Multiple Personalities Support Group

Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...

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I can't stop the hate

VeronicaJames
VeronicaJames

I have tried so hard to learn not to hate myself. Ive tried to accept that it wasn't my fault that I grew up in the violence and all horrible words that we're said to me. I feel like I can't escape the self hatred. I can confidently say I don't hate others, just me. I think all of my parts hate me and themselves. I don't see it as pitiful, just matter of fact. I cant convince myself otherwise. I've spent half of my life in therapy. I believe God created everyone with a plan and purpose. I have the ability to see good in everyone. I try hard to help everyone because everyone deserves good things and to be happy and I don't want others to feel the lonely awfulness of not mattering. I always end back at believing I am the exception to all of that. It doesn't apply to me. I can't make myself believe that I deserve the same things in life that everyone else has a right to. I can't feel it or get it no matter how hard I try. If that's the case and I have to accept that reality, I don't see a reason to be here, except to care for and help others and to not cause a disruption with my exit. Does/has anyone else struggled with this and have found a way around it?

somtimesimme
somtimesimme
I struggle with this every day. Its so bad sometimes that if someone compliments me on something I get so nervous for two reasons, one I don't feel I deserve the compliment and two I have this weird feeling of being disrespectful toward them by not "truly" deserving the compliment no matter how small a thing it is. I'm still learning about my alters but I have figured out that one of them knows we're abnormally intelligent and has no problem letting people know when they talk down to me like I'm a child (surprisingly i'm coming up on 32 but I'm tiny and have a childlike look about me still and most people assume my son is my baby brother lol). My first thing I ever reached for to cope with things was humor. Its not always healthy but sometimes it can be if youre doing it to express how you feel about something in a way that takes some of the sting out if that makes sense at all. For example: my very large Navy and devoted Catholic family who is helping me out right now bc of this diagnosis keep trying to introduce me to Marines to date so I can find "a good husband"....I laugh every time and point out how I would make the best girlfriend ever because there's so much variety with all five (thats how many alters we've figured out about so far) of us that he could be the world's biggest cheat and still be completely monogamous lol. Does this seem helpful at all?
Jellybean6
Jellybean6
I know this feeling all too well. I'm really struggling right now and can't seem to get a hold on things. I'm so tired of always having to start over every time I think I'm making progress.
KittyTwist
KittyTwist
Self hate is really anger, directed at yourself.
Does that help?
Cuz really then it makes sense, doesn't it? All of us with this condition that hate ourswlkves - really we are ANGRY at the people who hurt us, and angry about the things that happened to us. And we didn't know what to do with that anger, so we directed it inward.

See if you can remember that? You are angry at what happened and just took it out on YOU rather than others. Now it is time to maybe just have the anger PERIOD. Maybe then you can start to find ways to see your value and worth. Your beauty and potential.

Thats just what I think....
VeronicaJames
VeronicaJames
I agree about anger. I even have a part named Anger. It's much easier to take it out on myself and blame myself. I can't do anything about anyone else. My therapist talks about holding those accountable for their actions instead of taking it on. I can't/won't talk to those people about it. It would cause a big mess and chaos in my family and I can't go through that. I know there are other ways and so far it's just going to be part of the journey. I can Invision rectifying the anger at some point. Excepting myself.... I don't see, but never say never. Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone. It's always nice to not feel so alone.