Marriage Community Group
To ask for advice about your marriage, the good, the bad, the sexy.
I've been married to my husband for almost 20 years, together for 23. We have 2 kids, and rent an apartment. I work full time, clean, take care of the kids, the bills and pretty much everything else. He does the cooking (when it's not delivery) and the laundry when it's urgently necessary. My issue is he has not worked full time in over 15 years. Up until last year, he was working only 8 hours a week bringing in only $100. Not much of a help when we owned a house, which we lost because he was not paying the mortgage. I told him to get a lawyer to try and save the house (I make enough to pay the bills) but I later found out he only asked the lawyer to get more time to vacate, and not to save the house. They gave us an additional 3 weeks to pack, but he choose to go camping with his friends those weekends and expected me to pack everything. He refused to pack during the week because I wasn't home to help, but I was working and not home. After Covid hit last year, he lost his job and now makes NO MONEY. That does not stop him from spending, tho.
We have 2 boys, one who is a sports nut like his dad, and one who likes long hair and nail polish. Of course, the second son is always hurt, feeling unloved by the way my husband treats him. I try to give him extra love, but I see how hurt he is...
My husband and I have not been intimate for years...too many to remember. I don't even find him attractive anymore.
He is in AA, and only went to in-person meetings once or twice a year. Now with zoom meetings, he is on ALL THE TIME!! If I wake up at midnight, or 2 am or 4 am, he is in an AA meeting. In the beginning, girls would text him or message him all hours of the night. He said it's only because he has so much time sober, but I am sure there are other people they can turn to. I believe men should only have other men as sponsors, and the same for women. And even worse, since he is up all night long, all he does during the day is more AA meetings or sleep. It's sooo frustrating! I've told him I want him to leave, but he refuses. His mom will not let him move back home, she said he is my problem now. (He was NOT like this when I married him.) And none of his friends will talk to him because he has anger issues. They tell me "I would, but you know how he is."
I love in a nice apartment, and don't want to leave it. I also like my landlords and don't want them to be out money if I leave, because he cannot afford to pay rent.
I just want him to take some responsibilty and get a job. any job. His excuses are wearing thin...I don't have a license, I don't have a degree, they won't hire me. I tell him all the time, go to McDonalds or Burger King or Home Depot, but he won't. He has standards. What a joke!!
How do I get him to start contributing? Or even better...leave ?
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
We live in a society that makes people feel a certain way about working at Mcdonald's or burger king. As a guy if I was in that situation I would apply for any job, would I like it, no, but sometimes you have to put your pride or arrogance aside and do what's best for the one that you love.
Look him in his eyes and tell him how your feeling and what you expect, otherwise you will get a divorce. I don't like saying this but also have someone near in case he gets angry.
I'm not good at this I'm currently struggling in my marriage so take my advice with a grain of salt
If you want him to leave, start the divorce process. I would contact a lawyer and figure out your options for getting him out. I wouldn’t worry about your landlords at the moment.
Him attending AA meetings all day and all night are the least of the issues quite honestly. Your kids are SUFFERING for this in ways you may not realize. Trust it from someone who grew up in a very similar situation. My mom stayed married to my alcoholic, jobless dad for almost 20 years until she finally had a moment of clarity. My dad also refused to leave. So my mom did nothing for him. No laundry, no cooking, nothing. She cut off all financial support, packed all his crap in boxes. He got the picture real quick and moved out within a few weeks of my mom serving him divorce papers. People who need others for their very existence don’t hang around long once that well runs dry. Someone from AA can help him find a place to live.