crazy man
fucking drugs eh!
yeah i want to do some meth. the feeling is great and all but I know for myself, I can't go there. To be honest, I can't handle hard drugs. I think it is because of that thing called a conscience. lol. And of course the staying up for two days kind of sucks. at least the recovery time doesn't appeal to me.

Hey Bec , I hope this is ok but I would like to share with you what is going on for me in my life right now.cause this girl that I like is into meth and I'm pretty sure she was abused some how by her dad when she was a kid.
Also, when i do drugs(for me it is crack) I turn into a sex craving, cock sucking maniac. And I'm a heteral sexual male. Go figure. Pretty sure that if I could actually get a hard on when I do drugs I'd be screwing women, but I cant and have never even been able to blown my load on dope. So I went the other way. I've been fucked by a guy for hours til I was raw. and if there would have been other guys around at the time,.. Well you get the picture.

Anyhow, this girl . She is the women of my dreams. We have known each other since we were kids. She has had a crush on me all this time and I never was attracted to her in the slightest. she actually repulsed me. Then I grew up. ( I have been in recovery for a long time). When I saw her 3 years ago after not seeing her for about 5 years., we started talking and My god, I saw the beautiful, creative and talented women that she is. Now she takes my breath away.
I was even mean to her in the past when she would come on to me. I totally pushed her away. She is with this guy now that does Meth every day and she is doing it to.
If I do drugs I'm fucked and I know it. My last binge almost took my life. Crazy feeling doing a hoot(down) thinking that it was a good one then the next thing I see is a cop and 2 emt"s hovering over me. That was close. Good thing I was running a bath cause I flooded the room below me and it was the hotel managers room.

So here I am, grateful to be alive, falling for a girl I never used to see, who has been abused and used by men and is now doing meth.

I really appreciate your honesty and candor girl and I hope this is ok with you. I need to express myself. I'm new to this on line support thing

Hope all is well with you Bec.
have a great day:)

Drugs do have a way of ruining everything and everyone. I'm sorry the girl you like was hurt as a kid...met a few who were really abused bad.. I dont think I was really abused...not like lthese kids...maybe not treated right...but I dont think it was abuse.
The guy she is with...is he running her...her pimp? back when I was starting, I got passed over to some guys that kept me ....got me using, broke me in so I was good at sex. Stayed with them and whoever they gave me to. Took me about 5 months before I was able to get away from all that, being passed or sold to various guys...now I'm independent.
I don't do much by way of drugs, can't see spending my money on that. Once in awhile I do things... but I gotta be careful so I dont have a seizure.

Hey
No she's not an escort or anything like that. I do feel that he controls her in some way. I think maybe she allows herself to be controlled. Is that how it works? The psychology of it all eh! Why we do things and act the way we do has been a passion of mine to understand for years since I started to stick my finger down my throat when I was 20 and I'm in my 50"s now. Being honest about my feelings and behaviors( past and present,) seems to be the cornerstone to living a life worth living.
yeah I'm pretty sure my friend was only touched by her Dad, but I could be wrong. I have been friends with her family for years and I knew her dad.
My wish is that she will trust me enough one day to let me in and that we can share our experiences--, both pleasure and pain.
so Bec I have probably spent a good 100 grand on escorts over the years. When I first started seeing the ladys it was awesome WOW Then I got hooked. Me though, I like to kiss. that is where the real explosions happen. I would usually not see the same girl twice. When I did go back cause she was real nice and pretty. I would end up wanting more than a casual fuck. Maybe if I were loaded I could have swept them off there feet like "Pretty Women" but alas I am a humble carpenter with an addictive personality.
You know it seems that prostitution ought to be looked upon with kinder eyes. It is love that we all seek after all. Maybe then our attitudes and behaviors around sex would evolve into something less destructive and more "life giving" so to speak. It is wild right. I remember I was working with a french guy from Quebec and he mentioned that us English people were fucked because we curse SEX. He said that sex is such a beautiful thing and why wouold we refer to making love as a swear word. I mean when they swear the curse the church. Now that makes sense to me. TABERNAC. CRISE DE TABERNAC. They curse the tabernacle of the catholic church. Can't blame them. fucking religion. Anyways that's my opinion. the french do seem to have more of a laid back attitude in nregards to sex.
I got to go Bec
Have a great day
thanks for being here

Maybe I got lucky, maybe things just worked out the way they did. The first group of guys had me for almost a week, my first break in. The did what they wanted, and made money off of me. Taken on a road trip to Oakland where some other guys had me, more of a brutal break in, still have some of the scars The first guys kept me drugged, these guys, the drugs were for them, and their friends, I was beaten, burned, tased until they felt I was good enuf. Made me wish for the drugs. So if your friend is in a bad place, mentally or physically, she is being controlled through the drugs.
After I got away from those guys, and it was just by luck, I would get high, use, but not enuf to be a problem, wasn't an addict. Your friend is stuck and until she makes the choice to get unstuck, she will stay where she is. Does she have a job? what does she do for money or is this guy supporting her?

Wow Bec, that sounds horrible to be used and abused like that. How can people be so cruel?
glad u got away. I think that one has to be good to be lucky though.
I am and have been wondering if my friend( if sh is my friend at all) has been leading me on with mixed messages of here attraction to me just so I would do stuff for her. I am a sucker for women that show attraction towards me. I seem to have this weakness. I am also thinking that maybe she and her man have been together all along, thick as thieves, using my generous good nature and weakness for women's attention, so I would help them with their house and yard. I hate to think that she would do that to me as we have known each other for so long. IT HURTS.
i let her know the other day that I did not like the person she has become since being with this dude and doing meth all the time.
I have to let her go and pray that she is OK.
Yeah and they both have very little money,( on disability) but they rented a place together,
All in all I do not trust her anymore.
A part of me wants to go back to escorts cause at least my heart does not get so involved. --but still a little as I love to love. I guess I just am needy of affection. Working on that though. Being needy that is. Started doing Reiki on myself and affirming positive thoughts.
Just for today I will not be angry
Just for today I will be kind to all living things
Just for today I will not worry
Just for today I will do my work honestly
Just for today I will be grateful for all my blessings.
Nice eh!-- these are the Reiki principles
I have to do this kind of stuff because I can really get down on myself and I do feel that if I go back to rub and tugs etc., I will most likely crawl back into my shell.
Have a great day K

and thanks for your input
xx

No prob. It helps to talk about it, kinda reminds me of what life was like. I think deep down, I hope I die. Kinda want to get picked up by a serial killer and just dumped in the desert or something. Be a jane doe. That way, no one will ever know what happened to me, Maybe one day the people from church and my friends, they will think of me and miss me. But I know they never will. And forever, mom will have to pay the county for my support. So like every month, she is forced to remember me.
Guess that is why I just hitchhike and hook. Helps with my being horny all the time, thanks to the head injury, I do lots of sexual acting out, poor impulse control my therapists called it. Also pays for rent and things. I like the energy I get from meth, and sometimes get even more intensely horny, but then here comes a seizure. I've worked a few parties where I get a really good mix of drugs...don't remember what all, but I get a little bit of the energy and a lot of the horny but no seizure. I know I'm being stupid and self destructive, but I'm not hurting anyone and while I'm being used, I'm also being paid so, I guess I'm like any employee. Instead of flipping burgers, I suck a lot of dicks. lol.

lol
yeah the drugs turn me into a total horn toad too. Way too intense though.
You know, it is crazy cause I;m definitely not gay but I love cock when I do blow but not when I do Meth. Me I gotta, and I want to stay away from the white. powders I'm horny enough without doing drugs.lol I wonder if the sexual appetite is just a craving for intimate connection. That's what they say anyways, It's easier to just get fucked though eh! lol . Even sugar isn't good for my spiritual well being.lol. I can be a real junk food junky. Gorge on cake and cookies then off to the toilet. Ah relief.

And hey Bec, I am excited about living life now, but when I get depressed and all that negative self talk starts, then I would wish that I had never born. Pretty shitty feeling
I guess those thoughts aren';t enough to Make me take my own life, but i sure dig a deep hole for myself. I hit bottom then keep diggin. That is what it feels like anyways.
My heart sank when you said that you wished someone would just kill you Bec
Your Mom is obviously, messed up somehow, It took a long time for me to forgive my parents.but I see now how powerful forgiveness can be.
Please take care Bec
your friend,
Mike
Hey, so what did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip

Well, not sure what to say. Worked another pnp party the other day, and then got a ride to a place where I'm going to work for awhile. Im not sure if it's my brain that is messed up or have the drugs done something but I'm finding I'm fine doing more things that I never would have before. Sometimes even if things kinda hurt, it's ok cuz the hurt goes away. I think I'm just a mess.

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling to keep on track but it is not easy so I am proud of you for trying and seeking help. It is the first step in battling addiction and the most important thing when trying to stay clean. My sister recently got out of a rehab center where we was getting clean from a mix of meth and cocaine. Honestly it has been painful to watch her. She was like a ghost and we were scared that she will die there.
Thanks to the great staff of Abbeycare for their vigil and hard work she pulled through though. We were able to visit her only a handful of times but she was slowly getting better, and the changes were not just physical. She went back to school and actually got her GAD. I am forever grateful to the workers of this rehab center. They saved my sister's life and with it they reunited out estranged family. If you guys have someone who is battling addiction be sure to check them out here: https://www.abbeycarefoundation.com/drug-rehab/ O hope that you guys are staying happy and healthy