Sometimes I wonder if I am self-sabotaging myself .... I am trying to reach out and break out of my comfort zone but once in awhile the "ole" man comes back and I just wanna retract into "arms length" and "touch me not" mode. I have stopped trusting in people and words are cheap ... so easy to make promises which are broken.

So I just stopped expecting ....... and stopped reaching out. ... unfortunately .. 2 weeks I had the scare of my life when I started developing left chest pains which radiated to the neck with cold sweats and a sense of doom.... EKG was done .. which was normal ... but the pain persisted ... Cardiac enzymes sent came back to be normal... but I was not satisfied ... finally went for a heart screening and managed to hit stage 4 on the treadmill ... some slight EKG changes but otherwise the cardiologist told I just need to lose 20 kgs !! and modify my lifestyle.... it was at the those scary moments when I felt that I should try to get out of my "island" once in awhile ....

I have lost touch with a lot of my old friends and most of them moved on after they got married and have kids. And the friends that I have now .. all have their own group of friends ... so when I see in Facebook ... they are going around with their own circle of friends and have time for them but no time for me... so what am I supposed to think? Hence words and promises are cheap.

I also don't do very well in a crowd ... will settle for a small group .. like 3 or 4 of us... so that we can really interact.

I am not a cocky or proud person ... warm and too trusting at times ... but now had slowly evolved into a hermit .... and anti social person... so that I will not get hurt again and not expect from others.