Hey everyone. My depression, anxiety, and loneliness levels are off the charts tonight. My familly is super toxic and pretty much nobody talks to anyone else anymore. I have spent more holidays alone than not over my lifetime. It didnt used to bother me as much but now it's just killing me. I don't have a family of my own, never been married and no kids. I've been to friends houses on holidays but it's just not the same and even awkards sometimes. I went to a friend's house for Thanksgiving this year and I felt so shitty when they were reminiscing about the past, talking about upcoming holiday plans, looking at old pictures, etc. I was sitting there just wishing I could press a button and be somewhere else without anyone remembering I was there. I live in a big city so there are lots of places to go for single people on the holidays. I will have to force myself to do that. Sitting all alone just isn't healthy, at least not for an extrovert like me.

I am a super social person by nature. However, severe depression and anxiety has changed that. I want more than anything to be involved in social things again but my sadness is so deep and profound that it keeps me from connecting with people in any meaningful way. I guess I must not be much fun to be around. Maybe that's why nobody calls me anymore. Actually, in the past year and on two separate occasions two complete strangers commented on how sad I looked. I am unemployed and semi homeless. I do have a couple of options but my really bad anxiety and depression has rendered me like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming tractor trailer. I am paralyzed with fear and self doubt.

The holiday season just seems to amplify all of these things. I don't watch TV but turn it on occasionally but always turn it off after 5 minutes of stupid commercials and inane reality shows. God help that TV if I ever see another Kay Jewelers commercial!