Miscarriage Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.

1,034 Members
12,899 Posts
0 Online
Women's Health
/ Miscarriage Support Group

I'm allowed to be upset, right?

Marie681
Marie681
I feel like I've posted so many times already but this week has been really, really difficult. I hope everyone doesn't mind. I need to vent.

During the past couple days I had two people tell me they don't think I should be so upset.
The first person told me at least I have one child already because not everyone gets even that. However, having my one angel makes me want more. Also, she said it wasn't like her miscarriage where she had seen an actual heartbeat and then things went wrong after that. I haven't been on birth control since June of 2009 and actively trying since January with month after month of negative pregnancy tests and visits from AF. It breaks my heart to know I got what I prayed so hard for only to have it go so wrong.

The next person told me they do not understand why I am still so affected by this miscarriage. One of her friends miscarried at 5 months and had to go through the process of burying him. Also, she had to have a full hysterectomy. She says her other friend is completely fine and rubs my friends newly pregnant belly all the time. She said I didn't even have a baby just an empty sac so I should not be upset. I was 5 weeks along when the baby stopped developing and continued to carry it for 4 more weeks. I've been through I have been in pain pretty much everyday since July 23 most likely due to the infection I developed. I still hurt 24/7 to this day even after a really strong course of antibiotics.

I am allowed to be upset- for my loss, for my pain, and for all the insensitive people around me. I should be almost 16 weeks right now and about to find out the sex of my baby in 4 weeks but instead I am going back and forth to the drs so they can try and fix me yet again. I'm allowed to be angry and upset.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's your loss, not their loss. When I lost my baby, the nurse said it's very important to grieve over your loss. You have every right and reason to grieve and be sad. You wanted this baby, your plans and dreams for this baby were taken from you when you miscarried and if that's not reason enough to be sad, then I don't know what is. I have another child too, and I very much wanted to give her a sibling. Now that I lost this baby, I feel like it's my daughter's loss too, not just mine and my husband's. Don't let others influence the way they think you should think and feel. Your feelings are not their feelings and your pain is not theirs.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sweetie, u have every right to grieve. Do Not let anyone else tell you how you should feel. My first miscarriage I had an irregular shaped sac with fragments inside, My second I had an empty sac with a yolk sac and not fetal pole.It hurt just as if I had seen a baby with a heartbeat. Not a day goes by I do not think of my babies. I believe with my whole heart that life begins at conception. I believe that your loss is just as valid as anyone else's. Your dreams were lost you were in a complete happy state planning your future with a new baby in it and all the sudden it was gone. U let yourself grieve and tell the rest they don't know what they are talking about and if they can't be sensitive to your needs then maybe u might not need to be around them. I'm so sorry
Marie681
Marie681
Thank you so very, very much everyone. I can never truly express how glad I am I found this website at a time when no one except my husband and immediate family seem to understand. I cannot help but cry but for once in this past week the tears are of joy. It is so very comforting to know other people understand. Thank you all so much. It means so much more than I can tell you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so glad u found this site and are getting the support u need
deleted_user
deleted_user
I recently miscarried our 5th child at 7 weeks. The two most painful comments I've heard have been, "Be thankful for the 4 children you already have" (like I suddenly STOPPED being thankful for them when I got pregnant with our 5th or when I miscarried her?) The second comment has related to people telling me of other people they know who miscarried further along in their pregnancies than I did. I say to them, "I was already holding that precious baby in my arms even before we conceived her, that's how much I wanted her." Marie, you grieve as long as and in whatever manner you need to. I'm praying for you, as I ask for your prayers, too. Christy
deleted_user
deleted_user
of course you are allowed to be upset. me and my husband have an 8 year old son and we have been trying for another baby since he was born, with no luck, untill, august 2010, i found out i was pregnant and in september at our first appt i was told i had lost the baby, my whole world just came crumbling down around me. your friends should not be so insensitive, i am with you i will never forget the baby that should of been my edd would of been 10th may 2011. that doesnt make us weird it means we wanted it so much then when we finally get it gets ripped away from us, we cant just forget it. x x x x lots of hugs x x x x
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with everybody else that has commented, a loss is a loss! I had my second mc at 16.5 weeks. It has been the hardest thing I have dealt with in awhile. July 3 was the day my baby grew wings, in July fourth my whole family expected me to be at the cook out they were having?! Are you kidding me!! My family has been the most unsupportive people. Hang in their it's allot tougher when it's family than friends! You grieve as much as you want too!! For me it's been one day at a time! Miss you Sahara Hope!! God bless
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are absolutely allowed to be upset. People who have never had this happen do not know what it feels like. A loss is a loss is a loss. You take care of you and only you. Don't give them a right to tell you how you should feel.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You have every right to be upset and grieve your loss. When I miscarried my dad told me that I had no right to be sad because I hadnt got to see my baby or hear its heartbeat and it made me very angry because even though I never got to do those things I still Loved my Babies with all my heart from the moment I even suspected I was pregnant and they are still my children even though I never got the chance to meet them.... You lost a child that you loved and in a way lost a prt of yourself and no one should ever tell you how to feel about that or how you should be handling it because your not those people and you need to heal in your own way. Im so sorry for your loss and for the insensitive people around you.
k9mommy
k9mommy
Of course you have a right to be upset! From the moment we get a positive pregnancy test result, we feel love. It doesn't matter if you have twenty children or none, you will always remember those that you lost. There is an empty place in your heart forever. You have suffered a loss.

I too would be about 16 weeks along if things had gone differently. I can't forget that in just another month I would be finding out the sex of the baby I lost. There are so many "I would have . . . " moments. It's a heartbreaking time.

Allow yourself to grieve. Feel free to vent whenever you need to!
We're all here to listen, and we've all been there!
Marie681
Marie681
I am amazed this subject continues to relate with so many people two weeks later. I'm further along in my grief now but starting to realize my biggest stumbling block to getting better is some people I used to call friend. I'm taking steps to distance myself from this person because this is the only way I will heal. They still don't understand why I'm still grieving even though they themselves are pregnant. They make it seem like my loss is ruining their good news. Everything she says sounds so inappropriate besides asking me why I'm not over it yet.

She's asked if she could buy my daughters crib since I won't need it now. She's told me, "Do you want to jump on my stomach so I'll miscarry, too? It won't bring your baby back."

How can I not hurt after words like those? How can I heal if I keep hearing such things? I am moving on and avoiding her at all costs. Each day without interaction is better and brighter. If someone refuses to acknowledge your grief they are not truly your friend.