I have never fully shared my story but this is just a part of it. I have always struggled with relationships in my life, always felt as though I have never mattered to anyone. Growing up my dad showed zero emotion, he was robotic but dependable. My mom was the exact opposite, overbearing, emotional, depressed, anxious, you name it. As a result I learned to hide anything I felt to prevent any further depression in my mother.  I have very little empathy and I only feel that I truly care about my dogs. I have been diagnosed with an attachment disorder which explains why relationships seem so difficult to me.  Growing up I remember my friends would stop wanting to be friends because I was too weird and they were better than me.  One of my first relationships with a guy was awful, he was emotionally abusive and couldn't care at all about me. I remember going to a party with him as a teenager and passing out after drinking too much thinking he would take care of me. Then I woke up to another guy with his hands down my pants and when I came too and woke up my boyfriend he told me I was overreacting and not tell anyone and go back to sleep.  Ever since then I have been in emotionally abusive, controlling relationships. Then I finally thought I found someone good, he treated me well and I wanted to marry him. In the relationship my attachment disorder strained the relationship. I couldn't tell him how I felt, ask for anything, and I felt as though i always kept myself at a distance. Never the less I still loved him. We were to get married and 2 weeks before the wedding he cancelled. The public humiliation was awful. I was crushed. But stupid me wanted to still be with him, we patched things up and went to couples therapy. That lasted about a year then all of a sudden he gets distant, wouldn't come home at night, wouldn't return my calls at 3 am when I woke up and he wasn't home yet. Later I found out he was cheating on me with one of my best friends, who was going to be a bridesmaid in the wedding I never had. That was the end of our relationship and I went into severe depression and drinking. I've since cut back on my drinking but the depression is off and on, and it's been over a year since we broke up. I find myself pushing more and more away from people and the loneliness is eating away at me. I have no friends anymore. I try to find things to go to in my city but it's always alone. I just hope every time I go out someone will just say hi and start a conversation with me to get some new friends but it never happens. I'm so shy I could never approach someone on my own. I'm so used to being rejected that I just avoid people assuming they want nothing to do with me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so alone, so depressed and I feel like I can't get out.