I think it's great you can have open dialogues like that.
I wish I could do the same with my core.

Well...I do get memory recall, I do have times when I get to process more crap, and it IS really nice to have a shoulder to snot on when that happens...I went over to the GF's place and bawled my eyes out for a bit.
It was real recall, it was a new memory.
But we were testing her, to see if she was really as supportive as she seems.
That's both quite reasonable and awfully coldblooded.
Shawn's the protector and second in command, and mostly he has good reasons for what he does. I can't entirely fault him for doing this to her. It just ethically bothers me.

@ Roji...not sure how to lay down rules here, honestly.
Hmm...maybe tell him to stop making unilateral decisions like that?

I'm just afraid of hampering his effectiveness at protecting, which is damn useful.

Will think about what a reasonable set of rules would look like.

LOL, "a shoulder to snot on".... That is great.
Lucky you are to be able to cry, and have someone to listen.
I have neither.

this is something that's been of concern to me for several year now but i've never quite found the courage to raise it. I can understand why such testing occurs, and can understand just a little why trust and forgiveness are such persistent issues at times for people who are multiple.

but here's the thing. Repeat testing? With hindsight, i think one of my fiendships may have been tested to destruction. Repeated provocative behaviours over several month till one day i exploded and trashed the friendship. This the friendship that was much later rebuilt into a second one, but the second only a shadow of the first. And it was only trying to make sense of t first friendship and its ending that i ever came to think of DID (or came to know the term).

so, here's what i wonder - is this testing usually a one off (or at least not very often / infrequent) for each new friendship? Or sometimes can it persist to the point that it provokes the behaviours it seeks to test for? Cos truth is, i'll never really know if i was being tested, or i was simple responding to behaviours appropriate to a specific alters - and misunderstanding the circumstances?

I don't think you can build a friendship with a protector alter. Alters don't care about the principles required for a healthy friendship.
A protectors job is to not trust anyone, trust is fundamental principle in any relationship.
You would need to move past the protector to build a friendship, but that may not be possible.

@K2:
Usually a one-off of this sort of thing.
More typical ways of testing are to hand them a little trust, see what they do with it, loan them money, see if they return it, stuff like that.

But yes...in the past I've always had one of some sort of emotional crisis during any budding friendship....
apparently it was to determine their reaction, see if they were ok with me being a little nuts.

Which...kinda...feels emotionally abusive somehow?

But at the same time I don't want a friend(especially a friend I am having sex with) who'll flake on me right when I need them.

(Ps...fiendship...*snicker* Freudian slip there?)

@ John-
My menacing henchman (he henches awesomely) acknowledges the rest of us need love and affection and friendship...or as he puts it "that silly crap," to be happy.
( But don't think this means I'm gonna be nice or nothin'-Shawn )
...He'll defer to me if I give him a good reason to.
But none of them are "made" to operate within my awareness...hence comes the trouble.

@hylie
i realise my next question is such a subjective one that there can be no real meaningful answer, but it any generalisation you think relevant would be appreciated

is it always / ever possible to rebuild trust once a person like me (is singleton the term) breaks / abuses the trust of some one that is multiple? And if yes, how does one go about it? Perhaps Shawn might be wiling to advise me on this?

My other friend - over the past 12 monts (almost exactly) i've triggered dissociations in her a number of times, not just a few. And hurt her badly in the process. I've hurt her out of anger, i've hurt her responding to my own hurts in our friendship, i've hurt her out of ignorance and once i even hurt her out of kindness. And with these i mean i hurt her badly enough to cause her to dissociate. Even though our friendship has persisted past these, and is still a very important freindship for both of us - with each one our friendship has become more and more abbreviated. Though i will say, our friendship has sometimes suffered abbreviations for no obvious reason i've ever been able to work out

and yeah, just to repeat, not asking for answers specific, but generalities would be wonderful, anything that might help me either avoid triggering dissociations or rebuild the freindship

PS
re "fiendships" and freudian slps ...
god i wish my murky depths would stay murky
lol

It is absolutely possible to rebuild trust. It just takes time and effort. And willingness on both sides to communicate about the breach.

It sounds like the friendship you had before was hindered by the testing of a person who wasn't in treatment. If he or she were working on communication with their parts, that might have been a little easier to cope with.

I do believe that protectors can trust. In fact, I believe it is necessary for them to trust. Natasha is a protector for me, and she doesn't trust anyone, but she is making furtive forays into relationships to see who can be trusted. She is getting better with my therapist all the time. With others, she typically comes out first to check them out and make sure they are safe before anyone else is allowed to come out and talk.

aaah acaseofyou
it's hard to coomunicate about thses things with her. Whetehr i do it gently -r whetehr i lash out in hurt or anger. She either dissociates almost immediately or goes into total meltdown panic that she's about to be abandoned. Either way, it becomes a 'no go zone'. And in both instances our friendship is very soon if not immediately abreviated in more areas,

as far as i know - the first friend has never been in therapy and i'm not sure she realises she is multiple (if she in fact is). The second friend (who i trigger so much) now knows she is multiple though we never discuss it specifically, or use tha word. In fact her first alter let herself be known to me the first ime i triggered a major hurt / dissociation in my friend. At that time the alter couldn't remember her name and afterwards my friend had absolutely no idea who i'd been chatting with. Yhe lovely thing is that now - my firend seemsto have good relationships with 2 little ones and seems co-conscious with both, though for somereson ahe won't introduce them to each other yet. And it was only after the lastv time i triggered her that the alter i met first saw he second one for the very first time

i have made so many mistakes and poor assumptions in these matters, and reeatedly so - that i disappoint myself

hylie. Sorry for laughing, but your post is so beautifully expressive of life for me too. Thanks for sharing, and I am glad things worked out as well as they did.

Ah, no, I'm glad to actually tell people about what a strange and funny zone the inside of my headspace is... It's hard to explain to a lot of people, you know?

@ K2:
Something I wish my STBX did? ask for a list of triggers and at least make a good-faith effort to not trigger me.
Other than that, I'm not sure, really...Quiet tone of voice, proper distance?

Hey K, Remember, we are Multiple. That means when you break trust with one of us, you break it with a group. It's like you have to work through the issues of each of us, which may be quite different from one to another, and may not be completely rational. Not to be critical of you or anything, but to help you understand how it is. We are not more righteous in being this way. It's just the way it is. I/we understand that it must be very hard to be the friend or family member of ours. I'm glad you are trying to understand things, but also remember it is not your job to rescue. Only we can do that for ourselved ultimately. Still, it is nice to have someone around who is trying .