About 2 years ago, I almost died of food poisoning. It had come upon me first thing in the morning and I tried to weather it out myself thinking that it would pass, but it didn't. I let it get too far and to the point where I wasn't going to be able to drive myself to the hospital. I couldn't afford the $100 deductible for an emergency room visit (which is why I waited longer than I should have), let alone an ambulance ride. I went through my list of friends calling them. Nobody picked up and I was getting really light headed and scared that I was going to pass out. Luckily, one of my coworkers eventually returned my call and took me to the hospital. The hospital took really good care of me and they released me that night.

I was still really ill and weak. The following day, I went through my apartment throwing everything out since I did not know what gave me the food poisoning. It completely wiped me out, which was very difficult for me since I am athletic, fit, and strong. I went to the grocery store to restock. The shopping cart was the only thing that was holding me up as I made my way through the store. I was still so messed up that I had forgotten my pin number on my check card when it came time to pay. I had that pin number for over 4 years.

I had unloaded my car, but I hadn't put everything away before I had literally collapsed in exhaustion upon the floor. I spent about 5 hours upon the floor barely able to move. Some of the perishable things had spoiled since I did not get them into the fridge or freezer.

Only one of my coworkers ever called to make sure that I was okay: the one that had taken me to the hospital. My manager only called to see when I would be returning back to work because he was left shorthanded. He never offered to bring me something or stop by. I spent almost that whole week in my apartment alone and drastically needing somebody to take care of me. What really hurt was when one of my coworkers got sick with the flu a few weeks later, everyone made him meals, stopped by, and made sure that he was okay.

This seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I have to face everything in life alone. Why can't I have somebody there with me? God makes me go through it to test me or be a stronger person? I don't buy it. It's making me an extremely angry and bitter person. Right now, I'm going through a very rough and uncertain time and I could really use someone, but here I am going through it alone, yet again.

It's all my fault, though. My parents raised me to be a good, kind, caring and respectful person who cares about the needs of others. That's who I choose to be. The world is in love with people who are assholes, though. I've never met a person who was an asshole who was alone or couldn't find a good job. They always have a lot of friends and they always have a girl on the side that they're cheating on their girlfriend or wife with. Gee, maybe I should just become an asshole and I would never be alone?

I understand. I am going through the same thing. It would be nice to have someone to rely on and feel like you are not alone. I am a woman who wants good guys to stay good guys, so don't go joining the pack....
Even though it might be hard and we feel alone we are never really all alone. Sometimes I do believe God puts us unexplainable trials to see if we will rely on him. Best to you both!

Boy briman, I can so totally relate. I have experienced the same types of things and it's made me angry and bitter too. I don't know why the assholes get the goods and those like us are left wondering...

this thread hits the spot on!

I hate to be alone...I have been a better person and gotten myself lonely....

I agree completly with briman....
Its a world made for assholes...
You'll see guys and girls bitching about a person...
But the truth is that person ignores them completely and as soon as they get a chance they'll leave you and go with that person..
Thats the truth of life....

I'm so sorry and I do understand it's been 43 years for me.

I read your post and began praying for you! You are struggling so hard and mired in anger and hurt. I feel compassion for what you are going through...and sorrow.

Your message made me think...

If you have been doing something for years and it is not working, then maybe it is time to embrace going about your life in a different way, to consider another perspective.

Do you feel empty inside? Lost, alone...sometimes afraid? God gives us all free will...I don't say this to make you angry or turn you off. I am not disregarding your pain, I promise.

God wants to give us the desires of our heart. He wants us to live a full and happy life.

I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior when I was a young girl. I went back and forth on my relationship with him. I prayed, but I did not go to church, I did not read the word of God, I did not seek the company of followers of Christ. I also had a long and abiding belief that I was ok. It was enough to believe from a distance. When troubles came I would get angry and fight it out, shout at God...I battled and railed and blamed. How could God do this? How could God do that? I also had a strong belief that it was up to me to make life happen, to be in charge, to not bother God with my daily life, situation and troubles. God had bigger things to handle...all manner of things that Satan was stirring up.

So I did things my way. I was a good person. I was a good parent. I was a hard worker both at home and on the job. I did a lot right, but looking back...I was empty, lost, making choices that ranged from ok, to sort of not so good, to bad to worse.

I finally came to a new understanding. For me, it took losing much of what I held dear to get to where I am now. I lost so much...a mate, friends, was not close to some of my family, my career, my health was a long time battle. Four members of my family died between July and April, during that time I had two torn rotator cuffs, a kidney stone, missed work frequently, had migraines, repeated bouts of the flu, respiratory infections, kidney infections...my mate walked out on me...he didn't sign up for this and left...my car died on the freeway and I had no money to buy a new one...and I just kept thinking...well God never gives you more than you can handle, so apparently I am strong and can get through it.

I woke to pain in my left leg, red, hot tender and swollen, could barely stand to put pressure on it. I was misdiagnosed...they said there was no blood clot. I was sent to an orthopedist and told I probably had a Baker's cyst. Within a short time, I began having severe problems breathing. I was out of breath just walking 2 or 3 feet, making the bed winded me so severely you would have thought I just climbed Mt. Everest. I ended up in the hospital with blood clots all through my left leg, but that was not all. I had pulmonary embolisms in my lungs. The man I was now seeing did not come to visit me at the hospital and did not come to visit or offer any help once I came home. I was a very sick girl...I have many autoimmune conditions and I was knocked down in the dirt hard.

I was very depressed...so depressed that I got really scared. I didn't want to live and somewhere deep inside me I found the strength to reach out for help. I was put on an antidepressant that made it worse. I went from not really wanting to live anymore to active suicidal thoughts. I was despondent, angry, hurting, alone. I tried drinking...showed some serious bad judgment during this time in my life. I cried all the time, even at work...I couldn't compartmentalize my life anymore...I was losing it..or had lost it and didn't know...I had doctors urging me to take a break, rest, de-stress and allow my body to heal. I got very upset, I had to work..I had to provide for myself, I couldn't take time off, I had a mortgage, bills to pay...I thought their ideas ridiculous. I quit drinking, I quit taking antidepressants and pulled myself up by the proverbial boot straps and willed myself to get on with it, get a grip, get on track.

Two more years went by...my life had gotten smaller and smaller. Everything was a struggle. Battling what had now become 27 separate autoimmune conditions had taken a hard toll. I woke up with severe pain in my left leg. Another blood clot. My diseases attacked hard, my stubborn nature fought back. I was sitting in my office behind closed doors giving myself shots in the stomach and then went through the daily result of those shots...throwing up at work and soldiering on. When the flare hit, it took two weeks before I was able to go see the doctor who was treating my autoimmune problems. With the Cytomegalovirus, I caught every flu, virus, bug, germ going in and out of the hospital for labs, the visits to my vascular surgeons office...so by the time I saw my rheumatologist/immunologist I was in bad shape. Really bad shape, but I drove myself in...she examined me and benched me from work. Put me on short term disability...she did not care about my plans, she was putting her foot down, tired of my stubborn and foolish shenanigans. She wanted to bench me for 3 months, I accepted one. Had to run the show and be in charge.

Now home, I was hurting emotionally, mentally. I was angry, but most of all I was one really sick exhausted troubled mess.

I was flat lining. I also had time to think. It was a gradual process, but I thought long and hard about my life. My way did not work. The man who did not come to see me or help me was not a believer. He said he was, but his actions revealed otherwise. He was there when he needed me or wanted something from me. I was angry, so angry at him. I wanted everybody to get on the angry wagon with me...we had broken up long before I was benched, but I was still reliving every word, every hurt. I thought about that long and hard. I chose this man to spend time with. I chose to be angry. I chose to run my health into the ground. I chose spending time with that man and my smart children who knew he was not all that...were relieved that he was gone. I went through every emotion possible...from thinking that they just didn't understand me, my relationship, my excuses for his behavior...that bad relationship was just one small part of how unmanageable my life had become.

But being at home, alone, I finally began to take responsibility for my life, my choices, my actions. I found myself upstairs hunting for my old Bible. I started watching Charles Stanley and Joyce Meyers. I found myself drawn to rethinking every aspect of my life.

I bought books that were faith based on how to deal with adversity, trials, struggles. I read and wrote and thought and prayed. I had visits from people who genuinely cared and they all had a common bond. A love of the Lord, a genuine relationship with him. Still angry...I tended to focus on people I thought of as friends. They did not visit, they did not write, e-mail or call. I was sitting at the computer one day, reading about lonely people, isolation, anger...feeding my hurts, my despair, my anger...and it hit me once again that I needed to accept responsibility, to be accountable.

In the middle of that, one of my doctors wanted me to go see a psychiatrist for depression. I went and we had a chat. She wanted to put me on antidepressants and I did not want to do that. At the end of our session, she said, "You know I see people all day long, that are just like you. Filled with emotion. I wonder how it would be if people stepped out of the emotions and tried another tact. But it is the same every day, lives that do not work or function well and they continue to be ruled by emotion."

I cried all the way home.

Then one day I was sitting there and I had a new thought. I had accepted Jesus as my Savior, but I did not have a personal relationship with God. Sounds so simple, but it hit me hard. My life did not work...I prayed to God and I asked him to provide for all of my needs. I asked him to keep me in his care and keeping. I asked for forgiveness, for him to be in charge, I accepted that he would now rule my life and prayed for him to show me the way.

I felt peace. It was immediate, this amazing sense of calm. I felt light, unburdened, free. I had not felt that way in so long that if I ever felt it I could not remember.

I changed forever that day. No matter what happened God was leading the way and he would provide.

My outlook, my attitude was new and I learned to accept myself exactly as I am in the moment. I began looking at my life with gratitude. I was able to make decisions, do things in degrees, appreciate the simple things in life. I said thanks frequently to God for providing me with intelligence and a new appreciation for life. My body might be impaired, but my mind was sharp, clear and I worked daily to de-clutter my life. I followed his will, not my own. I left a more than two decade career that was a struggle. I applied for long term disability. I was no longer afraid. I don't know for example, how long I will be in this house, if I will be granted disability by SSA or if my loan modification application will be approved. I am proactive about these things, I consider different options, but I am constantly trusting God to lead...he has blessed me over and over and over again. I received an inheritance, it was just enough to purchase a low mileage used car in perfect condition. I was approved for long term disability by insurance. I needed roof repairs, but discovered I was not to use that initial check for the roof, but to supplement my needs based on my much lower income. I discovered that I would have enough money to pay for my expenses and that more money would be there for me just when I need it in early 2011. My needs are being supplied. My anger is gone. My stress level is absent. I began repairing my relationships, apologizing and asking for forgiveness. I was able to let go of any and all relationships that were chaotic or riddled with drama. I treasured my energy and let go of anything that was not working, anyone who was not there for me was not a problem. I reached out to many and with God now at the helm, I was able to separate the chaff from the wheat. Even more than that, I did not feel judgmental, hurt, ticked off.....any of it. Those days were gone.

I think that God was trying to reach out to me for a long, long time and I was not interested. Now I live in, I dwell in a place of joy.

God has been so good to me. I have such gratitude. He will provide and he is providing. He is a powerful ally and someone I can talk to, rely on...go to with all my thoughts. I am writing again, singing again...I accept my physical challenges with a smile now. I am ok with living in the moment, appreciating what I can do, what I do have. I rest when I need to rest and I do not push myself against the wall. I was fighting myself, struggling in the virtual water and pulling myself down...drowning.

Now...I can float. I can praise, I can do anything with he who strengthens me. I actively take a stand against Satan. Satan wants to push doubt in, lead me to negative thoughts and behaviors. He wants to win, keep me close to him and he does not like to lose anyone to God. I am no longer ripped apart by depression. I have moments when I first wake and I will be drawn into negative head talk...I push it away and choose the word, spend time in prayer, actively choose to be around people who are truly loving and supportive. I do not judge others, I walk my walk and pray all the time. It's an easygoing conversation and I feel strong, blessed and grateful.

I believe that it took me losing much to get quiet and listen to God's voice. I was not right in my thinking before, I was not happy or content. I have been blessed in so many ways. I am talking to family members I haven't talked to in years. I am so much closer to my children. I make good decisions, I'm taking good care of me and God is leading me all the way. I am cooking again, I appreciate having a warm cozy bed, the ability to read a good book, watch TV and be content with what I have...all little things, but it is so different than where I was just a few short months ago. I was angry then...I had paid off a loan and I was going to pay off another debt by the end of the year and I was going to go on my first vacation in years...since 1997 to be exact. I deserved it, I was ticked off about this life change. It took me time to grieve and listen and change, but I am so incredibly grateful. I am no longer ruled by depression. I am astounded at the changes God has made in me, for me and I am not worried about things that I used to stay in constant anxiety over. I am incredibly tired now...need to rest and sleep for awhile. I will pray for you, for your struggles and your situation...you are very special, very precious and God loves you very much. I will pray for your journey to get better, for you to come to a better place. For you to know peace, calm and find joy, real joy in your life.