Multiple Personalities Support Group
Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...
Hi, everybody. I am new to this board and I hope my post doesn't offend anyone. I do not have DID, but I have a parent who does. This has been a source of conflict in our relationship because they refuse to seek treatment, and they are both an alcoholic and a drug addict (depending on which alter they are though sometimes it's both). I have always just "dealt with it" which included my spending a good portion of my life in therapy and trying to create boundaries (which they are always good with for a short time, but then they begin violating again). I have a child of my own now though and this parent has recently fallen off the wagon again. While they've always been a drinker and drug user it's worse now and while I might be able to take it, it's impacting their relationship with my child. I refuse to let them put my child what they put me through, and I am finally at a point where I am ready to walk away from them completely because our relationship is not healthy, they refuse to even consider getting help, and they are going to kill themselves with the path they are on (an emergency room visit last year led to the realization their liver and kidneys were damaged to the point of near-failure). They are the kind of person that if they were not family I would have walked away a long time ago. I feel guilty at the thought of terminating this relationship because they are my parent, they need help, and they have alienated themselves to the point that I am the only person who calls and checks on them (ever). I know if I stopped doing it no one would be around to hold them accountable at all, which might be the last straw before they snap completely, but our relationship is causing me so much stress and anguish I started looking for a new therapist this week. I think it's time to put myself first and this means focusing on my mental well being instead of theirs (because I am supposed to be the child in this relationship anyways, why am I always in the mother role?) I'm not sure how to handle this and thought maybe I could reach out here? While I don't have DID, I thought there might be people on this board who could point me in the direction of resources regarding how to love someone with DID, how to have relationships with them, and how to set permanent boundaries? Thank you in advance for anyone who takes the time to read this and I am sorry if my post is inappropriate for this board because I don't have DID myself.
First of all there is no need to apologise for your post. This is an open forum where people who either have DID, people who support people with DID or people who work with clients who have DID are all welcomed. Secondly, as someone who has DID ild like to apologise for what you are going through. While alternate personalities need to be held accoutable for their behaviour, the system as a whole needs to be held accountable as well. Regrettably those we love the most are often hurt the most by our hurtful actions. However, this does not mean we simply allow ourselves to keep hurting our loved ones. If you choose to walk away and set in motion that you and your child wont be around someone who is affected by drugs and alcohol well then you have every right to do so. It woud be very understandable that this would be difficult but you need to do what is right by you and your child. However, it appears that you want to continue this relationship and therefore Ild suggest the following resources:
https://sarahkreece.com/my-blog/
http://www.firstpersonplural.org.uk/
https://www.sidran.org/
Hopefully others can give you some other resources they have found useful. The best thing i can suggest is to ensure you look for similarities and realize there will always be major./minor differences within the experiences you hear and see,
I hope you get the help you need and want.
I agree that the books published by alanon and all that stuff is great!
It's okay to post here weather you want to talk about your parents, or no one in particular. It's a safe place.
I know they are your parent, but be careful how you use that, because you have to take care of yourself now.
Tyzz - Thank you for the resources; I've read through them a few times now and I appreciate you sharing your knowledge with me.
Mega -- that was a really good idea that I hadn't considered and I've spoken to my husband about possibly finding a local Alanon here. I'm not sure it's 100% what I need, but I don't think it can hurt to be around other people going through similar things.
At the moment I have decided not to cut contact with this parent but also not to initiate it. I reached out to them once on an important topic this week by text and they responded back with a one line text. I doubt they'll reach out to me unless I reach out to them first, and already their lack of presence in my life is bringing me some peace. I am going to continue this trend and see how it goes, and keep all of the resources you have given me in my back pocket.
Thank you again for reading through my post and for trying to help me!
I think it's important for adult children to draw firm boundaries and explain what they're willing to do and not do. It puts the ball back in your mom's court and she can do with us what she will. If you're willing to be her ER contact, have dinner once a week, be available for fun stuff, whatever - just let her know and then hold firm.
It might also be helpful for you to have a list of local resources so if you need help helping her, you know who to call. Mental health resources can be a bit sparse and hard to find, but you can start with ________ County Mental Health and see if they have suggestions about where to start. That allows you to do your life, but provide ideas to mom if needed.
I have lost my oldest son to suicide, and my remaining three adult children will have nothing to do with me. It makes me very angry and sad that they will not give me the time of day to talk with them about anything. But your situation is flip-flopped from mine in the regard that I am the one trying to get help and my children are the ones who are (still) acting like bratty little children. It is soooo hard to do this alone.
But I think as far as your situation is concerned, you may have come to a place in your life that happens naturally for everyone. That is, letting go of your parents and focusing on your life ahead of you. I know it is excruciating to think about letting go of any loved one who will not, or cannot help themselves. What I would suggest is, to look into and find some resources your parent can call. or go to for help. And when they need "your" help just keep referring them to the help they can get from others in the community instead of you. Which includes, if nothing else, calling 911.
If the place where you live is not very populated that may be a problem. And if it is, recovery for your parent may require a move to a place that does have appropriate resources available. It does sound to me like making a move somewhere else for a new start might be a good move. But if you do, there will still be some issues to deal with in one form or another. What people such as yourself (known as "enablers", which I am also one) have a tendancy to do is, get wrapped up in a loved-one's issues which serves to avoid your own issues that are more important for you to deal with. You are becoming a separate individual from your parent. Which in a relatively normal family is often a difficult time, let alone one that has so many problems in it. I have had to cut off ties (which weren't much anyway) with my older sister and brother because they refused to acknowledge me as an adult like them. I am 55 years old and they still talk to me like they know it all, and I know far less than they do. Even though neither one of them has any kind of higher education degree and I managed somehow to get my bachelor's in nursing. NO respect whatsoever. Just couldn't take it any more, and I felt that I had to to that in order to be able to "grow up".
You can still be there to support your parent. The challenge for you will be to give them a measured amount of support and that is where the resources come in. If you have the numbers already, you can give them to your parent and tell them to keep them in a place where it would be easy to find them. And if you keep them handy, and your parent loses those numbers (as they likely will do) you can give them to your parent again. And you will find, as you practice this, you will be able to do it when you have those resources available. And then the challenge will become for you, to also find resources available to you to help you work through your own issues that you have been avoiding.
You can love your parent and still move forward in your life. It's just that the definition of loving your parent is changing.
I'm new to this forum myself but have known I have DID for 13 years. I think all the advice previously has been beautiful.
I did hear mention of Al-Anon and that a great idea. I too have adult children as well as a 10 year old. I know it's been a challenge to have me as a mom but am fortunate that they didn't make the choice that being a part of my life was more painful and toxic than not.
I'm sorry you are having to consider that but I understand.
What I didn't hear anyone mention was the addiction component. I'm not sure if your mom was in active addiction when she was diagnosed but given what you shared I will assume she was. Forgive me if I'm wrong.
When someone is in active addiction, trying to diagnose a psychiatric condition is reckless. The person needs to be free of drugs and alcohol for at least 90 days prior to assessment for other co-occurring disorders.
Addiction can look like many other things. I'm not saying that your mom doesn't have DID, I'm just giving a bit of input. I'm a nurse myself and actually went back to school for a social and human services degree 2 years prior to my ultimate diagnosis. At the time, I worked with adolescents as a chemical dependency counselor/nurse. This is why I have the input I shared.
The obstacle for your mom as with many of us, self medicating is a huge part of our journey.
It is her decision though. She knows her life is unmanageable. I guarantee she knows that. I would say that your part in helping her would be to set clear boundaries and stick to them. If she truly has DID and is using drugs and alcohol on top of it, she should not be allowed alone with your child. Addiction, whether it's an alter decision and not part of what the core person would do, effects the body the same way as it does someone without DID. She may have alters come out while she's intoxicated that take over but the body's motor function would still be effected.
I'm in hopes that this is helpful in some way. If she is not willing to get help it could be that her addiction obstacles don't allow her the time to address any real change. Also, addiction is another way of dissociation.
Just some stuff to think about. I would also highly recommend a book called "First person plural" by Cameron West. This is the easiest read I've come across and my family (husband and older children) say it helped them feel connected to me in times that it was so painful that turning away felt easier.