Miscarriage Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.

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Second Trimester Miscarriage...Need some support

ay0603
ay0603
Hello, I am new to this site and looking for some advice/support. Last Thursday I went to my doctor for my 16 week appointment and when the nurse tried to hear the heartbeat with the doppler she couldn't find it so I was sent to the ultrasound room so they could try to see the heartbeat, she told me it was probably just the position of the baby and they would do the ultrasound just to be sure. They did the ultrasound and I could see the baby perfectly but no one was saying anything, then she went and got the doctor and he sat and watched it for a few minutes. He put his hand on my shoulder and said I don't know if you are seeing what we are but there doesn't seem to be a heartbeat. I had already had one ultrasound at 8 weeks and saw the heartbeat and was told everything looked great and then at 12 weeks heard the heartbeat and it was 160bpm I just couldn't understand what could have went wrong? I have had 2 early miscarriages and I have 1 daughter who is 6 and i just never could have imagined this happening so far along in my pregnancy. My doctor scheduled me to go into the hospital on Sunday night to be induced, I had a second ultrasound done which confirmed the baby was no longer alive and I started having contractions after about 2 hours of the medication being placed, I delivered my baby at 11:16am the next day and it was a girl and she looked so perfect to me just very small, she was 6.5 inches long and weighed 3oz. I was told it was most likely a heart defect or a chromisonal abnormality. I came home from the hospital on Tuesday and I am just heartbroken. I have been sleeping just about all day, I am so emotionally drained. I had kind of asked my family to give me some privacy because all I wanted to do is be alone during all of this happening as I knew for 3 days before I went into the hospital that my baby died and had to wait to go to the hospital. Today I talked to a couple of family members on the phone and to my suprise they weren't really being very supportive first my stepmother was so upset that I named my baby the name that I had already picked out for her because she said I should have saved it in case I have another baby (I was encouraged at the hospital to name my baby and I am very glad that I did) I had picked that name for this baby. then I was told that they knew i was sad but I needed to get out of bed and stop being depressed and move on and then I was told well you can just have another baby... it's only been 3 days and I don't understand how someone could expect me to be over it already, I'll probably never be totally over it, I know it will get easier in time, but how can someone be so insensitive to say something like that? Maybe they just don't understand? I am just feeling very alone and hoping maybe someone who has been in a similar situation could give me some advice? I really just need time to greive and for some reason no one around me seems to understand that. I do have a very supportive husband who has been great, he has been very upset as well, although we are handling it differently, he is the strong one and I am a mess, but he went back to work yesterday and I feel even more alone when he is gone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. People will say the most off the wall dumb things, and what's awful is that they truly think they are helping you. I find it sad, because a lot of the time this is how these people were comforted. Some people have a "suck it up" mentality that honestly does NOT work across the board...unfortunately you may find dealing with people's comments has been one of the hardest things at this time (I know it was hard for me, and people still say stupid things and it's been months), along with a mix of emotions that comes with it. One positive thing is that you know how to comfort others and have the empathy that few possess. So you will be able to help more people and they will be glad that they had you to talk to.

You do need time to grieve. Even taking a day to be with your husband, just you and him. Men put on a front to hide any vulnerability than they feel, keep that in mind as I am sure he is being strong for you. Give yourself things to do to keep busy if you are having trouble being alone with your thoughts. Good luck and know that the people on here are really supportive and kind.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I also lost my son at 16 weeks on June 13th, 2011. I became very ill a week before he passed away. My temperature never went below 104 degrees and my blood pressure was at 96/50. I was pretty much bed ridden. I was in the ER and my doctors office every other day that week, and they had no idea what was going on, they told me to take tylenol and I would be fine. I was finally able to go back to work on Sunday, June 12th.... about 5 hours into my shift I went to stand up to help a customer and as I stood up, my water broke. I was rushed to ER where it was verified that his heart was no longer beating. I trusted in the doctors when they told me I would be okay... I heard baby Phoenix's heartbeat for the FIRST and ONLY time when I was sick that week, and it was strong. I thought he was okay. Anyways, I was in labor for 14 hours and Phoenix was delievered silent at 5:21am on June 13th.

My friends and family were supportive for the first week and then they started the whole "well, you need to start getting over it, you need to move on, god works in mysterious ways and you can't control what happened so move on" kinda stuff, so I understand where you are coming from. I will admit that its been almost a year, and I'm still finding it hard to deal with what happened to me, Sure, I have my bad days, and everyone does, and will for a long long time, but the good days have overcome the bad, You will get to that point too. It's a rough road, and even harder without the support of the ones closest to you, but somehow you will make it through, and be a stronger person because of it. Your daughter will always be apart of your life. Don't let what others say bring you down. You do what you feel is right for you. I have joined march of dimes:march for babies, and have been raising money and will be doing a walk in April for all the babies born premature. I find that it has helped me a lot. It feels good to be apart of such a good cause. Maybe eventually, when you are up to it, you could look into it? It might help you too. Please, dont ever hesitate to message me anytime! Prayers & hugs. XOXO
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. :( You take as long as you need to grieve and please be sure you do have someone to talk to. This being your 3rd loss I know it is hard. Most people don't know how to react if it didn't happen to them. You are not alone and you will be in my prayers. God bless and know this is a great place with a lot of supportive women who understand just how hard this is.
deleted_user
deleted_user
First and foremost, congratulations on joining this group and taking one of many steps to healing. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss - we can all understand exactly what you are going through.

I also miscarried at 15 weeks on January 18, 2012 and went through a similar situation. I had contractions of and on for three days and the baby even had a heartbeat up until we reached the ER that night...we essentially watched our baby die - I had an infection in the placenta. We don't know if it was a little prince or a little princess.

Like you, I have had people say the worst of things. My own mom told me that it would be ok and I'll forget about it with the next one - shocking considering she had two miscarriages before having my older sister. I told her I needed her support and not superficial things. Others have told me I'm being selfish and that the miscarriage was my fault. Out of all this I learned to just let people say what they have to say, try my best to ignore it, and follow why my heart and mind say. I have tried to find what makes me happy in life and focuz on that. It has helped quite a bit.

You are absolutely entitled to the time you need to cry, scream, be angry, and even shut the world out. But, don't forget that your own life is a gift. EAch breath you take is a gift - don't let that go to waste. For me, I have never valued my life so much as I do now knowing that my being here is a true gift and miracle - live it to its potential.

Hang in there - it really does get a bit eaier as time goes on. We are all here for you and there is nothing you can't put on here to share with us that we haven't felt at some point or the other.

Sending prayers for strength and courage your way (for you and your husband).
deleted_user
deleted_user
Im sooo sorry for your loss. I say to heck with everyone else and take the time to be sad, greive and feel the feelings that you have. Some people are just so insensative. it hurts the most when its family to.we are all here for you and support you. Its been 3 months for me since I miscarried and Im still crying over it. I say just take one day at a time.
ay0603
ay0603
Thank you so much for all of your kind words, it is really nice to know that I am not alone in such a sad set of circumstances and I am too very sorry for your losses. I left my house for the first time last night to go grocery shopping with my husband and it was so hard for me. I felt very anxious, I was hoping I wouldn't run into anyone that I knew and it seemed like there were women with babies everywhere...when does it get easier? I have one more week off of work and I am dreading going back, I know I will have people coming up to me constantly and I just am hoping I can keep it together emotionally.
VeronicaMS
VeronicaMS
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. You take as much time as you need. I will be praying for you.
kristin75
kristin75
I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Reading your post reminded me so much of my loss. I lost a baby in October of 2007. I went to my 15 week check up and the doctor had a hard time finding the heartbeat with the doppler, so she wheeled in a portable ultrasound machine. I could see the perfect side profile of my baby, I could tell by my Dr's face that something was wrong. SHe turned the monitor off and said, "I'm sorry, The baby doesn't have a heartbeat." I was in complete shock. I went numb. She had me follow her to have another ultrasound, with a better machine. That also confirmed that the baby no longer had a heartbeat, measured to have died at 14.5 weeks. I had just seen the baby by ultrasound 5 days earlier and could see the fluttering heartbeat. I could not believe this. I had 2 previous pregnancies that were completely perfect and this on had been going the same way. How? What happened? I was given the decision to have a D&E (which they would basically vacuum the baby out) or I could be induced and deliver. I chose to deliver. The baby had the right to be delivered, not treated like it wasn't human. I saw that perfect looking baby by ultrasound. I delivered my baby girl, looked so perfect, so tiny, but very much a baby. The thin cord was very tangled up when she came out, the guess was an imperfection in the cord. I did have an aotopsy done, but everything came back fine. The loss of my angel Karena was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life so far. I had a graet support system, but there were family and friends that barely acknowledge that I lost a baby! They ignored me, didn't say a thing, or would say I miscarried before too. To all women a loss is a loss, but a loss at 4 weeks and a loss at 15 weeks is different....I delivered my baby....dead. I lost a baby! This site was where I found the most support. The women here were so understanding and supportive. When they said they understood how I was feeling, they really did. I found so many (which is sad) that have lost babies at all stages of pregnancy and stillborns. It is a process and it will take time. It seems cliche to say, but time will heal. You will never forget, but the pain will subside. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my baby. I did go on to have another baby. My pregnancy was fine, but very nerve racking. I constantly worried that something was going to go wrong. I have a very active 3 year old boy Connor now. Nobody can put a time on when you should be done grieving, it will take time. Believe me this was the best site I could find during that difficult time. I don't know how I would have gotten through it without the amazing women on here. Please let me know if I can help you at all. Lots of hugs and prayers coming to you. xoxox Kristin
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh my goodness, my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry for your loss, and I am so sorry your family didn't seem supportive. It has been about 5 weeks since I MC naturally at 13 weeks. It was my first child and I am almost 38. I can tell you that now that 5 weeks has come and gone, I do have some good days, but I still have bad days. At first my husband was extremely supportive. He even took a few days off work to be with me and it was wonderful to have him home. Now that he is back to his normal life and schedule, it seems I am the only one who remembers that just a month ago our baby died. I guess the grieving process is different for the mother because we actually carried the babies in our bodies and delivered the babies. We had and still do have a bond with our babies who are in Heaven now that no one else will ever have. I wish you well and it does get easier with time, but while you are waiting for it to get easier, it just plain sucks. If you want to cry all day then do it. If you don't want to be bothered then people need to understand you are grieving.