Oh and I also wanted to say, just because I've lost my baby, or dont have an infant doesnt mean I'm not a valuable friend anymore. Plus I feel like I am a mommy too in some ways. My baby just went to heaven a little early.

I thought this might help:

To Those Who Look Away

To those who look away

when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department,
look a little deeper.

Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those who change the subject

when I speak my sons' names,
change your way of thinking.

It just might change your whole life.

To those who roll their eyes

and say that we barely had them at all,

how could we miss them so much,

in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times.

We have seen their first steps, first day of school,

their weddings, and their children.

We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another,

we did. I thank God for her everyday,
but even if I have twenty more babies,

I will forever have two in the grave,
and that is two too many.

To those who say to get on with my life,

I have. It is a different life,

The life of a grieving mother.

One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us:

we have shaped more than just the future generation.

We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to US

,and you just might see THEM.


~~~ Author Unknown ~~~

Here is one more:

Could You Please Just Listen?

Could you please just listen?

My baby has died. Please don't tell me you know how I feel .
You don't. You can't. I hope you never do. Don't tell me that
she's with God and I should be happy. How can I be happy
when every time I go to her nursery all I see is an empty crib
and toys that will never be played with? How can I be happy
when my arms ache to hold her?

Please don't tell me God needed another angel. It's hard for
me to understand why God would take away this little one
who was so loved. Maybe I will understand later. But for
right now...let God find another angel. Please, please,
please don't tell me I'll have other children. Maybe I will...
but my daughter was not a puppy that ran away...
she can't be replaced.

Maybe you could just listen when I remember out loud
all the things we did together...the walks, the early
morning feedings, the first time she rolled over.
Maybe you could just sit with me while
I cry over all the things we'll never do together.

Please don't tell me it could be worse. How?

I really don't want to hear about your grandfather's death.
It's not the same. Don't think my pain will be eased by
comparison. Of course I'm glad that she didn't suffer,
but I'd be a lot happier if she hadn't died at all.

I know it must be hard for you, but would you mind looking
at her picture just one more time, we don't have many of her
and I'm just a little bit afraid that I may forget what she
looked like. She wasn't here that long you know.

Could you please just listen?

Don't tell me I'll get over it. There is no "over it", only
through it. Maybe you could just be with me while
I take my first steps through it. Please don't tell me I
should be glad she was just a baby, or that at least I
didn't get to know her. I knew her before I saw her.
She was a part of me. And now she's gone. I haven't
just lost a four-month old baby. I lost a part of myself.

I know you mean well, but please don't expect me to
tell you how to help me. I'd tell you if I knew, but right
now I can hardly put one foot in front of the other.
Maybe if you looked around, you could find some
things to do, like taking my dog for a walk, or doing
the dishes, or making some coffee.

PLEASE DON'T TRY TO REMOVE MY PAIN
OR DISTRACT ME FROM IT. I HAVE TO FEEL
THIS WAY FOR NOW.

By Debbie Gemmill

Yes, I have a pregnant friend who has kept her distance since I lost my baby. I think in her case, she feels bad and doesn't know what to say. She went through years of IF and wound up pregnant with donor eggs just after I got pregnant... I think in her case, while she was struggling with the infertility and trying to get pregnant, it was so painful to be around pregnant people that she avoided them. Now I think she's trying to give me distance for the same reason. And to be honest, it is hard for me to be with pregnant people (it seems like there are so many). I have another friend who is due the week before me... it was an unplanned pregnancy (she already has 3 children) and she has complained throughout this entire pregnancy. It's like she has forgotten I ever was pregnant... that hurts too. Still, I can understand what you're saying... you are a mommy and it sounds like a great friend to many and it must be really tough to feel "shut out" of a club you want to join so badly. Hang in there :)

I had a coworker whose wife was due the same week I was. I didn't even know they were pregnant until like 3 months after my m/c. He wouldn't tell me and had actually told others not to tell me. I know sometimes it seems like they are trying to help, but it just hurts that we are excluded.

I think there's a fine line between someone that is being sensitive to your feelings and someone who is trying to protect themself because they feel uncomfortable. Although most people don't know about my mc's, the loss of our son Hayden was a very public event in our small town. A year and a half later people still act differently toward me. In there eyes, we will always be that family who lost a child. The looks and feeling like you stand out goes away over time but I remember it bothering me a lot at first. It's the small stuff you talk about out that just makes you feel left out on what's going on. I think of it this way, before all our losses, how did I react to someone I knew who lost a child? I'm sure there were times where I said/did things that I would never now because I know better. For me, it helps me to remember unless they have walked in our shoes, they can't truely understand. I feel like it's my job to educate people about the experience and let them know it's ok to talk about things that may be sensitive. If I cry or feel upset, it's not because of them! I probably needed a good cry anyway! :) Through this process you learn to forgive people for the way they act towards you and don't be afraid to share your feelings in a honest way. It's the only way we can help them understand a situation they can only imagine.... Good luck!

I have the same thing happening to me. I lost our baby on Thursday and my sister in law found out the sex of her baby Friday, but she didn't want to tell us. The poems listed above are so accurate! Don't exclude us it only makes it worse. Don't try to say the normal things we know this, but right now none of those things make it better.

I can say that I am (or have been) on both ends of the spectrum. I have lost two babies this year and it was so incredibly difficult for me to be happy for anyone that was pregnant or just had a baby. I felt robbed of that myself. I was angry, sad, hurt...not necessarily at the mother/parents of the baby, but at a higher being, at life itself. Only a few people know I lost two, most only know of my first loss. Those that know I lost two just did not know what to say to me. To me, it seems that they felt bad because they knew that no matter what they said, it would not take away my pain. So in a way, they seemed somewhat distant. I was surrounded by babies when I went to visit my cousin this past August. One of her SIL gave birth while I was there. My cousin knew of my pain and when they went to see the baby, I wasn't asked if I wanted to go, and frankly, I was thankful of that. I guess there are those of us that would rather not be around pregnant women or new babies because of the pain it brings. Then, there are some of us who feel left out when others seem to be distant. I think it depends on the person you are dealing with - some may really be leaving you out while others are just trying to respect your grieving. I feel that my cousin was trying to respect my grieving.

I am also on the other side: I am currently pregnant. Because it was so hard for me to feel happy for those that were pregnant when I had just lost my babies, I feel that it would be hard for women still grieving to be happy for me now that I am pregnant again. I guess I'm stereotyping and it's wrong for me to do that, but it's exactly how I felt when I had lost my babies and wasn't pg and I really don't know any other way of feeling.

AngeGirl2007: those poems are absolutely beautiful and brought tears to my eyes.

Last week I went to spend the day with a friend from nursing school. She has a 2yo son (so adorable) whom I spent most of the day with. In the evening we went & got pedis & went to dinner, just the 2 of us. We talked about a lot but a lot was centered about Brian. I enjoyed the conversation. She suddenly looked blushed & looked at me & apologized for monopolizing the conversation about Brian with everything I have been going thru. I told her, for me, it is really good to talk about, play with, & see her baby. It keeps me focused on what is important. While so many don't like to talk to me about their babies it was nice to have someone who would. I try to just tell my friends how much I can tolerate & how much I can't. I think I would rather have someone be more sensitive to my feelings then not at all. Let your friends know that you need them & still want to be there for them. And, you are a mommy...a mommy to a very special angel!!! Luv ya!!

Thank you all so much for your responses. It has touched my heart and been a comfort to me. And AngeGirl2007, the poems were so lovely (: You girls are the best!

i haven't read all the replies so I am not sure if I will be repeating what has already been said or not...if I do I am sorry.

...I have had 3 miscarriages, and know how you feel. However I think you need to give your friends more credit. Before I miscarried the first time my sister in law lost their first baby. I was also pregnant at the time (not knowing I too would go through the same thing). I didn't avoid her because I thought she had some "germ" that could infect me, but I felt so guilty that I (thought) I had a healthy baby growing in me and she didn't anymore. I felt bad that I still was pregnant. I didn't feel worthy. So I think if people are avoiding you or the topic it is because they don't know what you are going through and don't want to upset you or feel that they are rubbing their babies in your face. I am sure if you openly spoke to your friends about not avoiding the topic things would be back on track straight away. They are just trying to protect you that is all. well that's what I believe anyways.