Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Support Group
This community is a place where you can share your long distance challenges and triumphs, vent, give long distance tips and ideas, or just get support from people like you who are going through the same thing. Whether you live a couple hours away or a couple continents away, the specific challenges that face a long distance relationship are unique and difficult.
Hi everyone,
Glad to find this support group :) I'm in an LDR for 9 months. I'm in NZ and he is in the States. We skype and text a lot. Planning to meet asap but finances got in the way - he is paying off childsupport and cannot travel so it is on my shoulders to go there. I was unemployed for the first half of last year but am employed now. Anyway this guy is the love of my life...we have had quite some ups and down with the relationship but mostly miscommunications or discouragement over the distance.
He is not really a technology guy..so he says...I expressed that I like to know how his day goes..but it doesn't have to be every day. But we did get into a routine where I would text good morning while he was on his lunch break. But there are days I don't text and then he texts me. But he did tell me the texting was too much. It was not so much in he beginning because we used to chat on yahoo chat. Then we started skyping which was way better but ....he has stood me up a lot. I got to the point of frustration as we have grown closer of...can we have set times so it is easier on both of us? But he does not respond when i try and offer solutions.
I accidentally woke him with a text the other day when he had flu cos I Thought he was at work as normal. and he was upset. And said we text too much. And I was gutted cos we have grown so close. And I have really cut back. But he doesn't read emails when I send one...he doesn't want to talk on phone...he will skype when it suits really. So I said, I'm not understanding....because whenever I offer solutions or alternatives like asking him..okay well can we set boundaries then, like skype once a weekend and a mid week how are we text? And he says all I am saying is, I am thinking of getting rid of my phone cos I am so sick of texting,
I was crushed and found that real harsh..to me it was like..out of the blue wanting to kill communication? Which has been a toughie I won't lie. But we made great progress. I wrote an apology poem from my heart...he hasn't read it. Has "stonewalled" me for 4 days now. In our relationship that is an eternity. Once early in our relationship he ignored me for 9days and I told him if he ever did that again I would walk away.
We are so close now to teh finish line as in, meeting and going to the next level. Now it's valentine's day and I organised this awesome surprise for him. He did nothing for me..which I Expected...cos he also ignored my birthday and we had a huge fight over that. But his family never did celebrate birthdays, so on his i made a big fuss and he LOVED it.
So today I logged back into the single's dating site where we met and he updated his profile yesterday with much more details. We have talked about exclusivity openly and agreed we are in a committed relationship with each other..he has at many times opened his heart wide and me too .. and just love this guy. But any time we have a conflict it is the same cycle and it is gut wrenching. I try and hold out the olive branch and apologize..to ask what he wants to do or how I can change to fix things..and he just ignores me for days on end.
I like to resolve conflicts the same day..cos I think ..they can make you grow closer together. He is divorced by the way, ugly divorce and custody fights over their daughter...so yea he has had a BAD run and I have compassion for him. But...this is really hurtin me. So today I logged onto the dating site and his profile looks like he is openly looking again. I don't get why He can't have the balls to break up with me then or just come clean?
He has come clean before about chatting other women and I said I did not like it at this stage of our relationship...earlier would have been ok. But he thinks unless we are engaged I can't really make those demands on him? In my heart it feels the same as being cheated on...
And worse yet cos I have been so upset and distraught the last few days, I feel like I ruined the valentine's surprise I arranged for him..cos he will be like...MORE contact from me. IT wasn't meant to come across that way but just as a fun. loving gesture -and I Can't change t now and don't want to because I love him. ..
How do any others handle conflicts??? Please I need advice. What to do when they just won't engage? I am pointing to my faults and trying to build a bridge...it really hurts. I have asked if we can please not fight over text cos that is too devastating. But then he just avoids the conflicts. He won't read emails either. The only way I have real communication is when we talk face to face on skype. It is a lot less threatening that way...
thank you for listening. I feel sometimes like I am just going crazy in my own mind cos of the distance and the frustration of not having met yet. I feel we cannot go further til we meet..are at a crossroads. But in my heart wondering if he has given up just at the end before it all came together. Sucks to feel like this on valentine;s day. IT's the first time in years I was with someone on valentine's day and I was so excited to make a fuss..now I am thinking valentine's days were better single. :(
Glad to find this support group :) I'm in an LDR for 9 months. I'm in NZ and he is in the States. We skype and text a lot. Planning to meet asap but finances got in the way - he is paying off childsupport and cannot travel so it is on my shoulders to go there. I was unemployed for the first half of last year but am employed now. Anyway this guy is the love of my life...we have had quite some ups and down with the relationship but mostly miscommunications or discouragement over the distance.
He is not really a technology guy..so he says...I expressed that I like to know how his day goes..but it doesn't have to be every day. But we did get into a routine where I would text good morning while he was on his lunch break. But there are days I don't text and then he texts me. But he did tell me the texting was too much. It was not so much in he beginning because we used to chat on yahoo chat. Then we started skyping which was way better but ....he has stood me up a lot. I got to the point of frustration as we have grown closer of...can we have set times so it is easier on both of us? But he does not respond when i try and offer solutions.
I accidentally woke him with a text the other day when he had flu cos I Thought he was at work as normal. and he was upset. And said we text too much. And I was gutted cos we have grown so close. And I have really cut back. But he doesn't read emails when I send one...he doesn't want to talk on phone...he will skype when it suits really. So I said, I'm not understanding....because whenever I offer solutions or alternatives like asking him..okay well can we set boundaries then, like skype once a weekend and a mid week how are we text? And he says all I am saying is, I am thinking of getting rid of my phone cos I am so sick of texting,
I was crushed and found that real harsh..to me it was like..out of the blue wanting to kill communication? Which has been a toughie I won't lie. But we made great progress. I wrote an apology poem from my heart...he hasn't read it. Has "stonewalled" me for 4 days now. In our relationship that is an eternity. Once early in our relationship he ignored me for 9days and I told him if he ever did that again I would walk away.
We are so close now to teh finish line as in, meeting and going to the next level. Now it's valentine's day and I organised this awesome surprise for him. He did nothing for me..which I Expected...cos he also ignored my birthday and we had a huge fight over that. But his family never did celebrate birthdays, so on his i made a big fuss and he LOVED it.
So today I logged back into the single's dating site where we met and he updated his profile yesterday with much more details. We have talked about exclusivity openly and agreed we are in a committed relationship with each other..he has at many times opened his heart wide and me too .. and just love this guy. But any time we have a conflict it is the same cycle and it is gut wrenching. I try and hold out the olive branch and apologize..to ask what he wants to do or how I can change to fix things..and he just ignores me for days on end.
I like to resolve conflicts the same day..cos I think ..they can make you grow closer together. He is divorced by the way, ugly divorce and custody fights over their daughter...so yea he has had a BAD run and I have compassion for him. But...this is really hurtin me. So today I logged onto the dating site and his profile looks like he is openly looking again. I don't get why He can't have the balls to break up with me then or just come clean?
He has come clean before about chatting other women and I said I did not like it at this stage of our relationship...earlier would have been ok. But he thinks unless we are engaged I can't really make those demands on him? In my heart it feels the same as being cheated on...
And worse yet cos I have been so upset and distraught the last few days, I feel like I ruined the valentine's surprise I arranged for him..cos he will be like...MORE contact from me. IT wasn't meant to come across that way but just as a fun. loving gesture -and I Can't change t now and don't want to because I love him. ..
How do any others handle conflicts??? Please I need advice. What to do when they just won't engage? I am pointing to my faults and trying to build a bridge...it really hurts. I have asked if we can please not fight over text cos that is too devastating. But then he just avoids the conflicts. He won't read emails either. The only way I have real communication is when we talk face to face on skype. It is a lot less threatening that way...
thank you for listening. I feel sometimes like I am just going crazy in my own mind cos of the distance and the frustration of not having met yet. I feel we cannot go further til we meet..are at a crossroads. But in my heart wondering if he has given up just at the end before it all came together. Sucks to feel like this on valentine;s day. IT's the first time in years I was with someone on valentine's day and I was so excited to make a fuss..now I am thinking valentine's days were better single. :(
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
I understand how frustrating it can be when they ignore solutions, or even agree to them and don't do anything after. I think it's harder for the other person to really understand how badly you need something when they don't feel the same way (about needing that consistency or regularity) and eventually I've learned to accept that it's better for the other person not to feel like they "have" to do something, even if they should want to to make it easier for you.
The second part really upset me, I can't believe he would say he wants to get rid of his phone because he's sick of texting. If he doesn't want to use other communication options more he can't complain about texting-- he should want to talk to you, regardless of how, and to threaten taking away all communication in a LDR is almost the same breaking up, because that's all we have. Furthermore, ignoring you after a fight like that is really childish. It'd be one thing if he was going through something (my bf did that once for 2 days and I went nuts) but it doesn't sound that way.
As far as the dating profile, I'm sorry that he's said that being engaged is the only real form of exclusivity in a relationship. I'm also sorry that he appears to be looking, especially while he's pulling away from and ignoring you. Don't feel bad about the Valentine's surprise- he should enjoy contact from you and you're not doing anything wrong treating him to nice gestures. It's his issue if he doesn't appreciate what you do for him.
As far as conflicts go, my SO and I do not fight a lot, but when we do it's usually over text and then if it's bad enough we'll call each other. They usually go from angry and passive aggressive, to outwardly mean and then to apologetic lol but I think only once maybe twice have we gone to bed angry or at least not resolved. I hate going to bed in the middle of a fight, it's awful, but he feels the same way which is nice.
It looks like you're putting in a lot of work for a guy who doesn't want to do the same. I understand that you love him but he doesn't seem to be doing too well at the LDR thing. I would still suggest meeting but I wouldn't take any serious steps if he can't be a little more mature with things that are necessary in a LDR like communication, compromises and trust.
Good luck, hope this helped =/
and a happy valentines day! Stay strong try and enjoy yourself.
Thanks for the encouragement about the valentine's day..i don't wanna feel bad about it. I saw a post on a single's forum about there are those relationships that come by that you hang on for dear life and for some reason this is one of those for me even though yes there is heart ache right now... but I admit I am excited about him getting his surprise :)
Yeah.. the texting comment it hurt bad. When I told him that he just ignored me after that. sigh.
Hey Happy Valentine's Day too :) Thanks for responding!! It helps to hear other's advice cos you realize you are not as needy or twisted as you think LOL...just feel like that with fights. :)
Maybe you do need to step back and give it some space and let him come to you more. Or maybe just take it a step back. Knowing you haven't met yet and are close i can imagine that is hard.
I only say this for i am in an LDR with someone i reconnected with after 15yrs! He is in Melbourne i am in Sydney> I was going every month to Melbs, and loving it, then in November he said we should leave the the Dec visit for he was struggling with his depression. We talked and he said openly that he cannot rush this, and really needs to take it slow. We find it really hard saying goodbye too, so iknow he is cautious of his feelings and what they do. He hadn't been with a girl for over 2yrs. and i had come out of a long term relationship in July.
OPen communication helped. I was disappointed of course but i was glad he was honest and didn't muck me around.
So, Jan we just spent a week together. It was amazing. All great, sms'ed and talked when i got back. Then a week later he said "i really need to step back and take it slow again", so we are missing March now and i am NOT bringing up April, for i am just stepping back and giving it some space.
Trusting the process. He is worth it and pressure can make it worse hun.
To be honest, like you i am upset about less calls etc, we are sms'ing more than calling :-(
Funny as i type this i got an sms "how was your walk, the cd you sent looks awesome (yoga), have candle burning".
It's all very confusing i totally understand. But i think you should really take it a bit easy, let him miss you.
It's hard i know. But he has spoken quite harsh to you, so you have every right to expect a nicer experience with your LDR!
Mine is deep, spiritual and amazing...Which sometimes is the problem!!
I did chuckle at your comment: Mine is deep, spiritual and amazing...Which sometimes is the problem!!
That is SOOOO True!! I feel the same LOL
Thanks for your advice..I have backed off ..it's hard though cos I just wanna resolve the problems. :(
Sounds like your LDR is a little challenging too ...yeah...sometimes I feel like men can be like the weather...changing.. lol. They say us women are fickle..but it does seem to me that it takes men longer to make up their minds or really have conviction about a relationship.
But I'm still blindly clinging to hope to work things out with him...sigh...love can make you googoogaga huh lol.
All the best!
Got more sms and it's been nice again. BUT i still have stayed back a little bit, not pushing anything..It has done ME the world of good too.
Today we sms'ed and he wrote something like "just fixing computer then watching biggest loser before chilling.." i replied what i was doing... Then an hour later i thought, oh maybe he is hinting to chat ??? ( we usually arrange for me to call for i get free time on mobile etc), sometimes he says he feels bad assuming i will call. Well i didn't think of that..
So i wrote" if you are up for chats i am happy to call after Loser but there is no pressure if you are chilling", he replied immediately "chats would be good, thanks for suggesting".
lol, so all is not lost and giving him space sometimes to get his head around things and not be fearful pays off...
ps. but i am still not raising the april visit, lol, a girl can only do so much! i am going to leave it for a bit.....
I know what you mean about baby steps again..I guess in the right moment the april trip will come up? This is something I am learning too...cos my man did finally break his five day silence today...I followed your advice girls and did not text him for two days...kinda proud of myself. But I had arranged for a rose on valentines day and then one the next day (today) and he doesn't know yet, but another tomorrow and on the fourth day a big bouquet of 50 red roses. LOL..cos I love doing spontaneous romantic gestures.
But I admit I was hurtin this valentines day cos of the conflict.
So he sends me a one line email tonight...Jen.. how much did you spend on the roses? Only answer that question and nothing else right now ok.
so I told him I didn't really wanna say
and he says he doesn;t understand why I would do that for him..
(he has a big problem receiving gifts or at least...they knock his sox off cos they dont' do that kinda stuff in his family)
And I said ...John...cos I love you ok..and I wanted to do something special..
and he says..yeah i kno but why did you spend your money on me?
..yeah so then we had a few texts..he stopped half through a text. He said, and I will add we are both christians but different backgrounds and for me it's not a problem, but he has some different beliefs which he struggles that I don't share. But I don't see the big deal cos we are the same faith even as long as you respect each other. So we have worked through this and now he brought it up again..and says if it was not for those two differences..he would..
and I'm like huh? ..so I asked...you would what?...and he says "i'm thinking". And I said..oh...okay...(cos he went quiet). So I said...oh okay..well...i'm hurtin bad...
and he says..."Why you hurting?" (Is this a newsflash? ..i dont' get that. I'm glad he was touched by the gesture of the roses and I hope the next two days touch him too but i admit my feelings are raw).
So I said about..it hurts when it seems like he doesn't wanna meet me half way when I'm apologizing and holding out the olive branch. That he is not really wanting to talk things through and resolve them when they come up...and that it hurt real real bad that he wanted to throw his cell away cos I thought things were going gr8. And also...why was he updating his profile on the single's site...and indicating he's single? Cos we are in a committed relationship and it made me feel....he doesnt think anything of the relationship..
so I felt better cos I got to express it and I know at least he was reading it...and I think I said it all very diplomatically but honestly..and for me that is something I have worked hard at over the last few years with people. Not to hide how I feel to be honest but be diplomatic??
Anyhows...nothing more from him..guess he is still thinking so I just said, hey i will be out tonite so if you text i'll answer tomorrow ok..night...
So..at least he broke the silence. For that I am relieved greatly...cos my emotions have been raw. I just.....i'm stil gutted..completely. Like...now he's going through some real deep thinkin about our relationship again..and i have had no clue what has been going on in his head..I feel dumb. Cos ..things were great the last like..6 weeks. But now it seems..maybe I am only seeing that?? But i know for sure when we skyped...we have had such good times..he contacts me as much as I contact him..texting etc. So I KNOW it is not all me..
yeah...so i'm waiting it out...we'll see what happens the next two days. I really struggle with this one...cos I am crazy about this guy. I have broken up with past guys for less..so what is my issue? The problem is he reciprocates with signals? .. I Feel really dumb right now liek I a missing something. In my heart of hearts I have wondered at times if he is a player...not intentionaly..but I know with the internet etc it is all so easy and accesible. And people can get in the habit of looking looking looking through profiles looking for the one...but can miss the one who realy cares who is right in front of them?
He has told me he gave up searching through profiles around the time he met me cos he was so discouraged. But he smiled at me and I smiled back and bam..it all went from there. Yeah there have been quite some fireworks and I have never really had the fireworks or attraction or..deep feelings for someone like I have for him. and usually I won't let guys screw around with me. So I dont' get what is going on with me..or him... lol.
getting too deep huh. But I appreciate the advice you girls gave me...nd I will still hold back right now and just let him contact me...and just answer his texts or q's ...and no more right now.
I think like you said sydney gal..they need time to get their heads around things. If we can back off..they are not crowded. This has happend a couple of times in our relationship and backing off always seemd to be the only way through..tough as it is.
But I honestly don't think I can go through this hot..ice cold..mode anymore..it hurts way too much. Has affected my job this week...my relationships with others..(I have been crabby as hell) .. even one of my freelancing contracts (I write as a second job). i just couldn't get the work done under the deadline pressures. When I'm distraught I just can't concentrate..
so anyhows...waiting with baited breath..not sure for what though...right now...I want to knock his sox off with the other roses...and if we go forward...we need to discuss the parameters of our relationship again and definitely figure out how we are gonna work through conflicts...cos I can't handle a knotted up stomach for weeks on end....
love ya girls! thanks for the support. Will keep you posted :)
My LDR isn't on a good wage and we really don't do grand gestures, like your LDR he worries about what i spend on him, so now i just make him cds and we send cards, cause he does the same.
I would lay low hun, but do expect him to maybe get a shock to get more. I know it's your grand gesture and spontaneous and very romantic, but do not be shocked if he finds it too much.
At the same time just say "i'd already arranged to send them before our last email, had i'd known you thought it was too much, i wouldn't have sent them"?
If he's already feeing fear, you don't want to push too hard too quick.. If he is going through a few things.
The religion thing i guess maybe he is just looking at your situation and possibilities of conflict in the future maybe? I don't know.
I have been known to do the pros and cons list, so maybe he's done one too and this came up! It doesn't have to be bad, but it may be a concern...
My LDR and i have the same spiritual sense, into meditaton and things like that, but he is so so deep about things and needs to "feel" everything, i have had to adjust to this, for i really love that he is deep and spiritual and this is part of that i guess!
He also gets depression as i've mentioned before, so he is cautious about set backs (Iike when i leave, the feelings it raises for him..)
3 mins till chats, but i will ring in 5-10 ;-)
Keep us updated hun. I hope what i wrote doesn't come across bad in any way. I just know so well what you are dealing with...It's hard when they retreat...
Trust the process but don't push things too quickly right now would be my advice :-)
i'm not upset by what u shared :) It helps to get other perspectives. I will keep in mind your phrase to use if he is shocked by the rest of the gift....we both don't earn a lot and money is a huge issue in his life cos of paying child support & his ex wife got him $20000 in debt during their marriage...without him knowing..ugh.
I'm hoping my gift doesn't backfire now :( ..oh well..i will lay low for a bit..
:)