Sorry to hear that. Are there children involved? If not how easy would it be to walk away? Good luck

Thanks for the reply. I have two children, they are not his. I feel trapped because I don’t know how to leave the relationship and I feel that the trauma and drama of a second divorce would break me.

Ask yourself some questions. Are you really trapped? Could you work on the marriage or will things definitely not get better? Is the trauma of a second divorce worse than the trauma of staying in the marriage? Think of yourself and your kids and potentially years of living under an unhappy roof.

That’s actually a really good point. I FEEL trapped, But that doesn’t actually mean I am. I guess I just haven’t yet gotten to the point of deciding that the trauma of divorce is better than the current living situation.
Can the marriage get better? I’ve held out hope for three years. We’ve been in counseling but it’s not going well. This morning, he told me to f-off in front of my daughters. He’s never been violent physically. With words, definitely.

I'm sorry to hear your husband is harsh with his words towards you and in front of your daughters, I hope that starts to go away in time. Martial counseling is not easy on either person involved. My first marriage, we did martial counseling for over a year, and my now ex-husband didn't put effort into it, didn't take it seriously, and continuously bashed me verbally and put me down in front of the psychologist that we had to switch into individual sessions instead of couple sessions. I had more emotional and verbal abuse in that marriage, which escalated to him strangling me, and then me separating and filing for divorce. Fighting off a marine, not something I was able to do, too strong of a chokehold, and I was in the air too.

I'm glad you have hope, that is always a positive. I hope things truly do get better. Do you think things will get better, that it may take a little longer than you would expect things to? How are your daughters holding up throughout all of this? I hope they are doing well. I send many hugs your way!! I'm in a second legal separation, long-term, so I know the fear and trauma that can come with a second divorce, but in my current situation, I tried to fix things, tried counseling with him, he says he cannot change, his actions and words show he will not change nor try to change, never felt married or took the marriage seriously.. so i'll be going through the second divorce unfortunately.

If you ever need to talk or vent, feel free to add me as a friend on here :).
Hope you continue to get support and kind words on here like you have been :).

I know exactly how you feel. I am married to someone who I realize I have nothing in common with and I feel like i made the biggest mistake and will never get out. How do people survive?

A lot of people survive by changing how they do things. I had counselling, did courses, became aware of certain issues. This has stopped me being attracted to the wrong types eg. abusive narcissists but I haven't quite got a handle on forming relationships with non abusive people. Its a work in progress.

anewleaf I know exactly what you mean about the counseling being tough. I don't know your husband obviously but I have read that counseling is kind of a waste if the other partner is trying to manipulate and make up stories, etc. If you honestly think it's mostly him, then maybe try the "individual therapy" approach like CREATIVEMIND said. You could even tell him that you should each do your own individual therapy. I mean continue counseling if you can afford it, but yeah an individual therapist might recognize your husband's issues and would kind of force him to focus on himself.

My wife has BPD and our counseling session phase didn't last very long. Either she would try to make it all my fault or if the couples therapist was on to her manipulations, she would insist that we stop seeing him/her. Eventually she started seeing an individual therapist, and I'm hoping that therapist can see the real issues.

We are different people when we are "in love" chemistry over rides our rational mind. We wake up one day and think, "what the hell was I thinking?" by then we have a house and bills and kids...

You are not a failure if you need to leave a relationship that doesn't work, especially if you have tried to nurture it, work it, be present for it honestly. Sometimes things just don't work out and it's ok.

The marriage may fail but you don't.

There isn't any rush, make changes, find ways to make it possible to leave if you need to and talk about it.

Lots of good energy your way.

anewleaf, I can definitely relate to you in regards to being in a "loveless" marriage, In my situation, it is one of "take take take" with never any giving. It is hard to give so much and try so hard, to find nothing in return. I wish you well and hope you can find some peace and healing for yourself.

I have been in your shoes. I felt trapped too (in a miserable marriage) and felt like I couldn't do it alone. It is hard, but I promise you, you can do it. It takes courage to change your current situation, but life can get better. Make a decision to either get marital counseling and work on relationship or move on. You shouldn't be trapped in a situation where you are not happy. Life is too short.

I can totally relate.....sometimes you can be in a group of people and feel lonely. I'm with someone too where at times I feel so alone its torturous, all I need is for him to connect with me and talk to me, probably just like you in your marriage.....we so desperately need that connection and when it's not there we are left feeling lonelier than we would if we were truly alone...