I am going to leave a lot out of this for now. I am going to write more later.  I don't know much about schizophrenia at all, other than a couple of college courses years ago. I also don't know much about DID or other disorders, so I'm not sure which one my wife (who I am not with anymore) might have.  I am thinking, due to the rather "accidental hints" from whom I, at first, believed was what I think is called an alter let out.  Her first trauma, a severe one took place when she was twelve.  When she was about nineteen, there was another one. I'm not sure how disorders start or anything like that, so I don't know when it actually manifested itself in her life.

What I do know is she must have gone through some really bad experiences between nineteen (later when I do what I think would be like the backstory), I am thinking, perhaps it hadn't totally manifested itself until she was older and with the guy who was her boyfriend for around fourteen years.  He was a total asshole. I know he physically and emotionally abused her but there could have been some sexual abuse as well.  From what I gathered, between Jan. to early March, 2019, she did Meth when she was with him. He was already an addict, I'm not sure why she tried it, however from a limited amount of research and especially since I was an alcohol/drug abuse counselor, I had already known that there are times when drugs like LSD and Meth can "kick off" a disorder which is already present but not diagnosed: like in the case of Syd Barrett, one of the founders of "Pink Floyd", when he did LSD, it did whatever, to manifest his schizophrenia.

Anyway, to shorten this, I am only going to say this: after she figured out her life was worth more than living with the idiot she was with, who had done the abuse, she left.  I believe for two years, as she informed me, before we met, she quit Meth.  I met her in summer of 2006, she was a lovely, sweet, wonderful, empath sort, who had dedicated herself to work as a RN in "rest homes" specializing in care for Ahlzheimer patinets in the end stage.  When we first met, I saw absolutely no sign of her disorder, she seemed just as "normal" as anybody else.  It was weird though, after a month of knowing each other she informed me that "sometimes" she wasn't herself, especially when she got angry and that she "had issues."  Well hell, who doesn't right?  There were only about three times during our first six months together, that her anger flaired up, it was over little things, but once it had flared up, it went away pretty quickly.  But when she did "warn" me that time with: "you might not want to start a relationship with me, I get angry sometimes, not much though, and I am another person until it blows over, so think about it before you commit to a relationship with me."

That was too late, I was already in love with her and she was with me.

We had a wonderful, loving relationship, the best one I ever had with any woman.  Fact is, we were deeply in love, however she had difficulty expressing it, however I believed it was because of the guy before me.  She had told me a little bit about that relationship but not a whole lot.  

During our eleven years together, she never showed any sign of this disorder.  She was who she was, the wonderful, loving woman she was from the start...but then, well, after we became homeless in Florida, we moved back to Sacramento.  Her daughter had been a Meth addict for a few years and I guess the availabilty and the desire to do it again got the best of her.  Her first bit was done in October 2018, ok. this is where I get insulted by other people, especially since I had worked for two years as an A/D counselor and "knew better," I decided to give Meth a try.  I basically did because I wanted to see what the appeal it had for her.  I know, my bad, right?

From October to the last week of December 2018, I still didn't see any sort of disorder in her at all.  I did notice she went just a bit crazy when she couldn't find any.  I am leaving out a bit more, right now, when it concerns her attitude about Meth "as a drug." It was the first week of Jan 2019 when things got weird. As everybody knows, Meth speeds you up, it also works off of Dopamine and I know what it does.  Yeah, the sex we had at the end of the day was fantastic.  But, not too slowly, it was like a kind of slow WHAM, when we were up all night, she started having what I thought were hallucinations.  She started talking to people who I didn't see nor hear. These were simple discussions which over time got to be rants about them "not doing" what they were supposed to do and betraying her.

They got increasingly strange, all involving her "job" and "mission" in what I started to call her "mirror-world."  In her world, it kind of overlaped the real reality.  It was like, well, fibers from this reality were woven with fibers from hers, to create a sort of tapestry. I kind of went along with all of this, I didn't know what else to do.  I did learn, as it progressed why she believed she was, well, what she believed she was, which played into the whole scenaro, and it was increasingly making her angry because these "others" were not only betraying her, they were abandoning her as their leader.  I tried to keep her calm when she got into this anger, sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't.  Usually towards the end of the day, around 3am, she was calm, was "herself" and in the mood for some intense intimacy.  We'd sleep for about four hours and if she had Meth, it would start up again.  We would do this for a week at a time, then crash for a day or two, then start up again.

It got to the point though, that what usually went on while we were doing the Meth, had seeped into reality. Now this whole time, that is, under Meth, there was already a mix a sort of overlap.  As it continued, for the first month and then the first week of February, a very angry, hateful "her" showed up.  She was really hateful and angry, a total opposite of my wife.  I learned what could best be termed "secrets of her past" from the one I soon initially called "the angry alter," because by this time I had come to the realization my wife had a non-diagnosed, well, I call it schizophrenia but I don't know. 

My wife was mostly present as herself, I am forced to refer to her as "my wife" because she is the one I fell in love with, who loved me and, well, was wonderful.  The other her, the only thing I saw that they shared was a body and certain experiences.  The one I dubbed "the angry one" at first didn't show up much, only when my wife seemed tired or frustrated but the angry one would come and go, maybe not "at will" though. This is why I thought she was the alter.  I was later to figure out, mainly because the angry one suggested it when we had an arguement, something my wife and I never did.  We had a "tiff" or disagreement, I can virtually count on one hand how many times in eleven years.  But with the angry one, it was like every other time she manifested.

During this time, my wife was mostly there and it was always just like all the times, we did the things we always did, we would go places, do things and it was just like normal.  She was who I married, a loving person, totally in love with me and me in her.  But things did change, the more time went on, the more the angry one woud manifest herself.  She started being mean and cruel to me too.  When she did this, after she "left" and my wife was there, she had NO idea what had gone on. It was like when an alcoholic blanks out, no real conscious memory of what went on.  I don't think she ever had a conscious memory of what went on when the angry one popped up.

In early March, my wife came to me after going to the landlady's house, who was the mother of this shithead she had been with. In Jan 2018 we were forced to move, we had been homeless for about a year, however we lived with her step-father's mother. When she passed, he lost the house and we had to move.  The ONLY person we knew who could help us was her old friend, the mother of this dick she had been with. I really didn't want to move into the RV, which was parked in the driveway, however we had no alterntives. The first year seemed ok, she was ok, still no manifestation of any kind of disorder, no angry one at all.  It wasn't until Jan 2019, after doiong Meth for two months, did the manifestation happen.  Anyway, my wife came to me in early March. She told me she was really scared of this dickhead.  He had some incredible anger issues, it was pretty easy for him to suddenly flare up for no apparent reason. After being "yelled at" and scared by him a few times, she said it started to remind her of when they were together.  Of course it pissed me off, but there was nothing we could do, if we left, we'd be homeless.

For the rest of the time, or at least before the angry one totally took over, she avoided going to their house and avoided him. The "environment" changed drastically. I was told by a psychologist that sometimes the environment, especially one which reminds them of their past, especially a violent one, will dredge up the fears they had then, helping to force them to retreat and their disorder would grow worse.  I began to see less of my wife and more of the angry one, who I soon refered to as Vihane.  My wife was my wife up until a few days after my birthday in middle of March. As usual, my wife expressed her love, her hope for the future and declare her love and everything else by writing a letter. Every year on our anniversary she would write, every year on my birthday she would write and sometimes on Valintine's Day.  These were very beautiful letters, they expressed her love in a way which was easier for her to do than vocalize.  I could tell she was in love with me, from these letters.

The last time I was with my wife was about three days afer she wrote the letter. Right up to that day, she was HER, she was my wife, the total opposite than Vihane who was very angry, very hateful and cruel.

Let me skip to what I need some advice on.

In her reality, she believed my "other me" was an evil, vile asshole, just like the dickhead.  Soon she was blaming me for the same shit he did...not beating her, I would NEVER do that at all, one who loves as I did, couldn't and wouldn't. But she accused me of cheating on her, the very same thing dickhead did.  And odd, the woman my other-me cheated with, "looked" just like the one dickhead cheated with.  One night, probably the first week of April, while yes, doing Meth (it seemed not stop use since early Feb), she suddenly shifted a bit, personality wise.  She looked at me and asked: "Did you hear her? Did you hear the other people? They are all talking about it, she's right in front of you, can't you see her, can't you hear her tell you what a bastard you are, can't you hear her accuse you of F'ing her? You have been cheating on me."  To say the least, I was taken aback by this.  Like fuck no, I never cheated on her, how in hell could I cheat with...well, with a person who didn't exist?  Well. she did exist, but in her world, not reality.  Because my her reality and the real reality was like a tapestry, and since there were mirror-people of those she knew in her past there too, it all was totally real to her.  Seriously, I don't know how that works.

At times Vihane was ok, there were times when I thought my wife was back, but it was a lghter kind of Vihane. We even made love many times and I always thought it had been my wife, Vihane didn't really show herself or act like her, except for the rare times when something went wrong with the sex.  Then she flaired up said cruel things, hurt my feelings and suddenly it seemed my wife was back. When we were going to sleep, there she was, curled up with me, cuddling up, just like always.  It was like suddenly Vihane lost wind and power and vanished, but once we were up, my wife was only there for a few minutes before Vihane popped up and we were off on a tangent of her angry, hateful bullshit.  To say the least, I had to walk on eggshells, so to speak around her, anything could set her off on an angry, hateful dirge.

Well, all hell broke loose and she simply forced me away. I had no alternative but to leave.  She had become Vihane ALL the time, even when it was the usual time we made love, she was cold, distant and unfeeling, sometimes downright insulting and making fun of me. Yeah, I knew the difference between her and my wife.  Some three weeks prior to Vihane finally forcing me away we got into an arguement.  I DEMANDED she let my wife come back. I told her, probably not a smart thing, that I knew they were different, that it "was like" they were two differnet people.  She laughed at that. She looked straight at me and said: "I might be able to work miracles, I might have learned how to do all sorts of amazing things, that was what I was supposed to do, that was what I was born to do. To learn the lessons so I could be who and what I am," she paused, laughed a lttle then finished with: "I never learned how to be able to PHYSICALLY divide myself into two separate bodies, nobody, even others like me, on a higher level can't do that.  How do you know that I AM NOT the original?"

Oh shit.  It was then I realized the angry,hateful, cruel one WAS the original and my wife was her alter. I had fell in love with her alter, and her alter had fell in love with me.  For eleven wonderful years, I had been with this most wonderful woman, a polar opposite to Vihane and SHE, my wife had been the damn alter.  What was frighting, was that ONLY with Meth use did my wife share some things in common with Vihane...that being what she really was, well, in the mirror-world.

I felt Vihane would be the one forever, I'd never be with my wife, ever again.  Her disorder had fully manifested itself, kicked off my Meth use, all I could see was Vihane and Meth, forever. As I said, to her, Meth wasn't a drug, it was a "medicine" which allowed her, my wife, while she was in her disorder...or maybe in life, I dunno...to feel, both emotionally and sexually.  I could explain that but it would take too much now, let's just say that the reason for the Meth was not only to "ground" her, it also allowed her to feel. Earlier, one time in April, she insisted she "didn't know how to love" and "didn't know how to feel"...she needed Meth to "feel" not only emotionally but sexual pleasure, which I found bixarre, since my wife was VERY much the emotion type and VERY much the loving one, especially when we made love, which oddly she never called it that...she always called it sex.

Ok, now I gotta skip.

I've been gone for three months. I have not heard from her, period.  Well, Vihane doesn't want anything to do with me, I guess I thretend her existence and her rational.  I was a threat to her mirror-world and all that she was, I think she was fearful that her alter, my wife, would find the strength to force herself into it all and be...the one.  Fuck it sounds as if its some kind of science fiction movie, or something, but it isn't.  The two indidivdul personalties: one Vihane, one my wife---each led a separte existence, went on and had sepearte experiences, wer seperate.."people" who inhabited the same brain, the same body.  Vihane felt her existence was threatened, not only by my wife who she created as an alter, but also by me, who this alter was totally in love with, thus, I think the combination of fibers from her experience with dickhead and me...forming THAT reality.

I've come to realize, most likely my wife, as she waa, as my wife will never come back, if the environment or reason to feel more at ease and less threatene ever goes away and my wife is "allowed" to surface, she won't exactly be the exact personalty. The disorder computer would have reprogrammed her, to  give her some kind of reason why I am not there, in her life.  I don't believe she will ever be my wife again.

Now, see, I was dealing with the silence, not very well though. There are times i go into deep, severe depression. Even with me saying my wife has "passed" (in a way she has), doesn't seem to lighten my depression, there's been seveal times I simply couldn't handle it all and, well, felt somewhat suicidal.

AND then...just like when it came to getting back the wedding ring I bought her a couple of years ago, which meant SO much to my wife and SO little to Vihane, who argued they meant nothing, they did not represent anything, they were NOTHING to her, this counters EVERYTHING my wife believed. For her they were a visual representation of her love, my love and ours.  Vihane kept showing up, insulting the whole thing, not caring, putting off going to the pawn shop to get them back, knowing full well the date we had to get them.  She dragged it out until it was too late.  When my wife went to get them and found out it was too late, it was like the world crashed on her, she even cried, something she hardly ever did.  Then, suddenly, Vihane was there, taking over, shutting down everything.  This was about the time she took control.

We lost everything we owned, three years prior, when we couldn't pay for our storage.  We were in Florida, we had our storage in California.  We both begged her daughter to get our stuff and move it.  Every time we sent money to do that, unknown to us, her daughter used the money for drugs.

When we lost our stuff, we both vowed to NEVER let it happen again.

Four years later, a heartless, cold, vindictive hateful Vihane apparently refused to pay the storage and she lost it all.  It puzzels me about it though. LOGICALLY Vihane new she would eventually need what was in the storage, an expensive bed frame and an expensive TV and what we had left.  WHY would she allow it to be lost?  If she finally moved somewhere, she would need that stuff, she would have it to live.  She wouldn't have to "start over" with bed frame, tv and the rest of it.  WHY would she get rid of having it, by not paying for it?  I don't get it at all.

For three months, I have no idea what's been going on in her life.  I don't know if she and her daughter have made up and live together, I don't know if she is actually with somebody else, but I kind of doubt it, she ALWAYS told me she was fully able to survive without a man, even sexually, she "knew how" to pleasure herself, though a man did help a bit.  Vihane is a total survivor, she will do what she thinks is the best way, but she won't break the law to achieve it.  I doubt she will go against her own ethics to achieve it, nor "return to Satan's bed" (dickhead) and "go backwards" as she put it, by allowing herself a way out.

I just don't understand it.  I don't know why, even as Vihane, she would allow herself to lose all that suff...UNLESS it is a way to keep my wife in check, but of course my wife doesn't know about losing it all, nor will she ever, I don't think.

This just doesn't make sense to me.  Even if she was to move where she was and into someplace that actully had furniture, she still wouldn't let it go.  Something is wrong.  Something is terribly wrong.

As I said, I could imagine Vihane doing this just to put to rest any kind of emotional attachement to those things, whiich would remind her of the life her alter, my wife, and I had.  Just like the wedding rings.  That was the very first serious thing she did, to destroy some kind of connection, the visible showing of my love for my wife and her for me.  Vihane new their importance to her alter, and then went about, in a fully calculated way to "lose them." Did she do the same with our stuff in storage, and what in hell did she do with all my clothes and other things I had no time to get and bring with me?  It seems to me, she is stripping away, removing EVERYTHING which was important to her alter, and to me: she is removing EVERY emotional attachment she can, even the kind we have for such things as wedding rings, beds, a collection of elephants, and ALL the rest.  But what is she doing it for?  Is she clearing it all out because eventually she will submerge and either an altered wife will come back, or possibly a new alter of her will be born?

OR...did that dickhead, in a fit of total anger, for whatever reason, beat her and accidently killed her.  Believe me, I can see it. I can honestly see it.  My wife was afraid of him, with a reason, that is why Vihane was there at times when they were together and then recently.  Vihane knows how to fake it really well, even those idiots can't really tell the difference.  She fully knows how to act like the her alter, like the one she was, when they were all together.  She knows how to fool EVERYBODY because they simply don't know and wouldn't believe in the idea she wasn't herself, or she has a disorder.

I TOTALLY fear for her life.  Both her physical life as well as her emotional and physical life.  Apparently she did too, otherwise why did Vihane "come back" when she felt threatened and scared.  The emotional environment changed around March 2019 and that is when Vihane seized everything.  How can it be now that I am gone?  If she has moved, she would still need to be Vihane, at least for a while, and she certainly would need the shit from the storage.  It wasn't as if she didn't have the money to pay for it. She just chose not to.

What with this weird thing happening, with the storage and what it meant to my wife...knowing she had the money to pay, and the vow we both took about not losing it...is it possible I am right and Vihane is doing the same thing as what she did with the ring? Regardless of the fact, when she moves, she has to start over with it...she is trying to divest all of what my wife and I held dear, the emotional ties to THINGS as representatives of our love, of our time togehter...getting rid of it because of what?

OR could my worse fear be true? He killed her and got away with it because she alienated her daughter, got rid of me, alienated her brother, who doen't give a fuck anyway.  If her daughter doesn't even count anymore, another attachment to my wife...I, as an attachment to my wife and the material things: getting rid of everything...which was dear to my wife...why?

It goes beyond my understanding.

Is my wife REALLY passed?  I say she is, because in a way she is.  She's gone, yet the body lives on, but another person is inside of it.

I feel like calling the police and having them do a welfare check. If she is still there, Vihane will do all she can to protect her reality, she will do as she always does: act like my wife, or some other "self", it will be a lie, but to her it will be the truth, since it is a part of her reality...and the cops and everybody else will buy into it because she acts so normal, so honest about it...and besides, her truth is a TRUTH to her, so why would she lie about anything, especially the cops. I will explain things to them, but when they talk to her, even if they know the basics...they most likely will buy what she is so honestly standing up for and believe her.

All I want is to know if she is ok and still alive.

Am I doing the right thing, caling the cops for a welfare check or should I just leave it all alone and NEVER know what has happened to her?