Mothers of Incest Survivors Wives and Mothers of Offenders Community Group
I have searched long and hard for a support group dealing with the specific issues that a mother who finds out their child/ren have been sexually abused by their husband or boyfriend face. Once the swirling chaos dies down after discovery and reporting of the abuse, we are left with so many questions, judgement by people we love the most, DSS, police, investigations,...
If I see or hear this question one more time I'm going to lose my shit. I'm so sick of it. I have seen it posted in other forums about sexual abuse. It infuriates me. Because we are the mothers, we take all the hits. If the tables were flipped, the husband wouldn't have been expected to know everything that was going on.
The truth is that my daughters hid this just as much as my husband. I worked all of the time. I was gearing up for law school. My youngest always seemed happy. My oldest had an attitude. When I spoke with several friends with children the same age, they said their children were acting the same way. So I attributed it to hormones. Both children wanted to be around their father all of the time. I had no reason to question his actions. None. My reality was that he was a good father and the girls loved to be with him. I felt lucky to have such a supportive husband while I tried to build my career.
That is only one story. But I have heard so many other women that I have come in contact with during similar circumstances. None of them, not one of them knew. And I believe them. When I found out my whole body went into physical shock. Same with the other women.
How dare people assume that I was somehow collusive in the sexual abuse of my daughters? It infuriates me when this is insinuated to other mothers struggling to get through each day for the same thing. I swear, I might hate the people who suggest such a callous thing more than I hate my husband for what he has done. It's one thing to get mad at women who do not protect their daughters once disclosure has been made. It's quite another to suggest to a mother who just had her whole damn life turned upside down and her heart ripped out of her chest that somehow she must have known it was going on.... also insinuating that they allowed it to happen.
This is not something that just happened to our children. This is something that happened to us too. We're expected to be made of steel, not feel anything in regards to our own loss. Well human beings aren't that way. In our lives, one second our lives were one way, the next second, our lives had taken a dive into the pit of hell. We are a part of that journey. I am walking every step of this with my daughters.
There is a good book out there called Attachment Trauma... It deals specifically with the issues faced by all members of the family in this situation.
Sorry for the vent. I just saw something this morning that pissed me off. I had to write it out here before I sent an evil message to a person. I'm going to go have a cup of coffee now and try to forgive this person for being a hateful moron.
The truth is that my daughters hid this just as much as my husband. I worked all of the time. I was gearing up for law school. My youngest always seemed happy. My oldest had an attitude. When I spoke with several friends with children the same age, they said their children were acting the same way. So I attributed it to hormones. Both children wanted to be around their father all of the time. I had no reason to question his actions. None. My reality was that he was a good father and the girls loved to be with him. I felt lucky to have such a supportive husband while I tried to build my career.
That is only one story. But I have heard so many other women that I have come in contact with during similar circumstances. None of them, not one of them knew. And I believe them. When I found out my whole body went into physical shock. Same with the other women.
How dare people assume that I was somehow collusive in the sexual abuse of my daughters? It infuriates me when this is insinuated to other mothers struggling to get through each day for the same thing. I swear, I might hate the people who suggest such a callous thing more than I hate my husband for what he has done. It's one thing to get mad at women who do not protect their daughters once disclosure has been made. It's quite another to suggest to a mother who just had her whole damn life turned upside down and her heart ripped out of her chest that somehow she must have known it was going on.... also insinuating that they allowed it to happen.
This is not something that just happened to our children. This is something that happened to us too. We're expected to be made of steel, not feel anything in regards to our own loss. Well human beings aren't that way. In our lives, one second our lives were one way, the next second, our lives had taken a dive into the pit of hell. We are a part of that journey. I am walking every step of this with my daughters.
There is a good book out there called Attachment Trauma... It deals specifically with the issues faced by all members of the family in this situation.
Sorry for the vent. I just saw something this morning that pissed me off. I had to write it out here before I sent an evil message to a person. I'm going to go have a cup of coffee now and try to forgive this person for being a hateful moron.
The pain of loss is still very strong: my values and belief system were shattered, my social network was destroyed, my financial status became unstable, and, the biggest heart break of all, I lost my only son. The pain never goes away, but I have learned to accept those things I cannot change.
I've never told 'my' story because I have always felt that it was my son's story and chose to respect his privacy. It is very comforting to share with others who have had the same experiences.