyal friend.

After writing this, I would like to ask those who are Multiple to add on to help everybody who is not to add anything to this discussion I may have missed that will add to this post and thread? I am a guest here and still learning. I just told a friend a night ago, I was afraid to post because it may trigger someone. The advice was to just take it slow. So, I am.

friendship, one of my favorite topics...i've tried to reach out to one on here...only to be met with "what do I have to gain from a being a friend to you?" or else resorting to calling me names and slapping labels on me similar to K2's experience....some protectors have no interest in friendship...but alas, i am at peace and accepting of what we are all capable of giving.

Since feedback was requeted, I would like to challenge sun's thinking even more...
a loyal friend is a great joy but keep in mind that loyalty may be blind and friendship must not be, self forgetting devotion can sacrifice prinicples which friendship must guard against...consider that friendship resides on a higher plane.

Hi John and everybody else, You bring up some good points. People in general, whether Multiple or not, choose their friends based on common interests. There are different degrees of friends. What I mean by this is there are some people you feel comfortable from the very beginning and some people you just don't like and can't even put your finger on why you feel this way. We have something built within us that triggers this feeling. It can be something as simple as the way a person talks or acts too aggressively or even looks that give us a sense of danger or just a feeling or something isn't right here.

If you are Multiple and are friends or even just have a conversation with those who dissociates, you don't know if you are speaking to the core personality and it is easy to trigger an alternate to come out, again, because dissociating is a way to deal with situations that have in the past been harmful and traumatizing.

If someone doesn't want to be our friend, for whatever reason it is, we have to just accept it and move on and find people accept us for who we are as people. I'm sure you don't want to be called names or be friends with someone who doesn't accept you and triggers negativity in you and the other person as well. Unless, of course, one of your Multiples are conditioned for that type of behavior or a an alter that deals with punishment. Simply switching to that alter because it is a coping mechanism for a traumatic event. These events and triggers are different for everybody since people have all had different backgrounds over their lives.

You speak of sacrifice for others and devotion to self and one's principles. Most people put up guards and build walls to protect themselves from being hurt physically and emotionally. The last thing people want in most cases is to further that part who is already suffering. Surely, there are alters that actually do prefer being hurt because they may feel they deserve it or the wires were crossed due to such a traumatic past, they actually substitute this feeling for love. I have heard some people dissociate and lose time and have no memory of the abuse an alter suffers in order for the mind to deal with it. A way of looking at it is a person who is not DID has an open closet with everything we need in life in a place where we can see it and pick it up and use it and put it back when we are finished with it. People with DID have a room of many closets with the doors closed and are only opened at specific times when needed and then closed again depending on the circumstances being experienced by the core personality.

I don't feel loyalty as blind. It takes quite a while to build up a friendship to that point. We are all guarded and everybody lets their guard down in their own time. If you have a certain set of principles, stick to them. A true friend is not going to ask you to do something that will put you in harm's way and it is wrong to ask the same of anyone else. Everything between people has to be mutual or there isn't anything there. I am not talking about every single small thing we may like or dislike but important life altering choices.

As far as having a friendship on a higher plane, conceived as a subtle state of consciousness that transcends the known physical universe. Sometimes it feel that way. That a relationship was meant to be, a sort of karma. This is why so many people turn to religion for answers and at the same time extend their families to like-minded people. This gives people a sense of belonging and being cared for and being safe. People are too complex to try and simplify it and lump everybody in the same group.

I look at friends like I do the arts, music, books, etc. I may like a certain type of the arts that give me pleasure and strike emotions within me that does nothing for other people. I once told a friend, no matter what you like I have lived and learned enough to respect your opinions and what gives you pleasure whether even if it isn't meant for me and doesn't have the same affect. If you can't feel this way about a friend, then you have to work on yourself to be accepting of others. So, the safe way is to choose your friends who like and have things in common with you and things should go a lot smoother in life. There will always be bumps in the road but like in my last post, if you can get through them and move on, everything will work out. Friendships and relationships is a series of give and take.

Again, this is just thoughts coming from me and what I say may only apply to me and not anyone else. Everybody has to find their own path and what works best for them. If you read this all the way to the final paragraph, amazing! The board has been a bit slow lately, I felt nobody will read this anyway. lol

Sorry, I'm getting tired so I am just adding my .02 and haven't read the other comments.

I think I know personally very little about my inside world. Not just to protect myself from others, but also to protect me from my own self. Which is often construed as an unhealthy coping mechanism. But over time, I have come to realize for myself, anyway, that is not necessarily true.

I hear little snips of conversations and comments going on inside. Not for very long, but enough to know it's not MY thought!!

I haven't had a new memory lately, but when I have before it was very frightening, as I was not sure what was really going on. Now I am much more relaxed about it and just let it flow out of me and eventually the fear will recede and I will know something more about myself I did not know in the past.