Loneliness Support Group
Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and alienated from other people. The lonely person may find it difficult or even impossible to have any...
I’m 24 years old, fairly successful at my job, and held at a very high regard, but what most people don’t know is that I just feel so broken inside. Not upset, down, depressed, but beyond that: broken. I don’t have any emotions anymore, don’t feel anything inside, and I am really just here. I have very low self-esteem and I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I’ve talked to many counselors who help for a little bit but eventually we have nothing else to talk about so I leave then all the emotions come back. Three events overs the last two years is what brought me here.
First, Im in the military and after coming back from deployment I was just never the same. I lost my sense of meaning and purpose and although I came back to having more in the states it was just never the same. I don’t know why I feel like this, but I was just never the same. I remember coming back to see my family and not being too excited, not as excited as I should have been. I came back to all my friends I haven’t seen for seven months, my car, endless freedoms, and I should be more grateful but I’m just not. I’ve never known how to really express these emotions.
Second, my friend took her own life at work. I am her supervisor, and it wasn’t my fault, but I never felt the same after that too. That was the moment when I lost my edge at work. I am still rather successful, but my inner drive also disappeared at that moment. From then on, my work performance and drive slowly started to wither away and regardless of what I tried to do I could never again find excitement for my career again.
Lastly, I got my heart broken by a girl I loved. I have never been in a relationship and as a result think of myself as unlovable. I have quite a few really good friends but for whatever reason I was never able to maintain a relationship. I can’t get over her because I have never opened up so greatly to anyone. I just find it so crazy how some people can just simply forget because I was never capable of doing such a thing. I can’t get over her and I can’t fix my broken heart either.
I’m broken and cant find any way of getting back on my feet, finding my self-esteem, and fixing my brokenness. Thanks for whoever read this because I poured my heart out but usually after I disclose something so heavy I feel lighter, right now, I do not feel lighter or anything at all.
Were you deployed in the military to a combat or high intensity zone, so that you saw trauma and loss while serving? I could be wrong but I am wondering this as so many of our honorable veterans come back with trauma and trauma effects the brain. Think of this as the brain getting rewired by the trauma so that one needs to practice management techniques to actively rewire the brain. Layman's description there, our brains don't really have "wires" but neuroscience is showing us that people with depression have different brain patterns than people without. etc. If you were deployed overseas in a difficult situation, then you were almost forced to ignore your emotions. You had to just do your job and not think. So maybe you've trained yourself out of necessity to not think and that also means not feeling.
The coworker who suicided at work is another trauma for you. Seriously, these things can do something to our brains. We shut down our feelings because the feelings are so intense and overwhelm us. Grief can be seen as sissy or not for men. But you have to cry and express your feelings for this coworker. You have to grieve this person or its a boil that never heals. If you feel guilty that you should have known they were so depressed, then you HAVE TO forgive yourself. This was their action and you could not have stopped this person. But you can honor your feelings and honor their memory by acknowledging your deep grieve over their death. The thing about suicide is that those left behind often feel terrible remorse, huge guilt, along with the grief. Those left behind never "get over" it, never forget, it always hangs on our hearts. We ask why why why which can't be answered.
There are many support groups, in person and online, for people grieving the loss of someone by suicide. Consider finding one as this will help you work through the trauma and your feelings.
The women you loved who broke your heart is another trauma. An emotionally healthy person doesn't forget, they simply move forward one day at a time. No one can automatically forget, we have to heal and we never forget. So this is one myth I'd like you to start thinking about.
If you've had a lot of trauma, physical or emotional, consider that what you really need is trauma based therapy. You sound depressed if I am honest with you. The totally gray world you describe can be a trait of depression. You may need medications as well as other therapies to help you change your thinking pattern. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one type. A book that might help you is The Happiness Trap but I also think as long as you don't recognize or feel your feelings, you will stay stuck perhaps. Get some exercise every day, outside if you can or even a short walk.
I hear a lot of negative self talk. To be happy and emotionally healthy, we can not label ourselves as broken or damaged or never going to have a good life. You are a human of great value and worth because you are who you are. Instead of telling yourself you don't matter, write down some mantras that you read every day like "I matter, I have value and worth". Humans who don't feel are often depressed and unhappy. Human brains are made to feel. We HAVE TO feel as humans. Resilience is learning how to feel and how to acknowledge what we feel and then moving forward anyway. Notice I am not saying moving on. Nobody moves on, we move forward. Its semantics but its also truth. Thinking you should be this or that is falsehood.
Lastly, and I hope you read all the way down to this paragraph. You have value and worth on this earth. You do deserve to seek a happy enough life. No one escapes this life without trauma, pain, bad things happening to good people. Life is difficult, life is hard. But life has joy, fun, pleasure at times. You feel no pleasure right now which worries me about you. We can choose to be happy each day by actively choosing to be happy each day when we open our eyes. By saying out loud, Today I choose to be happy. Sounds corny, sounds like sometimes lying, but the thing is -- our choice is to choose happiness or not. You are so smart and articulate and you have deep thoughts and feelings that I admire you for.
Also, consider looking up what Indigo Children are. Perhaps you have higher sensitivity than some and so life seems more vivid and real to you. We have to embrace our deeper feelings.
Please let us know how you are doing as time goes by.
Hugs to u