It sounds like your instincts are pretty good in saying "I don't want to be naive with this. I also do not want to be taken advantage of with this. I want to be informed so I can better manage my reactions but also be effective at setting boundaries with her alters while being a good friend to her." Be yourself.

Thank you, Incognita, for joining in with us...there have been a few good friends and followers of this group doing just what you're doing ~ looking for advice on how to relate with someone who has DID.

I think that what you've done already, venturing out of your own comfort zone and finding a way to help your friend is an incredible feat of it's own. Too often, we get sidelined because of so many incongruencies, and also too often, made to be liars and ...(insert appropriate word).

There are a lot of psychotherapists on all levels who don't even believe this condition exists. It's people like you who can help us verify that it surely does exist.

So there's one piece of advice; when seeking a therapist, it might take a few to go through before you help her find one who will work for her. psych. therapy is unlike medical treatment in a few different ways, and I think this is one of the primary ones; that is, when you go to see a dr., you generally are going to hear the same diagnosis and get the same course of treatments, or options for whatever ails you. When you go to see a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or whatever version of pscyh professional, you are subject to their interpretation of more subjective information as well as their own personal views, personality, etc. so finding the right one may take a few tries.

It sounds to me like you've already overcome a big huge hurdle in helping your friend by being open to it and wanting to help her heal. SO many people are not willing or able to do that. She is very fortunate to have someone like you who will stand by her side and help her along. It is mainline advice not to do that, and "let them swim" but some of us just plain need the extra help and understanding. THAT'S reality !!

And as you said, you don't want to be naive or taken advantage of, and that's also a very solid place to start. I think the first thing i would tell you about being a supportive friend, is planning on a VERY slowly progressive relationship (which is neither here nor there, actually, just the speed at which it travels) as well as an investment of a whole 'lotta patience, which it sounds like you already have.

Each of us have a different experience with DID, since it is about personality and the differences in severity and longevity and at what age it happened (the abuse) and so on. So you'll also need to expect the unexpected. Some of us heal relatively quickly and others, like me, seem to be going to have it indefinitely. It is a disorder, not a disease. The difference being, a disorder in medical termonology is something abnormal that is caused by any one or combination of physical, genetic, environmental, etc. influences. A disorder is generally not contagious, and not caused by somehting specifically identifiable like a germ or injury. A disease is more frightening to the general public when that word is used, because a disease may be contagious, and unless someone who is being informed of it, like friend or family, unless they already know whether or not a disease is contagious, by instinct tend to retract from the diseased individual. So it is important to bear that in mind when you're helping explain what it is to others.

OK, kinda got off on a bunny trail there, sorry. DID is as far as I know, the most severe form of PTSD someone can have before they lose touch with reality altogether. It happens generally when someone is very young, under 5 years old, and has to endure repeated severe abuse or trauma of some kind. And that is usually done by the primary caregiver. But not always, on either count. There are a lot of possible variances with this particular disorder. The trauma gets so unbearable that a completely different personality is formed to hold those feelings in order to keep some kind of functionality. Some people might have several, or one or two alters.

I think the best take-away thing for you to know is, that having a relationship with someone with DID is never boring, always challenging, and a lot of people are not able or willing to have one with someone who has it. I think it is also important to know, it will challenge and strengthen you as you learn to help her. And to start with getting close to any of our inner worlds, remember that even if you meet the most sinister personality, that one is still a part of your friend's being.

So being non-judgemental, diplomatic, and supportive to every one you meet within her (or anyone at all, for that matter!!) will help them all learn to trust you and know that you are not going to side with any one part and cause further hurt and division.

HOpe something in there helps!!

((( hugs ))) and welcome to our little family..

xa1nbowxR: I am myself with her, and I'm always honest about things as well (unless it's private matters, then I don't share). But yeah, at one point in our past things got really ugly, emphasis on the "really". I am pretty convinced that it could have been alter related so I want to protect myself so it doesn't happen again but still be a good friend.

starfish: Like I alluded to in my above post, M and I have had MANY ups and downs throughout the years. Now knowing about the DID diagnosis it definitely sheds some light on what may have been causing things to shift so violently back and forth. It also explains some of the lying and manipulation that happened in the past as well (another reason why I want to branch out and get other people's input on DID and not just follow what she tells me).

Supposedly she has seen a therapist for 12 years (she was from CA, was living in WA when I met her and is back in CA) that she started seeing after her traumatic event that caused the first alter to appear and the disassociation to begin. This lady specializes in DID but I have a feeling my friend isnt fully willing to work with her. The alters tend to come out and I dont think its constructive. Ive mentioned that she get a new one and she doesnt want to. From what little Ive seen (Ive been shown a text log between them once) it seemed like the therapist was good and was pushing her to make positive progress but M just runs and lets her alters take over so she doesnt have to deal with it (is the vibe I get anyway).

I try to be as accepting and understanding of the alters as I can be but at times it is a bit worrisome for me. I know that there are three and possibly a fourth one. The two main ones (S and P) I get along with fine. The violent one Ive never had direct contact with but I think a certain violent incident years ago I was present during was it surfacing. Back then (it was six years ago) I didnt know anything about DID (I think she had a feeling she had it but didnt tell anyone) so Im thinking it was the violent one.

Yeah, our friendship is strong enough where we are pretty open and honest about things but the patience button has been smacked a lot on my end lately lol. Her other medical problems dont help either because they only add to her stress, which can increase her mood swings or shifting, so I try to be as patient as possible (I talk to my friend thats an EMT about those issues, so Im trying to be informed on all fronts).

I believe she was 11-12 when the abuse was occurring, and she attempted suicide when the stress was too much for her. She told me that she woke up six months later after the attempt and couldnt remember anything and that was when the first alter formed. Her abuser wasnt in the family, but the family blamed her for the abuse and took it out on her verbally/mentally/emotionally/physically etc. To be perfectly frank, Im not surprised at all that she has DID because the trauma was very severe.

Like I mentioned above, Im pretty sure shes had DID the entire time Ive known her. I just didnt know it was there but now that I do know I am recognizing why things happened the way they did in our friendship. Im still really intimidated by it in some ways (Im still in WA and shes in CA for medical treatments) but thats mainly from my own PTSD due to domestic violence (the violent alter is what Im scared of seeing). I know it is part of her, so in a lot of ways I am not scared of it because I understand its those negative feelings that were in her, but my triggers from my DV abuse still flare up badly when I feel threatened.

I want to say thank you for giving me such a thoughtful response. I really wasnt expecting it but it has definitely made me feel a lot better about things. Sorry I wrote a novel response! Lol.

What I meant by 'be yourself', is that I think if you tried too hard to be what she 'needs' you to be it would make the relationship falsely based then and it wouldn't help her. We all need friends to be 'real' with us and not afraid and think they have to walk on eggshells all the time, cuz that's really 'enabling'. There is a good vid I posted when I first got here about a friend who actually got into the issues and did take some time out from her own life. lemme see if I can find it now (I'm not in researcher mood :P but I'll do a little searching for you)

Here. It's in 7 parts:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TlYGivBGYE

OOOH. I get what you mean. Dont worry Ill be the real me. Im the brutally honest friend LOL. She comes to me with things because she knows Ill be completely up front and honest with my responses. I know she definitely lets her guard down with me more than her girlfriend, which is a good and bad thing (I wish she would be more open with her gf but thats a whole different set of issues).

Thank you for the video! I plan on watching this and analyzing the crap out of it lol.

just be there for them and listen

Welcome to DS. I hope we can be supportive for you. Talking about the switching without telling thing...yeah, that's pretty much how it is for us too. We don't tell people when we have switched, and sometimes aren't really aware of it ourselves. We all go by the birth name to people outside of our head most of the time, so many people never really know a switch has happened. We're pretty good at keeping people at arm's length even though we want closer relationships because being multiple can be very lonely (ironic, that). Sooo...we tend to pull people to ourselves and then push them away because we feel above all we must not expose our secret identities. People tend to not understand. Then, we may have a conversation, make plans or promises, and then switch and know nothing about it. We are not lying. We honestly don't know what we said or did sometimes. Sorry for that. I really don't know how to advise for friendship aside from be patient, repeat your plans in creative non-nagging ways, be flexible for when things get messed up, and believe your friend as much as possible. Hopefully, the parts that are not really true will be able to be adressed in time.