It's almost November again, the month I hate more than any other. On November 15th, 2006, I lost my best friend in the entire world, my grandpa, to Alzheimer's disease. Since then I have been battling bouts of depression about every 5 months. The most recent attack came when I saw the guy who raped me just a few nights ago. I hadn't seen him in a couple years. That incident occured very close to the same time I lost my grandpa, so when one of those losses is brought up, I mourn them both, and it throws me into a depression for about a month.

Right now, I'm right in the middle of one of those bouts of depression and I feel completely alone. I no longer have a best friend to turn to that understands my situation. I have friends who can say "I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say." I don't think I will be getting better any time soon because November is almost here. His birthday was Nov. 18th and he died Nov. 15th. Coincidentally enough, when he died I was dating a guy who had the same birthday as he did. The next year I was dating a guy whose birthday was the 15th.... Because I leaned on these boyfriends so much for support during that first year after his death, I never fully grieved. Now being alone, I'm experiencing all the grief all over again.

I just want to not feel so alone, especially at night... When I was lonely at night, I would call my boyfriend of the time and we would talk until I fell asleep. Now I'm completely alone at night, eventhough I have a roommate. I'm not sure how to battle this.