Miscarriage Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.
So my fiance thought me writing down a list of my issues and how I felt in a journal would help me start healing from this most recent loss... So this is what I wrote...
My Problem is that I can't deal with losing my babies. I can't get over them being gone. I can't balance grieving, healing, being in a relationship and working so when I get depressed I take it out on my job or boyfriend.
1. I feel like I failed him as a wife. I fell like I failed my babies as their mother.
2. I feel like if I stop thinking about them that they won't matter anymore.
3. I feel alone. Like I'm the only one that's grieving. I know it's not true but it seems that way.
4. I feel like my friends get mad when I post about them on facebook or talk about them. Like I'm just supposed to keep it hidden like some terrible secret.
5. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I didn't try hard enough to save them.
6. I feel like I am just supposed to drop it and be ok. I feel like everyone thinks I need to get over it already.
7. I feel like I don't deserve to be a mother.
8. I feel like I'm too young to even be worrying about whether or not I will ever have kids. People my age are supposed to be very fertile, but I can't even have one baby...
9. I feel like I'm not ready to be a mom anymore. But I feel like I have to keep trying anyway.
10. I feel like he should hate me because I can't give him the family he's always wanted.
11. I feel like I'm never going to have kids. I don't see myself with a family anymore... I don't see anything.
12. I feel like I should just close my eyes and not wake up sometimes.
13. I feel like I should have tried to deal with our first two losses sooner instead of trying to forget... And then later taking on grief 3 miscarriage all at once.
14. I feel like my pain has turned me into a person that I don't want to be.
15. I feel like i fake smiles and laughter when I'm in pain just so everyone else is happy.
16. I feel like I put my pain before our relationship sometimes.
17. I feel like my job drives me too close to the edge sometimes. I'm a photographer, and I love it. But I can't handle taking pictures of newborns, toddlers or pregnant women.
18. I feel like I should have told those close to us that we were pregnant, instead of waiting. I hate that we had to give them bad news when they ask whats wrong, and not sharing the good news while we could.
19. I feel like I've given up on everything.
20. I feel useless sometimes, because I can't even reproduce... Which should come naturally.
21. I feel like the holidays don't matter anymore. There's nothing to celebrate.
22. I feel like I never got the chance to say goodbye and that's not fair.
23. I feel like I pretend all the time when a lot of the time I'm just numb.
24. I feel so jealous of everyone who has what we can't have... Especially those who take it for granted.
25. I feel like I'll never be able to be ok again. I feel as if my entire world has been destroyed.
26. I feel pathetic because I'm not strong enough to handle this.
27. I feel as if I'm going insane.
28. I feel like I've been left with nothing... And everything that mattered in my life is gone.
29. I feel like the only interaction I'll ever have with kids is with friends' kids or kids I don't even know... And that makes me feel terrible.
30. I feel like I shouldn't be this hurt when i was only a few weeks along.
31.I feel like I just keep trying over and over knowing my babies are going to die because I'm a bad person.
32. I feel like if I try to help others going through this it will make it better... But instead I find myself breaking down.
My Problem is that I can't deal with losing my babies. I can't get over them being gone. I can't balance grieving, healing, being in a relationship and working so when I get depressed I take it out on my job or boyfriend.
1. I feel like I failed him as a wife. I fell like I failed my babies as their mother.
2. I feel like if I stop thinking about them that they won't matter anymore.
3. I feel alone. Like I'm the only one that's grieving. I know it's not true but it seems that way.
4. I feel like my friends get mad when I post about them on facebook or talk about them. Like I'm just supposed to keep it hidden like some terrible secret.
5. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I didn't try hard enough to save them.
6. I feel like I am just supposed to drop it and be ok. I feel like everyone thinks I need to get over it already.
7. I feel like I don't deserve to be a mother.
8. I feel like I'm too young to even be worrying about whether or not I will ever have kids. People my age are supposed to be very fertile, but I can't even have one baby...
9. I feel like I'm not ready to be a mom anymore. But I feel like I have to keep trying anyway.
10. I feel like he should hate me because I can't give him the family he's always wanted.
11. I feel like I'm never going to have kids. I don't see myself with a family anymore... I don't see anything.
12. I feel like I should just close my eyes and not wake up sometimes.
13. I feel like I should have tried to deal with our first two losses sooner instead of trying to forget... And then later taking on grief 3 miscarriage all at once.
14. I feel like my pain has turned me into a person that I don't want to be.
15. I feel like i fake smiles and laughter when I'm in pain just so everyone else is happy.
16. I feel like I put my pain before our relationship sometimes.
17. I feel like my job drives me too close to the edge sometimes. I'm a photographer, and I love it. But I can't handle taking pictures of newborns, toddlers or pregnant women.
18. I feel like I should have told those close to us that we were pregnant, instead of waiting. I hate that we had to give them bad news when they ask whats wrong, and not sharing the good news while we could.
19. I feel like I've given up on everything.
20. I feel useless sometimes, because I can't even reproduce... Which should come naturally.
21. I feel like the holidays don't matter anymore. There's nothing to celebrate.
22. I feel like I never got the chance to say goodbye and that's not fair.
23. I feel like I pretend all the time when a lot of the time I'm just numb.
24. I feel so jealous of everyone who has what we can't have... Especially those who take it for granted.
25. I feel like I'll never be able to be ok again. I feel as if my entire world has been destroyed.
26. I feel pathetic because I'm not strong enough to handle this.
27. I feel as if I'm going insane.
28. I feel like I've been left with nothing... And everything that mattered in my life is gone.
29. I feel like the only interaction I'll ever have with kids is with friends' kids or kids I don't even know... And that makes me feel terrible.
30. I feel like I shouldn't be this hurt when i was only a few weeks along.
31.I feel like I just keep trying over and over knowing my babies are going to die because I'm a bad person.
32. I feel like if I try to help others going through this it will make it better... But instead I find myself breaking down.
I hope you don't mind but i stole some of your feelings and actually emailed them to my husband at work. Only because you put into words so many of the things I've been longing to tell him. His responses are right below my numbered ones. I hope it brings you some comfort to know how he feels and I am sure your fiance feels the exact same way. Message if you ever need to talk.
1. I feel like I failed him as a wife. I feel like I failed my baby as a mother.
You've never failed me and you didn't fail our baby. This was something neither of us could control...theres only one thing that could control it and I no longer believe in him.
2. I feel alone. Like I'm the only one that's grieving. I know it's not true but it seems that way.
Couldn't be further from the truth. I still think about it every day. I'm just being strong for you. Balch's don't cry, remember?
3. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I didn't try hard enough to save the baby.
Nothings your fault and nothing we could have done. You can't save something if you don't know it needs saving...
4. I feel like I am just supposed to drop it and be ok. I feel like everyone thinks I need to get over it already.
We will never "get over it" or forget it. I will remember it as long as I live. We just have to continue on the best we can. Unfortunately, life doesn't stop, but we dont have to forget...
5. I feel like I don't deserve to be a mother.
You are the most deserving mother to be I know.
6. I feel like I'm too young to even be worrying about whether or not I will ever have kids. People my age are supposed to be very fertile, but I can't even have one baby...
I hate other people...
7. I feel like I'm not ready to be a mom anymore. But I feel like I have to keep trying anyway.
Of course you are ready to be a mom. Why wouldn't you be? What has changed? Nothing...
8. I feel like he should hate me because I can't give him the family he's always wanted.
YOU are my family. If OUR family ends up being me and you, so be it. I love you more than anything and want to spend the rest of my life regardless of the circumstance.
9. I feel like I'm never going to have kids. I don't see myself with a family anymore... I don't see anything.
We WILL have a family.
10. I feel like I should just close my eyes and not wake up sometimes.
Who would I kiss every morning before I go to work (other than bacon breath mcghee)?
11. I feel like my pain has turned me into a person that I don't want to be.
I know who you are. My wife, my life, my heart.
12. I feel like I put my pain before our relationship sometimes.
Everything won't always be perfect. We will be okay no matter what.
13. I feel like my job drives me too close to the edge sometimes.
If there is one thing I could change it would be where you work. It pains me every day to know you have to go to that hell of assholes and constant reminders of what we don't have. One day you will get out of there. I know it.
14. I feel like I shouldnt have told those close to us that we were pregnant.
Me either. Not like they give a shit anyway.
15. I feel like I've given up on everything.
You can't give up and you won't give up. I won't let you (Shea won't either). We both have too much to live for.
16. I feel useless sometimes, because I can't even reproduce... Which should come naturally.
We aren't alone. There are millions of people like us who have even worse situations. We DO have the ability. It just hasn't happened yet.
17. I feel like the holidays don't matter anymore. There's nothing to celebrate.
Life. We still have friends and family who love us. And last but not least, eachother. I want to celebrate US everyday.
18. I feel like I never got the chance to say goodbye and that's not fair.
I feel the exact same way. I know life isn't unfair, but this is fucking double unfair unfair.
19. I feel like I pretend all the time when a lot of the time I'm just numb.
I put on a pretend face every day.
21. I feel like I'll never be able to be ok again. I feel as if my entire world has been destroyed.
It can and WILL be okay. I promise. And have I ever lied to you (hint, the answer is NO)?
22. I feel pathetic because I'm not strong enough to handle this.
You ARE strong enough. One of the strongest people I know. You wouldn't be here if you weren't.
23. I feel as if I'm going insane.
Its just the royal jelly (sorry bad joke). You aren't going crazy and if you do, I promise to come visit you in the asylum (another bad joke).
24. I feel like I shouldn't be this hurt when i was only a few weeks along.
I don't care if it is 1 week, 8 weeks, 6 months, after birth. Nothing can even begin to explain the feeling of the thing you love the most but never even got to hold...
I think that this list is a good thing. #1 It helps in getting some of those emothions out so that you can maybe better analyze them (like you said, figure out which ones are relavent and which ones are not) #2 As someone else said, you can come back and reread this, when ever you feel like it. #3 You are helping quite a few of us other MOTHERS who are having the same issues with the same feelings. This list has made it possible to bring some of us together, and vent and pour out our feelings!
I wish you the best of luck! Don't give up hope, and please, like I said it doesn't matter how "far along" you were, NEVER FORGET that you ARE a mother. We just have precious Angel Babies! Take care sweetie, and if you ever wanna vent, I'm here! :)