Menopause Support Group
Menopause is the physiological cessation of menstrual cycles associated with advancing age. It normally occurs in women between the ages of 45 and 55, when the body begins to slow and stop the production of eggs, estrogen and progesterone production decreases, and menstruation diminishes, eventually stopping altogether.
As most of you know, between perimenopause, menopause, and post menopause, I've been going through this for about 9-10 years now. It's starting to slowly ease up, but I still have bouts which can last anywhere from a few hours to several days, and they come and go without warning. (I'd like to think that the really BAD bouts are over, but nothing has been certain for me, so I'll just hope).
However, between bouts, when I'm Normal and can function, I found that I need to Prepare for when I'm not. Here are a few things I do:
1) Get my Support List together: Although this website has been a lifesaver for me, I would've done anything to have an aunt come over and hold me during the Bad times...just hold me and tell me over and over that everything's going to be all right. (Mom died in 1990). Luckily, my husband has been very loving and supportive, but when going through a bad bout, I can tap him dry. Also, he has to go to work. I have one aunt I call sometimes, but she's the one who keeps on insisting that what I'm going through is Not Normal, even though I KNOW that this is Normal for ME.
....So if you can, find those Special People, the ones you can call when you're crying and need an anchor. While you're feeling good, tell them about your situation and ask if you can call them and/or will they be willing to come over and be with you, or take you out to sit on the grass, if that's what you need.
Included in this list are those who can and will help with the everyday chores: pick up the kids, walk the dog, etc. Maybe your neighbor can pick you up some groceries while he or she gets theirs.
When you feel better, you can reciprocate.
2) Try to keep your house in order. We become ultra-sensitive during the bouts, and if the place is untidy, then we are overly-affected, AND we are in no shape to clean, so although I'm a pretty lazy housewife, I find that going through a bout is easier when the laundry's been done and things are somewhat in order.
3) Stock up on frozen and canned meals. Ok, when you are feeling good, then you can make fresh food from scratch, but when you are going through a bout, you can allow you and your family instant oatmeal, canned foods, frozen peas and chicken pot pies. Also keep smoothies and juices that you can drink when you need extra nutrients.
4) Put flowers in your house. This sounds minor, but the during the last bout I had, I was on the couch in a Dark Space, and I saw the flowers that my husband had arranged on the living room table...and that little bit of color...well, I somehow felt just a tad better.
You don't have to have whole big, expensive arrangements; just get a $4 bundle from TJ's or the megamart, put one flower in a small vase in your bedroom, and put the rest in the living room. Little things like that make a difference.
5) Stock up on music and movies that give you a lift or make you feel good. During a bad bout, I've sat and played one or two songs over and over and sang along because it helped me to tap into some part of myself that was not Crazy and/or In Pain. During a not-so-bad-bout, you might be able to distract yourself, if even for a small amount of time, by watching a movie that makes you Feel Good (and if it makes you cry, then cry! You're going through hell, baby, you deserve to cry!)
6) Communicate to your family and/or the people you live with INCLUDING your extended Support Group.
They need to see you when you are not desperate and crazy. They need to know that you love and need them not only when things are bad for you, but also when things are good. Show your appreciation for them being in your life and for helping you get through this difficult time by actually telling them so.
7) Watch what you eat. Especially keep the sugar and the caffeine down. Take your supplements, drink plenty of water, keep up the exercise, and get plenty of sleep.
8) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Starting to feel run down? REST! Feeling overworked and overbooked? Time to rein it in! Face it, we are not 24 anymore, and we need to listen to our minds and bodies about what we need....maybe we need another hour or two of sleep, or an afternoon free. Maybe we need some time away by ourselves, or we need a little pampering instead of at a meeting. Since we have to deal with this Change, the time we have is very precious, and we need to nurture ourselves, mind, body, and soul. YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR STRESS DOWN! Not only is it much healthier for you in general, when you do have a bout, you need to be in the frame of mind that allows you to take your To Do list and put it aside...and NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT!
One thing I learned during this whole thing is that I needed to become more flexible....and, more importantly, that it's OK to be flexible. When I make a date, it's tentative, and I say so. Our society frowns on us being unreliable....well, when we were 24, that applies, but at this stage, I cannot say what I will feel like tomorrow. I may be fine, or I may be a basket case, so I don't make promises anymore, other than that I will try my best. I hereby ALLOW myself to be not-so-dependable in every damn aspect of my life, because that's what I need.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Our family spends that day at the Renaissance Faire, and my father's flying in this evening to be with us. It's times like that when I do really want to be Normal, so today I will get his room ready, but if I don't get around to cleaning the kitchen floor...that's ok. I hereby allow myself to NOT stress out over something that really does not matter to my father, so I have a better chance of not waking up tomorrow in a bout.
UberMom is gone. I know I cannot spend nights awake making costumes and baking mountains of cupcakes anymore...AND THAT'S OK!! I cannot clean behind all the kitchen appliances, dust every corner, fix all the waistbands in my skirts, and greet my husband at the door wearing a teddy under my tight-fitting dress, and feed him a home-cooked four-course meal....and that's ok, because, goddammit, I AM MENOPAUSAL! I've been an incredible mother, wife, lover, and friend for YEARS and now I'm going through my own private hell....
....so I'm ALLOWED to not have the house clean! and I get to jump on the bus and go somewhere where I can be by myself and find my Quiet Space. If and when I spend hours, sometimes days, shaking and crying on the couch, I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY! This hell that I go through, this loss of control, this pain and discomfort...I don't DESERVE it! and therefore....I get a pile of Free Passes, and Get Out Of Jail cards.
Whatever it is can wait until I feel better, until the chemicals affecting my brain and body work themselves out. Until then, I am going to do whatever it takes to get through this....
.......until I don't have to go through this anymore....
.........and THEN I'm throwing a damn party!!! :)
P.S. Sorry....the words of advice turned into a Major Rant! I just find that whenever I give advice to women here, I am also giving it to myself. What we're going through is so difficult in so many ways; it takes over our lives, and we feel guilty about being "self-obsessed" because we've been programmed to always put everyone ahead of ourselves. Well, I say, it's hard not to be self-obsessed when you're being attacked by 35 assailants and they're all pounding you with bats.
So, from the bottom of the dogpile, I implore you, ladies, be GOOD to yourself because you are wonderful....and someday, this will be all behind you...and me.
Gotta go have a crying jag now! HUGS TO YOU ALL!!!
However, between bouts, when I'm Normal and can function, I found that I need to Prepare for when I'm not. Here are a few things I do:
1) Get my Support List together: Although this website has been a lifesaver for me, I would've done anything to have an aunt come over and hold me during the Bad times...just hold me and tell me over and over that everything's going to be all right. (Mom died in 1990). Luckily, my husband has been very loving and supportive, but when going through a bad bout, I can tap him dry. Also, he has to go to work. I have one aunt I call sometimes, but she's the one who keeps on insisting that what I'm going through is Not Normal, even though I KNOW that this is Normal for ME.
....So if you can, find those Special People, the ones you can call when you're crying and need an anchor. While you're feeling good, tell them about your situation and ask if you can call them and/or will they be willing to come over and be with you, or take you out to sit on the grass, if that's what you need.
Included in this list are those who can and will help with the everyday chores: pick up the kids, walk the dog, etc. Maybe your neighbor can pick you up some groceries while he or she gets theirs.
When you feel better, you can reciprocate.
2) Try to keep your house in order. We become ultra-sensitive during the bouts, and if the place is untidy, then we are overly-affected, AND we are in no shape to clean, so although I'm a pretty lazy housewife, I find that going through a bout is easier when the laundry's been done and things are somewhat in order.
3) Stock up on frozen and canned meals. Ok, when you are feeling good, then you can make fresh food from scratch, but when you are going through a bout, you can allow you and your family instant oatmeal, canned foods, frozen peas and chicken pot pies. Also keep smoothies and juices that you can drink when you need extra nutrients.
4) Put flowers in your house. This sounds minor, but the during the last bout I had, I was on the couch in a Dark Space, and I saw the flowers that my husband had arranged on the living room table...and that little bit of color...well, I somehow felt just a tad better.
You don't have to have whole big, expensive arrangements; just get a $4 bundle from TJ's or the megamart, put one flower in a small vase in your bedroom, and put the rest in the living room. Little things like that make a difference.
5) Stock up on music and movies that give you a lift or make you feel good. During a bad bout, I've sat and played one or two songs over and over and sang along because it helped me to tap into some part of myself that was not Crazy and/or In Pain. During a not-so-bad-bout, you might be able to distract yourself, if even for a small amount of time, by watching a movie that makes you Feel Good (and if it makes you cry, then cry! You're going through hell, baby, you deserve to cry!)
6) Communicate to your family and/or the people you live with INCLUDING your extended Support Group.
They need to see you when you are not desperate and crazy. They need to know that you love and need them not only when things are bad for you, but also when things are good. Show your appreciation for them being in your life and for helping you get through this difficult time by actually telling them so.
7) Watch what you eat. Especially keep the sugar and the caffeine down. Take your supplements, drink plenty of water, keep up the exercise, and get plenty of sleep.
8) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Starting to feel run down? REST! Feeling overworked and overbooked? Time to rein it in! Face it, we are not 24 anymore, and we need to listen to our minds and bodies about what we need....maybe we need another hour or two of sleep, or an afternoon free. Maybe we need some time away by ourselves, or we need a little pampering instead of at a meeting. Since we have to deal with this Change, the time we have is very precious, and we need to nurture ourselves, mind, body, and soul. YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR STRESS DOWN! Not only is it much healthier for you in general, when you do have a bout, you need to be in the frame of mind that allows you to take your To Do list and put it aside...and NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT!
One thing I learned during this whole thing is that I needed to become more flexible....and, more importantly, that it's OK to be flexible. When I make a date, it's tentative, and I say so. Our society frowns on us being unreliable....well, when we were 24, that applies, but at this stage, I cannot say what I will feel like tomorrow. I may be fine, or I may be a basket case, so I don't make promises anymore, other than that I will try my best. I hereby ALLOW myself to be not-so-dependable in every damn aspect of my life, because that's what I need.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Our family spends that day at the Renaissance Faire, and my father's flying in this evening to be with us. It's times like that when I do really want to be Normal, so today I will get his room ready, but if I don't get around to cleaning the kitchen floor...that's ok. I hereby allow myself to NOT stress out over something that really does not matter to my father, so I have a better chance of not waking up tomorrow in a bout.
UberMom is gone. I know I cannot spend nights awake making costumes and baking mountains of cupcakes anymore...AND THAT'S OK!! I cannot clean behind all the kitchen appliances, dust every corner, fix all the waistbands in my skirts, and greet my husband at the door wearing a teddy under my tight-fitting dress, and feed him a home-cooked four-course meal....and that's ok, because, goddammit, I AM MENOPAUSAL! I've been an incredible mother, wife, lover, and friend for YEARS and now I'm going through my own private hell....
....so I'm ALLOWED to not have the house clean! and I get to jump on the bus and go somewhere where I can be by myself and find my Quiet Space. If and when I spend hours, sometimes days, shaking and crying on the couch, I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY! This hell that I go through, this loss of control, this pain and discomfort...I don't DESERVE it! and therefore....I get a pile of Free Passes, and Get Out Of Jail cards.
Whatever it is can wait until I feel better, until the chemicals affecting my brain and body work themselves out. Until then, I am going to do whatever it takes to get through this....
.......until I don't have to go through this anymore....
.........and THEN I'm throwing a damn party!!! :)
P.S. Sorry....the words of advice turned into a Major Rant! I just find that whenever I give advice to women here, I am also giving it to myself. What we're going through is so difficult in so many ways; it takes over our lives, and we feel guilty about being "self-obsessed" because we've been programmed to always put everyone ahead of ourselves. Well, I say, it's hard not to be self-obsessed when you're being attacked by 35 assailants and they're all pounding you with bats.
So, from the bottom of the dogpile, I implore you, ladies, be GOOD to yourself because you are wonderful....and someday, this will be all behind you...and me.
Gotta go have a crying jag now! HUGS TO YOU ALL!!!
I have been in a bout for a long time and it doesn't seem to be going away. I hate mornings and just getting out of bed is difficult these days. Part of it is because of my sleep being poor and part of it is that I don't want to face another day feeling sad, lousy about myself, feeling the loss of youth, and feeling the guilt of not being the mom and wife I want to be.
This is a weird time of life, my kids growing up too fast and me feeling very out of place. I feel so boring. I can't concentrate. I can't figure out what I want to do. I wander around all day going from the computer to the laundry room, to the outside deck, to maybe watching tv if I can get my mind off how I feel. I am 45 and I feel like my life has been taken away from me - I am tired of having expectations. I feel disconnected from my family - I don't have friends around here (not close ones). Every one is always busy with their job, their family, their social groups. My mom and dad live 4 hours away and they are not getting any younger. I just feel like I am stuck in a very unsteady place and don't know which direction to take. I keep telling myself to appreciate the little things in life, but I feel like I don't have any motivation for anything. I feel an internal pressure to DO SOMETHING! But I feel unsatisfied at the small things and resentful toward my husband. He pretends to understand but then he snaps and gets irritated with me. We bicker and blame each other for our misery. He tries to be upbeat but sometimes it feels like he's really just faking it. I don't want to go on, but can anyone relate?
I try to get the house in order when I have some ok bouts between the bad bouts, but it seems like it's one big, long bout that might last for years and years. I am really struggling with a lot of mental issues right now. Your suggestions are great. I wish I had an aunt too, I do still have my mom but she has had some health issues lately and I don't want to bother her with my issues. She tells me to go to therapy and maybe try antidepressants. I don't want antidepressants - I will try therapy once my insurance is figured out. I just can't stop feeling like a loser! The thing I look forward to most these days is sleeping in - sleeping has become an obsession because it is so poor lately. Ugh.
....I'm sliding into a bout now. I need to see if I can sleep a little of it off.
HUGS TO YOU, SISTER!
I do see a councilor and he helps a little but I still do not feel normal. I guess that might not happen, feeling normal again, so I am trying to figure out how to live like this and be happy!
I hope you guys can feel better soon! and that we all can feel better even if it's just a little. Love and prayers to you both!
Lots of hugs,
Vicki.
This is not a Major Rant, just a very well thought out post on where you are at right now. I can relate to much of what you have written, so very true. Your words will ring true for many of us.
Happy Mother's Day and remember, this too shall pass. Perhaps not as quickly as we would like but,we will get there. ;-)
Hugs to you!
It is especially important that we pamper ourselves between the bouts. I find that when I go through one, I, who used to be a strong, optimistic, logical person, become a raving lunatic, incapable of sound judgement and sense of anything or anyone else around me.
Menopause grabs me by my hair, drags me over to the cesspools of the parts of my life that aren't perfect, past and/or present, and rubs my face in each one: "Here! You and your father have a strained relationship! and here! Your brother and sister are totally useless users! and here! your husband and your sex life is non-existent! and here! you haven't worked on your artwork in year! Keep that up and you'll die being known only for being a Good Wife and Mother! and here! you have no friends around you! Oh, and the bathroom's disgusting!" etc. etc.
My husband says "Try thinking of the Good Things in your life!" ]:[
I tell him that it's chemically impossible when I'm in a bout...
......so when I'm NOT in a bout, I do try to concentrate on the Good Things....and I need to do WHATEVER I can to keep my spirits up.
This means pampering, laughing, and having a good time. I try to go see movies that are either funny, and/or show strong female characters beating the odds (highly recommend "Maleficent"; it was so entertaining and uplifting that my mood was greatly increased).
Which also falls under the "Get Active" heading. If you can POSSIBLY do it -you don't have a screaming yellow headache nor overwhelming muscle pain- do try and DO something. Go out and weed the garden. Put on some music you love and sing and/or dance along. Grab a bus and head for the park or the outdoor mall and just walk around. Do some tai chi or yoga. Take that guitar out of the closet and strum a little.
Whatever you do does NOT have to be "constructive". What you are doing is a) trying to lighten your mood (so no sad movies, OK?...ditto contact with toxic people), b) DISTRACT yourself from thinking about the next bout, also thereby reminding yourself that there's more to your life than menopause, and c) REWARDING yourself: you are going through a VERY HARD TIME, and most of us have other tough issues to deal with on top of menopause. We need Good Times so that the Bad Times are cancelled out.
You may feel silly making your list of Things That Make You Happy; after all, don't you pretty much know this by heart? But when things start to slip and you find yourself struggling for a handhold (like those days where you're walking the razor's edge), the you can look at your list and say " Yes, I need to call M and tell her I need to talk over an English Tea at the Tudor House"..or you go get a manicure and chat with the woman who's working on you, or you turn up "Faithfully" by Journey or "I'll Run To You" by Pentatonix, or "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and sing along....and you've increased the chance of NOT falling off the razor's edge into the abyss, if even by a little bit.
Sadly, not only are there no guarantees, but also there are just some days that are going to be bad. Period. These are the ones that one wise woman on this website pointed out where it's better to Accept and give in than fight; by Accepting, you hunker down for the storm and ride it out, because some days, that's all you can do.
That's what I did on Monday. I sound all sage and sane now, but then I was a total mess, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I still had residual sadness and was exhausted the next two days, but now...
.....I'm taking my 15 yr-old to get a hair cut.....and I think I'll get one, too!
Hang in there, friends and sisters! Like pregnancy and childbirth, we are going through things that most males would NOT survive!
....and survive, we will...of that there is not a shred of doubt!