Hi,
Im sorry that those thoughts are in your head. I think everyone that is dealing with a chronic illness (especially pain) have those thoughts. I have those thoughts eveytime i feel how im feeling now. and like you, i think of my family, i think of going to hell. but the thoughts are still there. its obviously depression.

Try to continue to make it only a fantasy. Not a realistic goal =) maybe if your insurance allows it, a neurologist can prescribe you an antidepressant,

also may i ask what treatment have you had?

This has been going on for almost 15 years and thru a lot of treatments that ultimately did not work. Too many to remember quickly. I haven't given up yet, but I'm discouraged.

15 years is a very long time to deal with this. I know you've heard it all literally. My prayers are with you.

I so get you, Danin. I wonder if I wouldn't still be here if if wasn't for my sons.

There is some statistics out there about these thoughts and head pain being the leading cause over all other pains. I've accepted this as a normal part of who I am and a barometer of how bad a 'spell' I'm having. Too much of it and I let my doctor know and press him to look into my antidepressant dosage. It's not like we get high on any of this crap.

Keep your radar out for mental health counselling, even if it is for depression trials.

Hang in there. Science is working on it.

Because with those thoughts. They can eventually lead you to think of them as a solution over a long period of time. That is what happened to me. After over 30 years of headaches, plus multiple other illnesses I took an overdose of morphine to stop the pain, plus two other medications. I barely survived. I think it was so easy because I had imagined it so many times as a way out of illness and pain and thought of it as going home to God. I think you need to get a different mind set even though pain isn't going away. That is what i have had to do to say alive. It is very easy to cross that line and think about going to the other side. The night I took the pills was the most peaceful evening I have ever had in my life. It is very inviting when you battle chronic pain. I think of that evening often. But my place is here on this, not in heaven, not yet. I am spending a lot of time trying to figure out why God puts up here to suffer. Right now I offer up my suffering to the Lord for whatever his purpose is. So I don't suffer for nothing, I hope. I hope that helps. But you need to change your thinking or you will find yourself making that decision, but chronic pain is a powerful thing and can crack the strongest among us. Good luck

I too have been there to that dark place with the unending pain. After 3 1/2 years my doctors told me that there was nothing more that theycould do for me. They just shrugged their shoulders and sent me home in excruciating pain 24 hours a day. 2 years later I heard about a new treatment and called my doctor to see if they were providing this treatment - he called me right back and said that it was junk medicine and it didn't work. He then referred me to The Michigan Head Pain and Neurological Institute - they are world renown for their different approaches to migraine and head pain. They made all the difference in the world! Tests that I had been asking for for years were performed and found to be abnormal in my case. Within 7 days, I was on my way home and have not had a headache since.
I had a suicide plan and had gotten to the point where I was just like you. As a nurse - I knew exactly how to commit suicide and my plan was lethal. What if I had committed suicide? I would not be here to enjoy this new life I have. Call MHNI - you can refer yourself - Phone number 1-734-677-6000. Move heaven and earth to get there and they WILL help you. Dr Saper runs the program the was a godsend.!
If you are still having suicidal thoughts please remember that children whose parents have committed suicide are 50% more likely to commit suicide themselves! Call a suicide hotline or get to a therapist ASAP ! I will be thinking of you and keep you in my prayers.

I have had real suicidal thoughts pretty often like the others here. I have the complication of having OCD and thoughts of suicide have been one of my obsessions for years-driving off a cliff, flinging myself off of something tall, etc. It used to be hard for me to tell the difference, but it has gotten easier between the OCD thoughts and the thoughts of how to deal with the pain. I can write off the OCD thoughts for what they are.
I'm not saying you have OCD but something about your post reminds me of myself so I wanted to share.
Take care!!

I've also been there. At the headache clinic I go to, I have to fill out depression screenings every appointment, and get referred to their in-house psychiatrist if I score too low (or high, I forget which way the scores go). Unfortunately, not all headache doctors are that aware that chronic pain can lead to chronic depression. But I do agree that your neurologist may be willing to prescribe an antidepressant if counseling is out of the question for you, insurance-wise. Talk to your doctor and tell him or her how you've been feeling. Any good doctor would understand that being in pain for that long would make anyone think these things.

I may call that headache clinic that Sue mentioned, or try to find one in my part of Florida. Thanks for that info. I never have those suicidal thoughts except when I'm in pain. Yesterday - all day without respite - was just nothing but pain. I woke up with it again today and found a half-used Fentanyl patch and taped it on. In a few hours I felt better - finally!!! I'm seeing my doctor Friday and my neurologist in a few weeks. I'm going to stress that I need a new strategy of dealing with this pain.

Thanks for all your suggestions and support.

Don't let insurance issues dominate. In another area, I had a sunburn or facial discoloration. Three friends or family members mentioned it, but I could not get an appointment within my network.

I called a doctor outside my network, she prescribed some medication which was a wonder and restored me to normal, and I paid a modest fee. Hopefully you can get specialized treatment in your network but if not, consider paying the cost (tell the secretary that you have limited resources, sometimes they can cut you a break based upon how they characertized the treatment).

Suicidal thoughts should never be considered "not real" or "fantasy", regardless of the insurance issues you really should get in to see a therapist. If you can't afford a private dr. your county has Mental Health Services at a drastically reduced or even free rate.

kat

I called my insurance company on Friday, said I was having suicidal thoughts. They gave me a list of therapists and I saw one on Monday. I think I failed to convey they strength of my pain or depth of my feelings because she urged me to play a sport or get a hobby. Of course I only have these negative thoughts when I am at the highest pain levels, and there is little or no chance of me golfing or gardening at those times. I don't think I am going back to see her again.

Dan, Unfortunately sometimes the first pdoc isn't the right fit. Please don't give up, get a different one or a couple from your ins. company. Look up their webpages online, (yes most have pages that tell of their treatment styles) and pick one that looks like you share similarities with in treatment styles. 75% of the success in finding a pdoc is getting along with them. Then when you see the new doc be blatantly honest with them, about your pain, your physical limits, your feelings of worthlessness, feelings of suicide. They can't help you if your not 100% honest with them.

Please don't give up, the right Pdoc is out there for you.

Hang in there,

kat

Wow, "play a sport".....now that is really getting down to the issue, isn't it. Was this a therapist of a teen coach.

I would call the insurance company back, tell them that your therapist was a bad match and tell them that she urged a suicidal pain patient to play sports and if you could have another referral. It is not an unreasonble request. Wish I was beside you to make that call for you.

Please, don't allow incompetance to stop you from getting the help you need.

Angela