When we found out that my stepson (who was in his 30's at the time) had been molesting his brother (my son) it was devastating. The way we found out was worse. My son (13 at the time) had ended up molesting my grandson. We don't know how long the abuse by my stepson went on or when it started , because my son is a high functioning autistic. He has very bad long term memory , and his concept of time frames is not very accurate. So we have no idea if it started when he was very young or when pubuerty began (my presumption is very young). I had a very hard time with the "head" pictures , everytime I thought about it . I was so enraged at my stepson. After a few weeks, the resentment began eating at me from the inside out. I couldn't find help for my son because he wasn't just a victim - he was a perp , and he was under 18 , so no therapist would take him. I felt so useless - and guilty as hell for not sensing something wasn't right in the first place. I became suicidal. After a few days in the psych ward at the hospital , I had done some soul searching. I knew I had to let it go , and forgive my stepson or the inward anger would kill me. About a month later I got that opportunity. A family member had died and I knew my stepson would be at the funeral home. I walked up to him , grabbed him , and hugged him as tight as I could and told him " I forgive you". I can not begin to explain the weight that was lifted from me that day. My stepson is currently serving a 10 year sentence for probation violation and will be on the sex offender registry for life. My son , is a Tier II sex offender , but not because of what happened with my grandson. His offense was a consensual Romeo , Juliette thing , and the girl lied about her age.
The relationship with my stepson will always be strained at best. I don't trust him. Trust is earned - forgiveness is free. It's not an easy decision whether to continue a relationship when it concerns family. I would give anything , for things not to be as they are. I don't envy you this kind of decision , my3hearts , but I certainly will be praying for you.

My step-daughter was molested by a cousin, we don't have anything to do with that side of the family (my husband's) because they are toxic. they encouraged her to turn around and falsely accuse her dad so they could have revenge.
The whole situation is one screwed up mess. We now have to suffer because she lied (even tho' she admitted she did so later) and now another of her cousins is in trouble for messing with a 12 year old and he is 22.
I don't hate her or them, and I will allow limited supervised contact between my sons and their sister, if they want, but as for the rest of that family, I want nothing to do with them. I do pray for them tho'

I stayed with my husband after his non contact offense with my daughter. At 1st, though, I was sure it was over, and I became suicidal. Then he wrote me with true remorse in his words...he wasn't just sorry that he was caught, he was truly sorry. There still isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't tell me or show me how sorry he is. I truly hope one day our family can be healed and whole once again, and I have total faith that it will.

Warriormama: I hate to tell you this, but you are so wrong...a leopard CAN change their spots if they truly want to. I know this from personal experience. My own brother molested and raped me and basically used me as a sex toy for three years of my childhood. He later changed his life, confessed to the horrors he put me through, and begged for forgiveness. I can't say that my forgiveness is perfect because I'm only now working through the trauma he and others put me through, but I can say that I'm proud of the brother I have today. I understand that the path you've taken is right for you, but please don't condemn others because they're not taking that same path...you have no idea what's happened in their pasts that have influenced their decisions today, just like I have no idea what brought you to your decisions. Like the saying goes, "don't judge a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes." And yes, that includes SO's...because I agree with peek...there are monsters out there, but the vast majority are just people that were hurt as kids, too, and never learned how to break the cycle so they made some really bad choices. God bless...

Hi, Justmom22,
What an incredible story of forgiveness! You decided that you could have peace. What a miracle!
Thank your for your sharing.
Peek

Thanks Peek. We all have pretty incredible stories , and can learn a lot from each other. Hugs.

All of you women are so inspirational. Brightside and justmom22, wow! Thank you both so much for sharing your stories and offering support. I really admire your courage and strength.

vicvic , I want to thank you for making this a safe place for all of us to release , and standing your ground on what this forum is for. You're awesome.

Ditto my comment to Justmom to Brightside! Ain't forgiveness great? I'm so glad we can share these stories with each other!

Thank you peek, I think I'd be a very bitter woman without forgiveness. And thank you, vicvic, I don't think I would've had the courage to share some of my story in any other group...all the other ones, while they'd be sympathetic toward my "victimhood", would condemn my empathy for offenders. Thank you so much for creating this group!

That's the very reason it was created. :) I'm so glad you found us.

Hi my3hearts..I'm late on this reply too - but warriormama kept me away for awhile :-( I wasn't feeling very strong.

I wanted to expand on my first reply since I seem to be one of the few who stayed.

About the leopard and their spots...Since my husband was never prosecuted and the statute of limitations had expired and my daughter had no intention of prosecuting him anyway, his redemption had to be completely voluntary. He had to prove himself on his own - no one was going to force him to do anything...so...

I had to know a few things before I could even stay in the same house with my spouse. First, just FYI ...understand that a year and a half after disclosure, we are living more as roommates - not husband and wife. He would love for things to be "back to normal" but knows that there is a long road ahead before that happens, if ever. One day at a time is a good motto!

But here are the things that I had to know for myself to know if the leopard could change his spots deep down...

Was he sincerely remorseful?
Was he willing to do whatever it took to make amends?
Was he willing to get psychologically tested?
Was he willing to undergo therapy? Individual, couples, and family?
Was he willing to be part of an ongoing recovery program?
Was he willing to face the anger of all the family members head on?
And then, was he willing to discover WHY he had done this? Why this one time?

The answers to all those questions was yes. And he has learned and grown so much in the past year and a half. He has been devastated by much of what he has seen in his life but he has faced it, and is still facing it. He has had to face not only the damage he has done in her life, but the damage that was done to him from physical and sexual abuse as a child that he just "put away" in his mind, as well as the hurts that he caused others because of his emotional unavailability,etc. He has never touched another underaged person sexually, other than my daughter, either before or after. And we know from testing that he has no tendencies to do it again. His willingness to go through all this voluntarily is what has kept me at least beside my friend.

I was telling our other daughter that I had to decide whether he was a horrible person - or a damaged person who did a horrible thing. I believe it is the latter.

But - you have to make your own decisions for your own situation. My decision would have been different if I had found out about the abuse at the time it was going on. Just make the decision that is right for you and yours. Everytime I say "but...what will people say?", my psychologist says, "And, do these people pay your rent?" His very nice way of saying - who cares what they say - it's your life.

A couple of good books that were recommended to me were: "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Spring and "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by Lundy Bancroft. You may roll your eyes at some of the stuff like...it seems so petty compared to what we are dealing with. I actually found myself sitting there going " you just have NO clue!". But there are good parts that might help clear your thoughts - which was my biggest problem - my mind just kept going in circles and never seemed to get anywhere!

Anyway - sorry to be so long winded! good luck sweetie.

I'm newer on this journey, but I have found that those with the most judgement/ anger and hurtful comments to others are the ones that really seem to struggle the most. I don't want to be in that place myself and I struggle to not let the anger hurt our recovery. I want us all to move forward. There is something to be said for those that can love those that the rest of the world find unlovable. I don't want to judge someone's situation that I have not personally been in. I love my children unconditionally and my heart really breaks for those that have their children as both victim and offender. I can't imagine how badly it would hurt to have people judging your children! Hugs to you all, b/c you are amazing moms and reading through your posts has been so healing for me. Thank you all!!!!

Thank you. So glad you found us and are finding some healing along this journey.

my3hearts
I have stayed with my husband so far. He sexually abused my daughters (his step daughters). This came out approx. 9 months ago and I have gone through a lot of different emotions because of this, but I have continued to Love him - which some people can not understand how. My husband made bad choices, he has accepted what he did was wrong and has accepted his punishment (10 years to life), he was a good person and still has good qualities about him. I do not condone what he did, but it happened and there is nothing I can do to change it, but my feelings for him are still there. But no matter what hurdles I get thrown at me I get through them and sometimes with the help and support of my husband. You have to do what YOU feel is right for your situation and not let anyone tell you otherwise. I have met a couple that went through this and stayed together, the daughter that it happened to has since forgiven him and does have a relationship with him. So no matter what people tell you it can work - but it all depends on the people involved.

Hi, TSmom2012,

I hear you about still loving your mate. People don't just turn bad because of certain mistakes. I still see my husband as a very good person and the love of my life. Child sexual abuse will never be lessened until we start hearing more stories about forgiveness. Our legal system does not want that. Sex offenders are a cash cow. It is the world that sees black and white, not those of us involved. Handled with love, we can make it through anything.

Much love to you,
Peek