Miscarriage Support Group

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Babyshower..Advice please!

sam23
sam23
I have a babyshower coming up on the 25th. It's a coed shower and I've decided not to go. I'm sending my gift with my fiance who will be going, since its his friend who is having the baby. I debated back and forth about whether or not I should go. I'm at peace with my decision for the most part. There will be babies there and several pregnant women, one who is due on the same day I was suppose to, and I know I wont be able to handle it emotionally. The probelm is several people have been telling me they think its a bad idea not to go. They think I need to go and be supportive. One friend told me that I cant avoid stuff like this and doing so doesnt make sense. I dont want people to not support me when I'm pregnant, because I didnt go to this shower, but I think sending a gift and card is a good way to let everyone know I am supportive despite my absence. My fiance says he's ok with me not going, but that he really would like for me to accompany him. I just need to know if you guys think I've made the right choice. Any thoughts??
deleted_user
deleted_user
If you don't feel comfortable with going, don't go. You'll only end up upset. Sending a gift or card is fine cause it shows that you're still thinking of the couple even though you are not there. Do what's best for you and put yourself first!
deleted_user
deleted_user
People who have never been in our shoes cannot even begin to understand what we've gone through. I think that sending a gift with your fiancee is a nice gesture and true friends would understand (if not understand, then just accept) that right now it's not something you're ready to do. Stay strong, and put yourself first, do what you feel is right.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I really think that you should not go if you are afraid of becoming upset. I think that would be worse than not going. I think that sending a gift and card as well as you DF going should let them know that you are supportive.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's quite fine not to go. People who tell you that you cannot avoid stuff like that project too far into the future. You have to avoid it now that is too painful. In a few months or a year it may not be so painful. Besides you'll see once you have your own baby shower that some people will come and some will not for more trivial reasons that you now have (like a cold or they had to work or something). Do what you feel best and have no regrets.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I went through the same thing. A couple weeks after I had my miscarriage, I got an invitation to a baby shower. I ended up sending the present with a family friend, but couldn't handle going. I completely understand. I don't think your friend must have ever been through something like this or she wouldn't be pushing you to go. It's like a knife in your heart to be surrounded by happy pregnant people while all you can think abou is your loss. I think you made the right decision. I made the same decision and have never thought twice about it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If you are not ready then you are not ready and the bottom line is, you should not feel pressured into doing something you're not ready to do simply because someone else thinks you should. You are showing your support and thoughts through the gift and card and that is what counts. If these people truly care about you they will feel your love through that and they will not try to make you feel guilty because you chose to care for yourself. You need to now!
sam23
sam23
Thanks everyone for the support & advice. It means so much,
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think that sending a card and a gift with your fiance is more than acceptable. If a lot of people are expressing that they don't understand your decision, perhaps calling the expectant mother personally before of after the shower and telling her congratulations- but you are mourning the loss of your baby right now and just physically cannot be there emotionally. If she is a true friend, she will more than understand.

I think that it is hard for others who have not been through what we have to understand and empathize with the things we feel. I don't think that real friends would really hold it against you if you had a baby later on down the road for not going to this one shower. I think that being honest and as open as you can with people is the best route to go. Explain how you are feeling and that you need to do what's best for you right now- and that's the end of it.

(((big hugs))) Hang in there, it took me a year and a half before I was able to attend a baby shower afterwards.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think that if you were having the baby shower and one of your guests declined b/c of a past miscarriage, you would be totally supportive. They should be too. A card and gift are just fine. I think it's a good decision on your part. You have to put yourself first.
duane
duane
I agree with your decision. You are sending your thoughts and support by sending a card and gift. People will understand.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If you feel it's the right choice then it is. I did the same thing. There were three baby showers that I just sent gifts to along with friends. I knew deep down I couldn't handle it and I didn't want to take the joy and attention away from the mother to be and the joyous event. One of the showers was for a co-worker/friend who was about a week farther than what I was......so hers was particularly hard to take. Go with your gutt feeling here hon. If you have even a slight chance of feeling uncomfortable or upset, do not put yourself through that. You are showing support by sending a gift or card, you do not have to physically be there to show that you are happy for them and wish them luck. The people giving you advice saying it's a bad idea to miss it more than likely never went through a misscarriage and are from the "get over it" crowd. Until someone walks in those shoes they do not know. So go with your gutt hon, and do not worry about what others think.
deleted_user
deleted_user
while it is true that you can't "avoid" babies and pregnant woman (for example when I was at teh ER for my miscarriage, there were TWO babies right in front of me!) You CAN avoid putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. Since you aren't directly friends with this person, I think it is just fine that you aren't going (even if you did know the person it is fine too!) Sending a gift/card is a fine idea and if anyone has anything to say, then PHOOHY ON THEM!
sam23
sam23
Thanks all!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think you've made the right decision, and everyone around you should accept that. We don't realy have babyshowers in the UK so I'm lucky I guess that I don't have this problem to face, but I know that its not something I could handle.

Take Care, and do not listen to the people that think you should go, as these are probably women that have never had a miscarriage???