wow, don't know what to say, except i understand - truly and deeply and i'm so sorry you're in such horrible pain. i've never cut but i have felt suicidal like that, and wanted to do violence toward myself, it is terrible. the funny thing is i'm a lot older than you, probably older than your mom even but i have been there quite recently. is there anyone you can talk to? i understand your fear of talking with your counselor and the impact that might have on your school work - a lot of people don't and just shrug it off saying better alive and in shit w/school/work/family/whatever than dead. yeah, okay i guess that's right at some point but when you're feeling as you do now it doesn't matter.

if ranting here helps do it, maybe you can call a crisis line too - but be careful, most have a way of tracing the call so if you say something that causes them to think you're going to harm yourself they'll notify law enforcement and that'll be a real kick in the butt.

and you're not crazy, not even a little bit - believe me i know crazy, i work in a psych ward and saw one tonight and that's not you. you feel out of control and you KNOW something's wrong, the woman we had tonight thought everything was a-okay, but she also thinks she's god's prophet and that every woman on the unit was in danger of marrying the antichrist - and again she thinks that true and we're crazy, liars telling her it isn't. that's crazy, and she thinks she's in total control. so, please believe me, you're not crazy, you're feeling out of control from the pain you're dealing with.

okay, so now what? i don't know, maybe being in the hospital might help, but i think talking with someone who understands, that you have mutual trust with would be better.

you didn't mention any coping skills but i'm guessing you've learned some becasue you've not cut in a long, long time. are they not working or did something happen recently that is overwhelming you? maybe posting about it might help - can't hurt, everyone here is very supportive.

k, don't know what else to say, i hope you didn't harm yourself but if you did please try not to feel like you failed - sometimes we just can't get a grip soon enough. if you didn't then that's tremendous and you should be really proud of yourself.

whatever the case please let us know how you're doing.

laura (with 2 kitties and dog)

alimac -- well, I could preach to you about what you should do, but I know, I wouldn't do it, either...but that is me, and my severe lack of trust. And fear of confinement. I am afraid, if I went to a hospital, I would get even worse. There are two main reasons for going to a mental hospital:
1) to get on meds asap, if you need them quickly and are in a crisis;
and/or,
2) to keep from harming yourself, or others if you are in a crisis.

Right now, it is up to you to decide when you have crossed that line. But bear in mind, there may come a point, where you don't have that choice anymore, because you have either let it get too far, and someone has to do the committing for you, or you do harm or kill yourself of someone else.

If you take yourself in before you are forced to, you will get out much sooner than if you are involuntarily committed. As far as cutting goes, it can be much like drugs, and takes deeper and deeper cutting to get the same release...if you've quit already, I don't think it would be a good idea to start again. Not only because you would harm and scar yourself up more, but also because you may go even further than you intend to go.

we understand how you feel, it sounds like you are on overload and need a break. try taking a walk and get a break from all your college work, my 2 kids feel that way right now they are both in college and its getting close to finals and signing up for spring semester, you will get everything done just take a breath and a break you dont want to hurt anyone else that would not be good and dont start cutting again it sounds like you were in a good place for awhile so try to get back there again. we are all here to help you!!!!!

sometimes when we are really mad we want to hurt ourselves and feel like to die is the only way out. Sometimes its when we are really scared but always its because things feel tooooooooooooo much somewhere. Are you really mad about something? sometimes we get really mad just because there is so much bad happened to us and nobody understands or sometimes even knows about it. Sometimes we get mad because people don't seem to care about anything and we just want to make them care.

Always try to remember if you hurt you, you hurt everybody there and some of them don't want to be hurt and its like you are perpetrating hurt on them without their consent!!! We know you don't like hurting people like you don't like hurting your friend Courtney so wouldn't want to hurt people inside either.
But if you just cant stop it from happening you should have to go to the hospital maybe just for a few days and maybe teachers can help you finish your work a little later like with an incomplete for now and finish before school starts again in the spring... because none of it matters if you are not here anyway, right? So take care of you guys first and see if yoiu can get people inside to talk about why theya re so mad!!