by the moment i wake up, my inner clock starts ticking.

i wake up all of a sudden from my worst nightmares, as if i am falling from a 10 story buiding, hoping that something happened while i was asleep. i check my phone. nothing happened. from that moment onward, it's all about finding a way to make it to the night.

i have too much time on my hands, lost my job 2 months ago, have no friends, my dog died, i live alone and i have no one next to me. can't socialize with people, i clearly notice them looking at me as if i was an ogre of some sort. those few people i have to deal with, they say i have a negativity aura around me and that's why people won't reach out to me.

2 weeks ago i met a woman, she was literally the missing piece in my sentimental life. the other half of the apple. she ran away at our second date calling me a monster. i treated her with utmost respect and sentiment, but for some reason i am a monster. i'll deal with it, i thought. or maybe not.

truth is, that thing was the spark on my oil barrel. i am an ex alcoholic, i quit in one day. i have the willpower to endure, as i did in the past with things like this. but now no more. my grip from reality is slipping. in these days i started chugging on some xanax i jealously kept around, just in case, you know. started with the normal dosage, did little, then i upped the dosage, did little, had to mix it with antipsychotics to get a high, did little, just now i had to throw in some ethanol too it was more than 3 years i wasn't dealing with alcohol. still can't feel that high, which is the only thing that can keep me "lucid" (the irony, eh?) through this mess i am head-deep in. i am also having recurring suicidal thoughts, like around a dozen of times per day. i really feel i don't belong here anymore. i never really felt it, but this time it's on a whole new level.

i tried to keep my mind busy, i am a musician, i embraced my good instrument and did something creative. took me away from reality for that hour but i have too much time and disarray to attend to. tried to talk to people, they get fed so easily of a "sad and negative person". even tried on the internet, no success. offered to volunteer at a doghouse, they kept me waiting for 1 hour just to tell me "come back another day" took 2-3 hours long walks, more than once a day, still, that's no cure. i am really starting to feel there is no light at the end of this tunnel, just a grey wall and i am slowly going to headbutt it eventually.

every minute is 10 hours long, and i can't cope with it anymore. 

i never, EVER, begged for let's call it "attention" in my life. it just ain't me. but now i really REALLY need someone to talk to. a lot.