I am so very sorry for your loss. I know how you are feeling, I suffered two miscarriages and each time I didn't expect to hear, there is no longer a heartbeat.

Please do something everyday for yourself. Check out my blog on Miscarriage and Self-Care.

http://www.agiftofmiles.com/blog/blog/miscarriage-and-self-care

Hugs,
Kristin
http://www.agiftofmiles.com

Join me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Minneapolis-MN/A-Gift-of-Miles/215263248789

Dear Kristin,

Thank you for the sweet reply. So sorry you have experienced this TWO times...I cannot imagine! I will visit your blog. I can't picture doing something for myself right now...I am stuck in the middle of the delivery part, which has me completely traumatized... :-( How long has it been since you lost your babies? Does it get any easier?

I'm so sorry for your loss. There are no words I can think of that would be a comfort at this time, except perhaps to know that you are not alone. I too have suffered from two m/c. One was weeks after the baby had passed. It's very hard. My thoughts are with you.

I just can't fathom ever going through this again...so very very sorry you had to endure it twice. My heart just goes out to anyone that goes through this multiple times. I just talked to a lady at our church who lost SEVEN babies to miscarriage!! She has gone through many different types and circumstances of miscarriage and then had 2 healthy pregnancies. I can't imagine all the grief she has experienced, but it did give me solace to hear that she could still have healthy pregnancies after so much havoc on her poor uterus.

I have such a wonderful and loving husband, but it seems like everything he says or does feels hurtful and instead of drawing closer to him, I am pulling away. It is like he reminds me constantly (almost by just being there) that our baby is gone...it doesn't make sense. How do you draw together? I can't even picture being intimate again when this is all over...I feel terrified of everything. Like everyone has expressed, I am afraid of my body...that something is wrong and (especially because I am an older mom now) that we can't have another baby. I will keep reminding myself about that sweet lady from church who lost so many babies, but has 2 with her on earth to hold.

I know everyone is different, but my greatest stress right now is being able to bury our baby. I am frantic about it and so worried that we will not be able to. It is not fair to go through all this labor and pain for such a sad outcome. :-(

I also lost my 4th baby. I was 13 weeks and the baby measured the same but there was no heartbeat. It has been a little over a month and I am here to tell you that things do get easier. I have gone from having bad days with some good moments to having good days with some bad moments. I still miss the baby and think about him every day but it doesn't hurt as bad. So sorry for your loss but know that you are not alone!

Thank you for that beautiful and encouraging message! I am so so so so sorry to hear of your loss! Thank you for sharing such a wonderful message of hope.

How old are your other children? I am 40 and have my children fairly spread out. (21, 12, 2 and then this little one.) My 12 year old is taking this as hard as my husband and I are, which breaks my heart.

Today was the worst day of my life, as it all finally happened. The thing that prompted me to write (fear of not being able to recover our baby's body) was put to rest today, as I was able to save it. We can have a funeral now, which was so important to me. Was that something that you tried at all? I know people have all different feelings about it. I never really gave it too much thought before, but had INTENSE feelings about it when we learned he had died.

I, too, cannot imagine a day going by without thinking of our little Matthew, as you can't help but revolve your life around your baby from the moment you know about him/her. But, it would be nice to imagine a time where we are not all crying and hugging each other in grief. Or when random things just feel like a knife wound to the heart...seeing other people with babies...my toddler talking about reading to the new baby when he gets big enough to come...etc.

Did you know ahead of time that there were any problems, or did you also get blindsided like we did? I am still in a state of shock . As a matter of fact, when I sat down at the computer tonight, I went straight to the "Baby & kids" section on Craigslist, thinking I was looking for a bassinet still.

Have you thought about trying for another baby? This baby was a surprise for us, but I am so grief-stricken that we aren't having a baby now, that I hope God will bless us with another one when we've had time to heal. I admit, though...this has been traumatic enough that I may be too scared.

Thank you again for the message. It is hard to see even 2 days down the road right now... God bless you on your journey of healing.

I have a 4 yr old, a 2 yr old, and a 15 mth old. We, like you, were completely blindsided. We went in for a normal appt and there was no heartbeat. Here I thought at 13 weeks that we were safe! I did not get to have a funeral because my doctor highly recommended a d&c. In my state of shock, I went with it but I did make sure that my baby, Joey, would be treated with respect. The d&c was done the next day and was the most horrible experience of my life. I cried until I was put under and woke up crying. I felt so guilty for that decision and felt like I had done something wrong. I have since realized that I made there was no decision for me. I went with what the dr said to do. I could not have loved that baby any more or anybetter than I did. For some reason, this is part of His plan for me so I am trying to handle it with As much dignity as possible. My childen and my faith has helped me get through this. We plan to have another baby and have been given the OK to try again. I am also prepared that this could happen again. The next pregnancy will be different because I will not be niave to the possibilities . I am just going to try to have faith in Gods plan for me. So far, I have been blessed with 3 healthy babies and 1 angel baby.
I wish I would have known about heavens gate. It might have changed the decision I made so I think it's great you are passing that along to others. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family as you deal with the loss of your baby. I hope you are doing better but take your time to feel it.

My dear girl yes... it will get better and I agree, at the time, it is a VERY traumatizing experience.

My first miscarriage was in 2003 the day before Thanksgiving. My second was in 2007 on Xmas day in the ER, as I was bleeding a lot. I had to have D & Cs for both.

Whether you are able to recover your baby's body or not, there are definitely ways to honor your baby. I have a few listed in my blog, depending on what you enjoy doing that will bring you some peace in this experience.

I am here if you ever want to talk, or brainstorm how you might go about coming up with a way to honor, or anything else.

Peace,
Kristin
http://www.agiftofmiles.com

So sorry to hear more of your suffering! I did not know it, but even with D&C's you can ask the hospital to give you back just your baby's remains (they separate out the other stuff) and you can still have your baby's body. I am learning so much now that I never knew...I would have gone the D&C route a thousand times over if I'd known that! Delivering at home was HORRIBLE and stressful!!!! A dear friend of mine who lost 4 babies had to have 3 of them via D&C and she said the hospital was wonderful & respectful and gave her the baby's remains in a little bag. (Not the prettiest thing they could have done, but she felt SO relieved!) Maybe, little by little, if we spread the word, mommies will get treated like a real, grieving mom when they have to face this terrible trauma. When women are in the hospitals for miscarriage they should be told things and give choices! If they had said to you, "We can give you your baby's remains and a local cemetery will bury them at no cost...Oh! And here is a precious place that makes little coffins at a very reasonable price" you could have had one more thing to help with the healing process. To me, this is very much an issue of respecting women and their feelings. I think we just need to spread the word!

I am not sure how this part is done... but we had to send tissue to pathology as they were concerns of chromosomal abnormalities with us both times. Can they still provide you with remains if you have to do a pathology report? If you know?

My friend told me that they had to test her babies, too, but she told them she wanted to bury them and each time they gave her all the parts in a bag. She said that if you tell them ahead of time, they will return it all to you, and she said they separated everything, did whatever testing they needed to and just gave her baby back to her (with none of the yucky stuff) free of charge. I hope that helps.

I am glad you were able to retrieve your baby. I had a d&c at my doctor's suggestion and we were not given the option of keeping our baby's remains. They mentioned right before the d&c how the hospital does a group memorial or we could have an individual burial and asked what funeral home we wanted. We had no clue and no one mentioned no cost to us. We just assumed it would be such a hassle and being put on the spot with a decision like that right before surgery, my brain couldn't handle thinking of other possibilities.

That's one of my biggest regrets is that I don't have anything to bury. Nothing! I have a follow up w/my doctor this week and I'm scared to hear what she may say. I don't know if she could retrieve anything for us or not.

We have decided to plant a tree. But it would have been nice if we could have our babies remains and been able to bury our baby under our tree.

I am so sorry for your loss and send you strength and love. I had a m/c three weeks ago today and was blindsided. I thought everything was fine I did feel like I had a bladder infection or a kidney stone so i went to the hospital and never once did they say I could be having a m/c went to my doctor a few days later and got the horrible news of the baby not having a heart beat I was 8 weeks and 2 days when I lost our angel baby and he/or she was only measuring at 4 weeks. Mine was a little different circumstances seeing the day after they couldnt find a heartbeat they sent me for another ultra sound at the hospital instead of the dotors office and they found a heartbeat. But I was dramatically traumatized by the experience of a natural miscarriage for my doctor did not tell me what to expect and I was so confused with the results of them telling me they found a heartbeat. And I was unable to retrieve the baby however we could of retrieved the sac and placenta. Instead we had a balloon memorial for our child where me and my fiance wrote a special note to our child and my 4 year old daughter colored a picture and we said a pray adn read our notes and let the balloons go. It really helped me. But like you I could never imagine myself being sexual with my fiance ever again. I joined here and got a lot of support and felt quite alone at home seeing no one understood how i felt. It will get easier you'll never forget. but I promise it will get easier

Dear BrokenKat,

Such a heartbreaking situation. From all I have heard with my friends' experiences, we are in a rare minority of people that got to recover our baby's remains. BUT, I hope that as more and more people consider the families' need for closure that they will help us all with this important part of the process. Whether by D&C or going through it at home, they can still give us all the comfort of burying our babies, if that is what we need! Hard to think that more hospitals and doctors haven't realized this!

You are right...COST was an important fear of ours, too! To find out that most cemeteries charge NOTHING and will even tuck your baby between relatives for you, was a huge relief. There is a charge for the coffins, but that sweet little website (heavensgain.com) makes that VERY affordable...and many churches will even cover THAT cost for you!

I figure that we will use everything we learn through this HORRIBLE experience to help others, so that we can see some kind of blessing come from our own sorrow.

Even if they can't recover anything for you, have you looked into any of the miscarriage jewelry or things like that to help serve as remembrances? That might be a sweet comfort, too? I found one that is special to me at www.myforeverchild.com Somehow it just helps to have things that help validate the baby's existence and help acknowledge our grief, I think. Anyway, we are all different, so some people may prefer trying to forget. I just know what will help me.

I feel such a special connection to you since you have the screen name I was looking for...just shows we share a broken heart right now. You are in my prayers.

Blessings,

Katrina

Dear Melissa,

I can't even imagine the pain of the mixed messages you received! Our experience caught us off guard, but at least there was no shred of hope that toyed with our emotions! I am so sorry for you. Also, after having gone through the miscarriage naturally at home, most of me thinks I would have preferred the D&C route...although we did to get recover our baby in a way that I never could have imagined. I just did not understand that i had to go through actual brutal labor! I am guessing that is what you are referring to as well? I bet that is why most doctors push people into a D&C? I think the best thing would be if they would THOROUGHLY explain the options and tell people what to expect with each route...AND give people the option to get their baby's remains if they so desire. We are all so very different and what might be essential to one family might be unbearable to another.

It sounds like you found a precious & individual way to honor your baby's life! That will be so important in your healing process! Thank you for the encouraging words. I know God will heal things and help me to think with more HOPE and less FEAR. My husband is so very loving and tender and I hope to treat him with more grace as time goes on.

Blessings to you!