Multiple Personalities Support Group
Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...
I have sent a few of you a message over the last couple of days and to those who have replied thank you. There are still some questions I'd like to ask though so I hope you don't mind me joining your community to post them.
I have been dx with Bipolar with BPD traits but at the moment I am going through a tough time with everything. I have symptoms which just don't fit with these dx.
I'll try to explain myself as best I can and I'd just like to know if you think this could possibly be MPD/DID or if it not clear cut enough.
Basically, I'm feeling very confused at the moment because I don't always feel 'myself'. I sometimes feel like 'someone else' is taking over causing me to think and act in certain ways. For example I get intrusive thoughts of self harm and will suddenly have the urge to do it. It actually feels like I'm fighting against myself. Part of me is saying no don't be stupid I don't want to do that, but the other is saying yes you should. you have to it's right. BUT the confusion comes in because as I understand it, people with MPD/DID completely lose control and so their alter will take over completely. But when I have a 'splitting' feeling...it seems to only take over my mind...not the body. It's the way I think that causes me to act in certain ways. It's hard to explain but I'll try and give an example.
I was sitting at my desk doing some artwork when it was like something 'clicked' inside me. I realised I didn't want to be doing it. So I put it away quickly and by the time I'd put it away I felt very down. I desprately wanted to self harm and did. Once I had done it I suddenly felt very panicky, I ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out. Then I was ok again, I got up cleaned myself up and went back to my room and I can remember thinking...what the hell was that all about?
The thing that contradicts MPD/DID is that I clearly 'remember' what happened. I can see me doing everything...BUT I don't feel connected to the emotion I must have felt, if that makes sense.
When I look back in my diaries the same thing hapens. I can remember my hand going across the paper and I know I wrote it...but I don't remember feeling those emotions that I wrote. It's like I disconnected myself from it.
This is why Im struggling to understand if I have MPD/DID or not. If when these incidences occured I didn't remember them then I think I'd definately be MPD/DID...but I do remember them...instead of 'becoming' a different alter...it's like I stay there all the time but share my body with another who sometimes gets their way.
I don't know if that makes sense and I'm sorry it's so long. This is the best way I've been able to describe myself so I'd really appreciate your opinions.
Thank you
x-Bliss-x
I have been dx with Bipolar with BPD traits but at the moment I am going through a tough time with everything. I have symptoms which just don't fit with these dx.
I'll try to explain myself as best I can and I'd just like to know if you think this could possibly be MPD/DID or if it not clear cut enough.
Basically, I'm feeling very confused at the moment because I don't always feel 'myself'. I sometimes feel like 'someone else' is taking over causing me to think and act in certain ways. For example I get intrusive thoughts of self harm and will suddenly have the urge to do it. It actually feels like I'm fighting against myself. Part of me is saying no don't be stupid I don't want to do that, but the other is saying yes you should. you have to it's right. BUT the confusion comes in because as I understand it, people with MPD/DID completely lose control and so their alter will take over completely. But when I have a 'splitting' feeling...it seems to only take over my mind...not the body. It's the way I think that causes me to act in certain ways. It's hard to explain but I'll try and give an example.
I was sitting at my desk doing some artwork when it was like something 'clicked' inside me. I realised I didn't want to be doing it. So I put it away quickly and by the time I'd put it away I felt very down. I desprately wanted to self harm and did. Once I had done it I suddenly felt very panicky, I ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out. Then I was ok again, I got up cleaned myself up and went back to my room and I can remember thinking...what the hell was that all about?
The thing that contradicts MPD/DID is that I clearly 'remember' what happened. I can see me doing everything...BUT I don't feel connected to the emotion I must have felt, if that makes sense.
When I look back in my diaries the same thing hapens. I can remember my hand going across the paper and I know I wrote it...but I don't remember feeling those emotions that I wrote. It's like I disconnected myself from it.
This is why Im struggling to understand if I have MPD/DID or not. If when these incidences occured I didn't remember them then I think I'd definately be MPD/DID...but I do remember them...instead of 'becoming' a different alter...it's like I stay there all the time but share my body with another who sometimes gets their way.
I don't know if that makes sense and I'm sorry it's so long. This is the best way I've been able to describe myself so I'd really appreciate your opinions.
Thank you
x-Bliss-x
As my T's put it...I just found a new way to be DID.
Sounds like you have some very strong dissoistive tendancys going on.
peace be the journey
Paja
Karin
What we have is called "co-consciousness." Some people have a lot of amnesia; some have almost none. I remember almost everything in my whole life, unlike many, who have forgotten their whole childhoods. But, like you, the ones who come out make me do things I don't want to do--like the self-injuring, or feeling the depressed feelings-- and so being unable to function at what *I* wanted to do!
So if my intellect (Jo) decides to clean the house as soon as I get home, but the Little Ones see the computer is unoccupied, they rush over to it, and Jo helplessly watches as they spend hours on it, and the house stays a mess! She can try to cajole, or convince, or persuade them to let her back out, but if they say "No" she can only watch, helplessly, from the inside, hoping something like a telephone call will interrupt, so she can gain her power back again.
I'm so confused...I'm worrying myself that I've just convinced myself I have MPD/DID and I don't really...but what I've typed IS what I've experienced so I don't know. I wish there was just some test you could take so you could see it in black and white. :(
x-Bliss-x
If you are not comfortable with your therapist perhaps you should consider finding another, or asking him for a referral for a second opinion. Or, you might find it helpful to do what I did and seek out an expert in DID and go for a consult. The expert I consulted did diagnose me with MPD, as it was called at that time, but I didnt believe it. I still have difficulty with the idea in general and for myself in particular. I know that it is my stuff that causes me to question the validity of the diagnosis, after all if it is a bogus diagnosis how could I possibly have it??? Ha, denial is not limited to lay people, mental health professionals are probably more prone to it than most!
Anyway, I hope you find an answer soon, I hate to see you tearing yourself up. Please take good care and if you wish to write me at my regular email please feel free.
If the answer is no then I end up with no explination for any of this.
On the other hand if he thinks there could be something in this I have to go down this route and explore the past. Something I have NEVER thought I needed to do. Maybe I should talk to my Mum about this first. She has been amazing throughout everything so I know she will be supportive. I just still have this paranoia that people will think I'm making it up or something, then I end up with no explination AND no one to talk to.
x-Bliss-x
Keep a journal. It will help!