Vicvic, can you post a brief synopsis of the book above, Attachment Trauma? Is it a book with ways to preserve the family when this action has occured with a family member? Does it have any stats pertaining to the low risk of a convicted SO to reoffend?

It is a psychology book that discusses the emotional upheaval and turmoil experienced by all members of the family... the mother, the children, the father (abuser), and other extended family members. It does not have stats in there, but I will get you the research that I have for that. Mending the family is rare. It's very difficult, but not impossible. However, all members of the family would have to be open to reunification therapy. It is usually suggested that the abuser and the victim have no contact for the first two years after disclosure.

Oh thank you so much for this post!!! I have felt the same frustration with the way people assume the mother HAD to know the abuse was going on. The "How could you not know?" question is so horrible and it makes me sick. I DID NOT KNOW!!! The thought that something like that was going on never even crossed my mind. My kids never acted differently and they never said a word to me. In fact, they told me after my husband was arrested that they tried very hard to make sure I never found out anything. So let me tell all the people out there who want to blame the mother and assume she knew it all along and did nothing to stop it...YOU ARE WRONG in many, many cases. I am sure there may be mothers who fall into the other category, but there are many who are completely shocked and whose world falls apart when they find out what has been going on. I know firsthand that you never really know someone...yet the shame and blame still falls on the mother. It makes me angry and sick at the way many people treat mothers of sexual abuse victims.

Hi Mikeswife! Yes, I have heard this over and over again. It is infuriating. Both of my children told me they didn't want to tell me for two reasons: 1. They didn't want me to kill their father. 2. They didn't want to hurt me. I was devastated. We blame ourselves enough. We certainly don't need any outside influence in that department.

I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It is gut-wrenching. I'm horrified for our daughters and terrified for my husband. Heartbroken sums it up.

I can so relate to your description of the body going into shock, when you find out there has been incest in your house. I first found out about my son being molested by my husband in 1980. The abuse had happened four years earlier and I believe never happened again. In fact my son, who is now 40, confirms that it only happened when he was five, but his daddy told him it wasn't going to happen any more, because God hates it. Daddy had himself and my son get on their knees together and asked for God's forgiveness.

When I learned about that - the prayer and the fact it had actually ended - I decided not to report it. I know that nowadays there are people who would believe I did the wrong thing. But they don't understand how different public sentiment was back then. I was deathly afraid to divorce him, claiming incest. Back then, people didn't discuss this topic and didn't believe kids who tried to report incest. I was afraid a divorce judge would disbelieve or minimize the incest and give their daddy partial custody. That would mean the kids would be with their daddy unsupervised. I felt I needed to keep our family together so I could protect my children.

Turns out, I was way too naieve. Hubby (now ex-hubby) also molested son number 2, while I had my back turned. So much more research has been done since then and so much more information is available to the public via the internet that it's almost like being on a different planet.

So, I can totally testify that it's very possible for incest to happen right under a mother's nose and for mommy to be the LAST to know.

You know, if it's one thing I've learned through all of this Honestwitness, it is that everyone seems to know the BEST way to handle the situation when they aren't in it. Public sentiment was very different back then and you did what you felt was the best thing to do at the time. I reported my husband. Now that he is facing life in prison and my children are even more affected by that at this time, I doubt the choices I have made.

I'm so sorry to hear about your sons. I never thought I would be able to love an offender, but having gone through this myself, I can now see that this is not black and white. The only certainty is that it is very painful. We're here for you!

I used to work in a psychiatric hospital for children. We were taught to be very alert to the signs of sexual abuse. So, I knew what to look for! But when my husband abused our granddaughter in our own home over a period of several months, I saw and suspected nothing! Who can you trust in this world if you don't trust your own husband, the people in your own family, your closest friends, the people who have never appeared untrustworthy before? Yet, these are the very people who do these very things 95% of the time!!

People who blame the mother...or grandmother in my case, are simply ignorant. But we have to realize that they are ignorant because THEY WANT TO BE. Nobody wants to know that what happened to us could happen to them. The urge to touch children inappropriately is something that is only deep in the awareness of the person who has the potential to do it. You can't read it on their faces (although there is a fascinating report on the ATSA website that summarizes recent brain studies so maybe it can be read in their brains!)

When you trust someone enough to build a life with them, you don't ever think that this kind of behavior is even possible. When it happens, yes, you go into shock. I ended up losing my job, being hospitalized for 4 days, and then out of work (with no income!) for 2 1/2 months because the shock was so severe. (I actually have a better job now, so all is well on that account.)

There is also a culturally historical precedent for blaming the mother that goes back to the 50's and 60's. Some recent literature even reflects that idea. The idea has not gone away, but is mostly out of favor in professional circles, but I think it still exists in the social psyche no matter how false it is.

What I have found helpful for me with people who make these kinds of comments, is to simply bless them. That's right. First, I remember that just hearing about our stories is traumatizing to most people. It violates the most sacred boundaries of family. NO ONE wants to recognize that as a reality. It would mean that they would have to examine their own life, their own urges, and the behavior of those that they love. NO ONE wants to do that. So, it becomes easier for them to look for someone to blame, to externalize their own feelings of fear and shame and perhaps even their own hidden experiences with these issues.

So, I'm not saying that I succeed with this all the time. Some comments will send me off the deep end or steal my energy to the point that I can't function very well.

When I do bless people who try to hurt me, though, I find that I do not hurt so much. I begin to feel compassion for their fear, their ignorance (as a defense mechanism), their anger. We can't stop people from feeling angry, but we can put it into the perspective that they are hurting, too, and extend our love to them. I guarantee, once you get used to doing this, you will feel better and isn't that the point!

For those of you who are interested in the Bible, there is a scripture where Jesus teaches us to love, pray for and bless our enemies. It is an internal technology for our own inner peace. Also, Byron Katie says, "Defense is the first act of war." People can try to hurt you all day, but you are the only one who can let them. I think Eleanor Roosevelt has a famous quote about that.

Well, something to think about...

Love you all!

Peekachu: Although I'm no longer a Christian, I do believe in the basic principles of Christianity. And I do believe that having compassion for those who have been hurtful toward me would bring healing. I try to take a step out of myself and view them as fearful, hurt, or angry. However, it has been those closest to me who know me and love me who have caused me the deepest wounds. It is going to take some time for me. However, I think I will reach that place.

Sidenote: I was abused myself. I knew the signs very well. And a still didn't see them. I completely believe that you were trained to recognize the signs and didn't see them... because they are only signs after the fact. Most "signs" of sexual abuse can be attributed to many different things.

Hi, Vicvic, I know it will take you time. Your wounds are very deep. Mine, not so much, although still very painful. Each of us has to heal in our own way at our own pace. Perhaps for you these ideas will be things to come back to at another time or you may find a completely different path. I'm not much of Christian, either, but some of the teachings have really become cornerstones for me. I offer my ideas for anyone who finds them helpful, no more.

I know what you mean about the "signs" being able to be attributed to other things. I thought he was being a "good grandfather"....

Much love.

:) These ideas are ones that I'm trying to put into place for myself now. I'm just not very successful most days. Haha! I just feel abandoned by pretty much everyone I loved and trusted. My husband because of his actions, and my friends who walked away due to those actions. I'll forgive eventually because I really do believe that is what brings true healing. And I think it will come naturally, at least for me anyway.

I think the story of Jesus is beautiful. And I do find them helpful. I know several others here who would as well. :)

Vicvic, there's a book called "Forgiveness and Child Abuse: would you forgive?" that you might find interesting. I got. I used on Amazon.

what the people who arent in our situation dont understand is WE are GROOMED also. i too am so hurt by this statement ... it is cruel and HAD caused me so much added shame at the time of disclosure , i felt judged and perceived people thought we were in a sexual abuse pact ? shame on the naive and ignorant. ive let it go too because i know the truth i know what i didnt know and have to deal with what i didnt know and see not them .

Haven't posted much on this forum and have recently had a major crisis with oldest dd attempting suicide twice within 24 hours. We're in a better space for now.

I hate these comments too and have asked myself so often how I could have not known. It was happening a couple of rooms away from me, and during the day too. My sister in law blamed us big time and she used to be a counsellor with our local rape crisis centre. We no longer keep in contact with her because it is too painful with everything she was throwing at us. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing, but it doesn't change what happened.

Hi Ozmum - it's nice to hear from you but so sorry that your family is in so much pain. Your most recent crisis with your oldest dd must have been extremely frightening and overwhelming. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been but I'm glad that for now you're in a better space.
Yes- hindsight is a wonderful thing and it's so easy for us to look back and wish we could relive parts of our lives and have a chance to do them again but as you have said, we can't change what has happened.
Learning to move forward is what we are all at different stages of doing and I hope we can continue to support you as you move ahead and heal from what has happened.
Thinking of you

Hi mumofhope - frightening is an understatement. Really rocks you to the core. Puts one on edge constantly wondering if she is safe or trying to harm again. It literally sucked the last ounce of coping out of me and I just went numb. You get to the point where you wake up and wonder what problems life is going to throw at you today. Horrible way to exist, but for now that is our reality. Trying to get our house ready to sell the week after next. We need to get out of here. We had hoped that counselling would help enough that we could stay, but we realise that we need a fresh start.

Best keep going with things around the house. Will check in when I can.