People will ask those questions alllll the time, it doesn't matter if you're married, single (when are you going to get married and have kids), or engaged. Simply tell them, when the time is right my hubby and I will decide...or bascially tell them anything you want to. Be like, whoa, we're not even married yet, we want to have a long newlywed period before we have children. I know it's really tough, but just give them what they want to hear...and make it simple so they won't continue to bug you!

Many people aren't capable of responding when you tell them you've had a loss. They usually just ask you for conversation and don't think about the consequences of their questions. I usually don't mention our loss, unless it's a close friend. Up to you, but in my opinion, it makes for a short convo if you just tell them when the time is right...if you tell them about your loss it usually leads to more and more questions--or considerable awkwardness. *hugs*

I got married last year. The standard question "so are you nervous?" on the lead-up to the big day drove me INSANE ! Almost as insane as the so-hows-married-life-treating-ya and when-are-you-going-to-start-a-family type of post-wedding questions. Although the person asking the question was/is always well-meaning, it becomes rather tiresome, and now I answer by saying "I get asked that ALOT". The interrogation stops when I say that. business.

This year will mark 4 years of marriage for us. People have been asking us constantly when we're going to have a baby. Even after miscarrying our first baby my Dad calls and says "hurry up I want a grandbaby". To me it was like a slap in face, but I knew he ment well. People aren't going to stop asking no matter how much we wish they would. When I get bombarded with these types of questions I just try to either change the subject or come up with some short answer like "it will happen when the time is right". Just hang in there honey.

Hi,
I've been married since july and had two miscarriages in that time.

People are constantly asking me when I'm having a baby, three of my cousins have had babies recently and that seems to be up-ing the number of "so when are you having kids?" type questions.
Or even worse (I feel) the question of "don't you want to have kids then"?
As if because I haven't been able to have a child means I don't want to!!
Shit you have to laugh at some of the more idiotic questions, and learn from them, don't ever ask anyone, not even a gay man/woman this kind of thing, it's totally insensitive and utterly inappropriate no matter how common the question is.

It isn't easy listening to ignorant people making baby jokes, especially when they are directed at me,
and it isn't easy seeing others with their newborns when my first child would have been due in three weeks time.

I do tell a lot of people that we're only newlywed and that there's more to life than setting up a breeding program.

I might tell them that we aren't thinking about having children just yet.

I might even tell them in response to a stupid normal question about my sexual habbits and my husband's potency and my ovulation timetable (after all there's a lot more to that "when are you having a baby" question than seems on the surface),
"oh, I hadn't realised there was a rush on to get a baby, I'll have to tell my husband, perhaps we'll swing by walmart and pick one up tonight".

For me, it's NONE of THEIR GODdamnED BUSINESS!!!
I really find it very rude that people ask if I'm having a baby yet,
I don't ask them if they're having regular sexual intercourse with a person of the opposite sex, I don't ask them if their reproductive organs are in good working order, or if they have any other conditions which may limit their breeding ability...
...Christ, they just don't get how much is between the lines of the
"you'll be having a baby soon" presumption or statement.

Presumptious people usually don't know any better.

These questions they are asking you are all too normal,
and they aren't directed at your wounds, although we both know that's what they hit at.

Just think about something as inappropriate to ask them,
such as
"so, how is your husband's scrotum, still lookig like a spare bit of elbow skin then?"
or
"How is your menstrual cycle?"
or
"So are you going to gain/loose some weight then?"
"You'll be old and dying soon"

BUT for the love of God, don't say them out loud,
just keep them in your mind to realise how utterly ignorant some people are and rise above it to know that you wouldn't want to know about their sex life,
so why tell them about yours.

Just nod and agree, like you would in a country where you don't understand the language, say "Yes, yes, that's right what else is there to do once I'm married" and pretend you thought they were asking if you're going to make dinner tonight or even better didn't hear their stupid bastard voices in the first place.



I'm venting I know, but really, come on, so many people go through this hell, are we really the only ones that know better than to enquire in a round about way as to the frequency of other peoples sexaul actions.

Christ I'm having a bottle of wine tonight...
...should celebrate that my blood levels are back up to alive and I don't need a transplant after all.


XXXX

I do hair and I get bombarded with the same questions everyday, before I got married it was how's the wedding planning times 8 times a day or more! Now it's about kids and I just lost my first two weeks ago, I have to say if I where you I would just keep it short and sweet.

You have to give people a little grace you may be the person asking the "stupid" question to someone someday and it may be hurtful when you where just making small talk.

I would only take the time to tell people who you really care about the whole story. Sometimes it can be a bit of a relief to yourself to not go into it everytime someone asks. I love the days I can see people that didn't know I was pregnant and just be normal for a little bit ya know?

People just want to see you happy in the end, I think a quick answer like we're ironing out the details on that one.. will work and move the conversation somewhere else

I'm sorry for your loss and glad that things are getting better with time.
I told everyone I had had a miscarriage. I sort of had to as I was 20 weeks and it had been a bit obvious that I was pregnant but I think I would have done so anyway. There were still a few questions - three or four times I was asked about the baby by people who didn't see me regularly but once people knew they were very careful about what they asked (I think I'm lucky with my friends!). However there are always people who make you feel bad, however unintentionally. When someone I don't particularly like asked me if I was pregnant (after I'd just eaten a huge curry and was washing it down with a pint of water!) I told her that the last one had died, I could be barren and it wasn't any of her business. All true as far as I'm concerned and seemed to do the job of shutting her up! I tried to be nicer about it with people I like more but am still surprised by people who think it's an acceptable thing to ask about. Especially that it's the sort of people who wouldn't dream of asking you about your sex life, yet that's definitely what they're asking. You could just say that you're having lots of sex and enjoying the process. Difficulty is that, after a miscarriage you can be really put off trying, especially if it hit you really hard or if a doctor advised you to wait for test results or whatever. This is really personal and people just shouldn't ask.

It took me over a year to get pregnant again. I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis and had it treated in that time after which it only took 2 months which was a massive relief. But in that time I did feel that people were watching and waiting - sympathetically, but nonetheless it wasn't a nice feeling. I don't think there's anything you can do about that though.

I think the general public need to be educated! They shouldn't call you "mummy" just because you're pregnant or call your embryo or foetus "baby" - they're not going to want to look at your "baby" photos if you have a miscarriage (trust me on this one!). 1 in 8 couples have difficulty conceiving and 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage and I remind people of that. Often, if you mention it, it turns out that the other person has some experience of miscarriage too. I hate it that people talk like it's all easy for everyone and just exciting, never stressful. If someone asks me a personal question, I'm quite likely to give them a truthful answer.

You could always lie and say that you'd love kids but can't have them and would prefer never to discuss it again. That would surely shut anyone up then when you do (and I believe you will!) they can be pleasantly surprised. I'm not a natural liar though and tend to blush and stuff!

If your fiance is not OK with discussing it then you should talk to him. If he's feeling really strong he can help you here by talking to your friends on your behalf. If a serious request for it to not be mentioned comes from him, that may help. When we got pregnant again, we didn't want to tell anyone but people obviously guess. I asked my husband to tell people that we didn't mind them knowing but really didn't want to talk about it. Pretty impressive 100% compliance with this request occurred but I am definitely lucky with my friends and work colleagues (and husband!) :)

It's so hard and horrible - I feel for you.
Good luck with the wedding - enjoy the day! (If you're going to tell people, do it before the wedding day itself and hopefully that will forestall any stupid questions on your big day). Oh, and a lot can happen in 7 months so it may be that you have a different secret to keep by then. Fingers crossed.

Sorry for such a long post - must just love the sound of my own voice (or whatever the on-line equivalent of this is!) :)
Wanted to add though that I now get asked "is it your first?" all the time. Have given up on the "2nd pregnancy, first baby - fingers crossed" response and just say "yes". Sometimes it's just worth it for a quiet life (and I can't be on my soap box the whole time!)
Ax

Abi is a girl after my own heart,
I get asked if I'm irish all the time, having never been to ireland and having no connection to the place I've given up on explaining where I'm from as being 1000miles away from Ireland and just say "yees" before the whole answer is over...
...sometimes it's good to stop giving a shit about what other people think they know.

Thank you all for your resposnes. They have been so helpful. Hugs to you all :0)