Miscarriage Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.
I posted this as a journal entry but I wanted to put it here as well to make sure that it can reach as many as possible.
As I have shared with a couple of you privately...I wanted to share this publicly as well.
I thought it might be an inspiration to some to hear that sometimes humanity will surprise us :) even in dark times when so many have let us down.
We have had 2 pregnancy losses within the last 6 months.
We recently returned from vacation...a vacation that was so healing for me...at least for the time being. Not healED for sure...but vacation gave me space and relaxation and enjoyment and there were no frantic Internet searches for my latest TTC concern.....there were no difficult interpersonal situations to deal with.
I was nervous about how I would fare on vacation. Without DS. Without the Internet and all the things I like to research. Without time to myself to grieve.
I surprised myself and ended up being just fine...in fact more than fine. I felt good for the first time in a long time.
I just lived. And I had some wine. And I had some unpasteurized cheese and I went on the Scrambler at the amusement park. All during my 2WW.
Unfortunately I did not come home to a BFP as I had hoped...but I feel like during that vacation I was living for the first time in a long time.
But that is not the focus of what I wanted to say here. Part of what I want to say is that I turned 40 while on vacation. And this has been a sore point for me emotionally for a while, especially since the miscarriages.
Especially because had the October pregnancy gone well, I would be 8 months pregnant. Especially because had the April pregnancy gone well, I would be nearing the end of my first trimester and we would be announcing to family at my birthday party this weekend that I am pregnant.
So I have dreaded 40 all the more because of the TTC journey and losses.
Being on vacation while turning 40 ended up being a good thing :) On my actual birthday, I swam, I canoed, I went to dinner with a glass of wine. I ate two pieces of cheesecake from the buffet :)
The waitress said is it your birthday? You have this birthday glow about you :) And she brought me out a fancy dessert with the words Happy Birthday spelled out onto the plate with some yummy glaze.
On our drive home from vacation, I realized I would be coming home to Facebook birthday wishes and so I rehearsed in my mind what I would type when I was reunited with the Internet again. Something along the lines of Thank you for the birthday wishes. We had a wonderful vacation.
But I decided to say more. I decided I would call it Gratitude--thank them for the birthday wishes and I would announce on Facebook that as some of you know I have had two pregnancy losses and how difficult it has been. And that I say this out loud on Facebook with the hope that some day miscarriage won't be such a taboo and misunderstood suffering for women. And that I also wanted to share how wonderful our vacation was. And how thankful I am for that.
We came home and I thought about it for another day. The next morning I woke up and felt this was a really bad idea. Risky. What if no one responds? What if someone says something insensitive? Is that really something I want to bring on myself?
But I decided to do it anyway. I felt nervous before I clicked "post" but I did it.
What came about was an outpouring that I never would have imagined of "likes" and posts offering support and words of encouragement. And even one person saying I wish you had told us sooner, we could have prayed for you and supported you.
I also received private messages from others. Sharing their stories of loss. One person offering to get together with me to share with me about her miscarriage and the loss of her son and what has gotten her through difficult times. Another women messaging me that she and her husband had a baby that only lived 4 hours and the book that got her through it. And that she has ordered the book for me and it is on its way.
I was touched. And floored. That people cared. And were not alienated by my sharing.
Even a few males responded. Including one who said that I am a stronger person (sharing what I shared) than he is and that he's sorry to hear of our losses.
I just wanted to share this to show that sometimes good exists when we least expect it. And for every 5 or 10 people who don't understand....there is often at least one who does.
And how good it felt for me to speak the truth of the last 6 grief-stricken months of my life.
That I don't need to live in the shadows of this.
And that it is OK to be me and say what I am feeling.
As I have shared with a couple of you privately...I wanted to share this publicly as well.
I thought it might be an inspiration to some to hear that sometimes humanity will surprise us :) even in dark times when so many have let us down.
We have had 2 pregnancy losses within the last 6 months.
We recently returned from vacation...a vacation that was so healing for me...at least for the time being. Not healED for sure...but vacation gave me space and relaxation and enjoyment and there were no frantic Internet searches for my latest TTC concern.....there were no difficult interpersonal situations to deal with.
I was nervous about how I would fare on vacation. Without DS. Without the Internet and all the things I like to research. Without time to myself to grieve.
I surprised myself and ended up being just fine...in fact more than fine. I felt good for the first time in a long time.
I just lived. And I had some wine. And I had some unpasteurized cheese and I went on the Scrambler at the amusement park. All during my 2WW.
Unfortunately I did not come home to a BFP as I had hoped...but I feel like during that vacation I was living for the first time in a long time.
But that is not the focus of what I wanted to say here. Part of what I want to say is that I turned 40 while on vacation. And this has been a sore point for me emotionally for a while, especially since the miscarriages.
Especially because had the October pregnancy gone well, I would be 8 months pregnant. Especially because had the April pregnancy gone well, I would be nearing the end of my first trimester and we would be announcing to family at my birthday party this weekend that I am pregnant.
So I have dreaded 40 all the more because of the TTC journey and losses.
Being on vacation while turning 40 ended up being a good thing :) On my actual birthday, I swam, I canoed, I went to dinner with a glass of wine. I ate two pieces of cheesecake from the buffet :)
The waitress said is it your birthday? You have this birthday glow about you :) And she brought me out a fancy dessert with the words Happy Birthday spelled out onto the plate with some yummy glaze.
On our drive home from vacation, I realized I would be coming home to Facebook birthday wishes and so I rehearsed in my mind what I would type when I was reunited with the Internet again. Something along the lines of Thank you for the birthday wishes. We had a wonderful vacation.
But I decided to say more. I decided I would call it Gratitude--thank them for the birthday wishes and I would announce on Facebook that as some of you know I have had two pregnancy losses and how difficult it has been. And that I say this out loud on Facebook with the hope that some day miscarriage won't be such a taboo and misunderstood suffering for women. And that I also wanted to share how wonderful our vacation was. And how thankful I am for that.
We came home and I thought about it for another day. The next morning I woke up and felt this was a really bad idea. Risky. What if no one responds? What if someone says something insensitive? Is that really something I want to bring on myself?
But I decided to do it anyway. I felt nervous before I clicked "post" but I did it.
What came about was an outpouring that I never would have imagined of "likes" and posts offering support and words of encouragement. And even one person saying I wish you had told us sooner, we could have prayed for you and supported you.
I also received private messages from others. Sharing their stories of loss. One person offering to get together with me to share with me about her miscarriage and the loss of her son and what has gotten her through difficult times. Another women messaging me that she and her husband had a baby that only lived 4 hours and the book that got her through it. And that she has ordered the book for me and it is on its way.
I was touched. And floored. That people cared. And were not alienated by my sharing.
Even a few males responded. Including one who said that I am a stronger person (sharing what I shared) than he is and that he's sorry to hear of our losses.
I just wanted to share this to show that sometimes good exists when we least expect it. And for every 5 or 10 people who don't understand....there is often at least one who does.
And how good it felt for me to speak the truth of the last 6 grief-stricken months of my life.
That I don't need to live in the shadows of this.
And that it is OK to be me and say what I am feeling.
I'm glad you found support within you FB community. Opening up does take a weight off ones shoulders. Hang in there. I'm older than you, and still working on my dream of giving birth to a live baby.
Thank you so much for taking the time to post this!
Mag, it is incredibly freeing to just be normal and not obsess. My acupuncturist has gotten me on this new track of thinking.
To not feel so hyperresponsible for everything.
Because walking on eggshells did not prevent my miscarriages. It made me feel like oh I'm not doing ENOUGH I need to be even MORE careful. My body is so fragile that I need be even more careful.
But he has helped me to see that I probably don't even need to be so hyper careful in the first place. That some things are not in our control. And that really being relaxed would be beneficial for a pregnancy :)
And being more relaxed during the 2WW helped make the BFN this month a little easier to deal with.
I have strong hope that your dream will come true. I know...from your posts...what a difficult loss you have been through.
AlyLynKel you make such a good point about the stress and hyperfocus make us unable to see anything else and almost forget the initial reasoning. I am sorry that you have had two losses.
I know for me it has been all too easy to forget that there is a world around me with joy around so many corners just waiting for me and that getting pregnant does not have to be my only avenue to happiness.
It is encouraging to hear that getting past the one year mark makes a difference. I am glad to hear that.
My husband's family never talks about this with us so it is incredibly isolating. Two weeks after my first miscarriage was Christmas. I had had laparoscopic surgery and a D&C. And not one person in his family asked me on Christmas Eve how I was doing.
It was the first time they had seen me since the loss.
I have a hard time letting go of my feelings about that even though I know it's not healthy to hold onto such feelings and that I'm only hurting myself.
His family is kind so this is not out of meanspiritedness on their part....they are just apparently oblivious to what this is like for us.
They are uncomfortable in life situations like these (as I have learned) so it seems they practice avoidance and stay focused on cheery, uncomplicated topics.
So we didn't even tell them about the second pregnancy/loss.
So his sister in law found out on Facebook last week and maybe she has told the rest of the family, I'm not sure.
And I came home from vacation to an incredibly insensitive email from my sister in law asking me if I have a Doppler to borrow because her friend wants to listen to her baby's heartbeat because she is 9 weeks pregnant and hasn't gotten an utlrasound yet.
Floored. And I'm having a hard time letting go of that one.
So my journal highlights the positive :) but there have been challenges and that's what made the wonderful vacation so very memorable and what made the kindness on Facebook so unexpectedly supportive.
Such a journey. I saw a Buddhist quote a couple months ago....it says that when we hold onto our anger at someone it is like holding a hot coal in our hand and never throwing it. We are the ones who get hurt.
The message there isn't to throw the coal at the person necessarily :) but that holding onto anger doesn't serve any productive purpose.
So I remind myself of this every day...but it's a challenge.
Many years ago, my graduate school mentor in regards to my emotional overwhelm with my grad work, told me to: "Beware of rehearsing overwhelm. Rather, rehearse insight and focus." So instead of negatively focusing on the overwhelming aspects of TTC, I repeat his phrase over and over every day and "rehearse focus."
To rehearse focus, each day, I work on my goal by doing positive things. I exercise and eat right. I take my supplements and pre-natals. I go to acupuncture, I listen to calming music. I share with others who understand here on DS, and I try to keep an open line of communication with my husband. Any other people/things that distract me from my goal I avoid.
Thanks so much for sharing. I really like your mentor's advice about rehearsing insight and focus. I will be keeping that in mind every day.
I can't thank you enough for that.
It is so easy to replay the bad things that we encounter in our life. But what good it can do our minds (and bodies) if we have a record player (on repeat) of the good things and on our strength...not what has left us feeling defeated.
I am finding that being more connected with nature (going outside a lot more) makes a wonderful difference in my life even when that sabotating voice ("oh it won't matter, stay inside") tries to win out.
Walking barefoot in the grass...on the beach...being more connected with earth can be so grounding and healing.
I smiled when I saw that you too go for acupuncture :) That has been my main therapy for the past 1-1/2 years. He gives me good guidance for my life too.
And music, as you mentioned, is so healing as well.
Thank you for your positive energy that YOU share on this site :) I have seen a number of your posts over the months and the recurring theme of staying focused on your desire and not on the inappropriate actions or words of others.
Thank you :)
~Kelly
Anyway, people keep telling me that I have 2 stepsons who depend on me because their mom is a loser. And I love them as my own, but I want a child of my own with my husband. I have developed so many questions about why God allows certain things and why things happen. I haven't been able to make peace with it at all. I need to find the courage and strength to let go....but I don't know how at this point. Although I think getting away for a day or even a weekend would be great, I am not sure that will take away all of my anxieties and make things "all better" again.
I'm in the middle of making dinner but I so want to respond to what you wrote. I will message you either later tonight or tomorrow when I have time for a more thoughtful response.
Please don't let the positivity in my journal or in others' posts here make it seem like it has been smooth sailing or like it is easy to adopt a positive attitude. This was just one moment in my journey. It has been an incredibly difficult past 6 months.
And that's what makes the positive moments all the more exhilirating. They are few and far between.
And I have my share of days where I am angry and upset. It's such a process.
And I can understand how broken your heart is feeling, especially with the triggering situation of a baby born into the family to a much younger, much less stable couple. And right around your due date.
You are not alone.
Hugs to you,
Kelly
Oh sure I get angry, but I just don't have the time to dwell on it. So over the years I've learned to direct my energy towards positivity. When I get sad and angry, I let myself feel it and then try to focus on the things I am grateful for. I don't focus on the lack. i focus on the abundance in my life. I create a gratitude list and that helps elevate my mood. Wishing you peace.
I come from a very fertile family with few problems in relation to pregnancy. Yet I am the youngest by 10 years and I have the problems. That is a tough pill to swallow. If I have to e special I don't want it to be in this way.
Mag...I have a friend who I met through a local support group that has a similar story. She is 38 and lost her baby last year at 18 weeks. He died in utero of congestive heart failure and the docs don't know why. She, too, has done multiple treatments and tried for years to have a baby and hasn't been able to until the one she lost. She's now back to the drawing board again.