Miscarriage Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.

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need understanding

htag
htag
I am truly happy for anyone who is pregnant weather it be one of my close friends, or a co worker (in my case BOTH). Everyone is entitled to their moment of happiness, joy, ooohing, and aaaahhhing. Even when their child is born, they deserve their happiness and moments in the spot light. Despite any jealousy, or envy of their situation, I'd hope for the same treatment when and if I were blessed to be pregnant again.

BUT!

I have a friend who's become upset about all the baby talk happening around her daily at work and it got me thinking. People who have a child have a lifetime of happiness that they can rave about forever! Why is it that people are so quick to turn a deaf ear on OUR forever hurting hearts?! It's OK to feel your moment of glory when you have kids, but let us have our moment of hurt and heeling. Don't tell us to just move on and get over it! It's not anything that anyone will forget! Just be more considerate of the "constant" talk directly around someone who's been through this loss; especially if we're still on the mend! My co worker spent the WHOLE DAY talking about names for her baby in front of me. My Friend on this site has to endure a baby pool in her office! I just wish that people would take our saddness witht the same happiness they allow expecting or new parents.
Thanks for listening.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I hear ya!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am dreading the holidays for that very reason. I m/c the day after christmas last year. I know that my family remembers the m/c but they don't ever talk to me about it and probably won't give it a second thought...at least not verbally. They might think of me, but don't realize that some of the things they talk about upset me. It's like they feel that I should have already moved on b/c they have. They talk about their kids (which I LOVE my neice and nephews) and all the xmas gifts they have yet to buy. BUT this was to be my first Christmas with MY family....I was to be buying little outfits, toys and books for MY little one. I totally understand the whole lack compassion....I get the same stuff at work. It makes me feel like a big baby when I cry about losing my child...it makes me feel like I am going nuts that I can't shake this emptiness, saddness and pain. Don't know if this really helped you other than to know that you are not the minority with how you are feeling.
Jen2279
Jen2279
Thank you! Well put. I agree with what you said. Of course he's going to be happy about his baby, and people should do stuff for him. I just wish people weren't so quick to forget about what happened to me. Maybe a "how are you doing?" every once in awhile, and mean it. Or to just take a little care around people that have had a loss. Again, well put.
deleted_user
deleted_user
From the day after I had my son I had people say "be thankful you have other kids." Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful but when you lose a child it hurts. My heart feels like I have a big hole in it. I've just really felt depressed lately. Everyone I know has just either given birth to a little boy or is having a little boy. I get so mad because I had to go through labor to see I was having a boy. They get to take their babies home from the hospital. I had to have the funeral home come and pick up mine.

I'm sorry..I don't mean to rant. I am NOT in the holiday spirit.
htag
htag
That's ok "erinot", That's part of the reason that I posted this! It's the time of season for families to be unreasonable with the "when are you, and why aren't you(s)". I find it very difficult to cope because of the amount of deaf ears that fall upon my own pain. Jen is right, At least ASK how I'm doing once in awhile. It's obvious from a lot of these posts that people don't move on ONLY after a month or years even.!
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's pretty insane the stuff people say to you, huh? Like "You're still young!" (actually, I'm 35!) to "God knows what he's doing" (um, so god killed my baby?!).

A few months ago, my cousin's wife who was 7 months pregnant (and I was supposed to be, too) said "Oh, I wish I had your waist!"

"I don't." I replied to her horror. Heh, I felt bad for making her feel bad... but still!
deleted_user
deleted_user
My borther-in-law and sister-in-law avoided my husband and I because they had kids. They thought we were going to be mean and ugly. It took me months to convince them that we were going to be okay, and that I enjoyed being with them. I have no reason in this world to hurt another because of what happened to us.
And if one more person had told me "It happens for a reason" I was going to scream!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Good point!
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are all right! There is a huge need for greater understanding.

Unfortunately, that understanding will never happen if we don't speak up. I have learned that I have to ask for what I need. Yes, this does feel like an additional burden. If it's a relationship that is a constant in your life, it may be worth it to get the issue out into the open.

I have had to do this with both my husband and best friend. They were both responsive and have been more supportive since then.

That said, I am frequently silent around people who didn't even know I was pregnant and don't know about the loss. They often ask if we're still trying.

There's no perfect way to deal with it. I guess we all just do the best we can to deal with it on any given day.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I feel the same way...
Its not that I'm not happy for our friends who are still pregnant (and due 2 weeks before we would have been) but we were with them tonight, and I handled being around her bulging belly just fine until her family was talking about her pregnancy and giving no recognition of our loss. They all know about our loss and I don't think they weren't trying to be cruel. Its like there is no happy medium. People are either accusing me of being sad when I'm not, or making me sad without thinking they are. I wish I had known how common it is before I'd gotten pregnant. I knew it happened, but I wasn't aware of how common it is. Plain and simple, if it hasn't happend to them, they don't really understand. They may empathize that its a terribly painful experience but thats it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with all of you! I couldn't even work up the nerve to drive 12 hrs this year for the family thanksgiving b/c i knew that it would be all about my nieces and nephews and my mom would once again discount Caitlin (my angel) or yell at me "because the kids don't need to know Aunt Tina was pg" if I said anything or got upset.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I totally agree. I started a new position in my company and I sit near 3 young ladies (around my age or younger)who all have 2 - 3 kids. All day long it's all they talk about. Especially with the holidays fastly approaching they exchange stories of what they are getting their kids and where they are going shopping. I just want to scream.

I hate my new position and it literally makes me sick to go to work. Yesterday I was talking to someone and we were complaining how our department was the only department not allowed to leave early. She says jokingly oh I feel nausous. I said yea I feel it every morning when I get out of bed and have to come here. She gives me this big smile and I said nooooo. I hate this place and it makes me sick.

Then very stern I said "I had a m/c a month ago"

Her comment was oh i'm sorry. You're young and it'll happen again.

I bit my lip so hard because I wanted to say to her Really?? Are you a doctor? and what if it doesnt? what if I have a problem? what if it takes months for it to happen again?

I've been fortunate to have a lot of good days but when a bad day creaps up on me it takes all my strength to not want to scream and just hide.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I totally agree!!!
htag
htag
Oh that's one of my personal favorites, "it'll happen again"! If it doesn't, are these people STILL going to give a rat's behind about our loss?! The deaf ear syndrome strikes again! I think that's the worst comment a person can make to someone. I've been fighting for YEARS to have a baby! I finally get pregnant, m/c, and CONTINUE to fight to have a baby!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I totally agree 100%! Why is it so easy for some people to forget or ignore us who's still TTC especially after having a m/c or stillbirth?

For those who never been in our shoes:

I wish there was a mandatory refresher course for people in the workforce and the whole community to take to teach what to say/do and what not to say/do when you are around people like us who still TTC.

We feel totally left out, hurt, and misunderstood during work, parties, etc.

I just wish some people would think before they act/say anything, but that's not always the case.

Thank you for your post htag. You definitely got a point there.