Sorry for your struggles Divine. I understand some of what you are going through. Mine used to hide my journals and other things. I think what changed it, is that they really deep down wanted to have a voice. Once they believed it was safe and they were not going to get into trouble for being discovered, it changed. Maybe if you wrote a note to them in your journal, they would respond and not tear stuff up. Like something nonthreatening? I hope that helps.

YEs, I agree....finding a safe time and place is key. Finding a good therapist is also key....do you have one, or access to one?

Have you tried artwork? it was the only way I was able to access childhood....
Unfortunately i did have to stop because it got to be too much.but for awhile I made progress.

I do have a good therapist. He doesn't specialize in dissociative disorders but he is really the best I have found. He encourages me to continue writing in my journal and since they keep going missing I have given up buying the nice ones I like at Barnes & Nobel and I just buy cheap notebooks now... Right now I am feeling fairly well, the Bipolar is mostly under control, the depersonalization, while still constant, is not as bad as it could be, the anxiety is at a minimum (I only have to use Klonopin once every other week or so).. so overall it is going well. So I feel like it is a good time to maybe try to tackle something hard. But everytime I attempt to remember, everytime I start writing again I start having panic attacks, nightmares, things go missing, the Bipolar goes out of control again, the depersonalization gets really bad and I dissociate a lot. 6 years ago I moved 3000 miles away from my mother, which was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I live closer to my father but only see him twice a year and he spent years in therapy himself for the pedophilia, he admitted to what he did and apologized for it. He is trying now to be a father without pressing me for anything. I feel more at peace then ever before in my life.

Sometimes I just let things be because life is ok, I am ok..... but then other times I want to know, I want my childhood back. The few memories I have are so horrible, there have to be some good ones and since I know what happened to me it's not like having the memories would be a big surprise or anything. I'm missing 13 years of my life and I want it back! I've tried communicating through a journal and the only response I've ever gotten is to have the page torn out of my journal and thrown in the trash....

I used to draw but haven't in years.... between raising 3 kids and working full time I just didn;t have the time to give to me.... but recently I bought a huge dollhouse kit.... I just "felt" like I always wanted one so I bought the biggest one they had. I never thought it would be something that I would enjoy but I am having a great time building it and buying trinkets for it. It's huge (3 floors and 14 rooms!) and may take a lifetime to finish, I feel like I am making someone happy.

Arggg... I guess I am just frustrated because I am stable right now and I know if I push things I'll end up falling apart again. Maybe I should just let it be, not try to remember, just enjoy being stable....

I understand the delemma. When the stuff settles down for a little while I face the same thing...conquer something, or just be glad to be ok. Husband says to conquer it because without victory the war is never done. I don't know if I agree with him. He's not going to feel what I am going to feel, but HE DOES have to go through dealing with me in the process, so his input matters. Still...

try writing a note to them. get like a journal and put it where they can see it. start writing to them. if you cant see them yet then thats the best way for you to get to know them.

I started by validating them (telling them I know they're here) and making it a point to appreciate each of them, even though I didn't know what they were doing "in" me at the time. Just recognizing that they'd been here a while and that they each had a purpose, albeit one hidden from me, helped them start to trust me and we began having more of a dialogue.

To get to know them, I made a space for each of the main four on a page of paper and then asked them to write words about themselves. When they were each able to do that, I thanked them, then asked if they'd each write words about the other three. It was fascinating to see how each of them saw each of the others... no two saw anyone the same way... but it helped strengthen our acknowledgment of each other's presence.

(They DO still hide things from me sometimes, though!) :-)