I know what you mean when you say you just want the pain to end. I have been there so many times before. I finally decided that if I didn't want my life and it meant nothing to me that I would give it away. So I gave my life to Jesus Christ. I don't do for myself any more. I don't seek things for me. I do all that for the LORD. I actually find it enjoyable to work for the LORD. No one can tell you how to live or what to do with your life, only you your self can do that. I just figured for myself if I was gonna end it, then I would end it and give it to someone who could use it. Meeting with Jesus was kinda strange. I told Him how I disliked myself and my life. He said He would give me a new one. I wasn't to sure I wanted to try with a new one. He showed me that this new life was so different from how I had been living. I no longer had to worry about things. What I would wear or eat or drink. He would supply all my needs. And when He was finished using me here on Earth He would give me a new body in a new world without loneliness and depression. He said if I would let Him be LORD and Master of this life He would give me a part of Himself to live in me called the Holy Spirit. I would never be alone again. Well, I said...Ok I believe you and just that quick I became a new person. Satan..that's God's enemy, tries to make me believe that Jesus can't do all the things He said He could do. Even tries to tell me the bible is a lie and Jesus will not save me in the end. I just tell him I may not know all my future ....but I do know his ending. lol lol

Thank you for your reply. It is very kind of you!

I like what fonzy said - it is not easy to follow, but it's so true. He put us here for a reason. Don't let anyone tell you that you are less than worthy just because you have a disability. I would try church, volunteering, and meetup groups - not all at once of course but try to find ways to get the support you need and deserve, especially since your family is not helping. And you have kids - what a blessing! We do not have children, and that alone is something to live for - to see how they will learn and grow, and who they will become. As for the weight, well, I have not been thin since my teens, so I understand - if it is bothering you that much are there any alternative meds to try that might help you not gain as much? I am not sure, but again looks are all superficial, and anyone that judges you on that really is not a worthwhile long term companion. Don't give up!!!! You found this site, so that is at least one step in the right direction...

I know it's hard not to feel bad when we put on weight especially because society worships the perfect size zero as the ideal women, but don't be so hard on yourself. The reality is the majority of the population is overweight. There are plenty of woman who have a little extra to love that are in relationships. Sure, you may come across the superficial and shallow who may only chase after thin women, but those are not the type of people you want to be with in the end anyway. I usually find the more shallow a person is the less they have to offer. Love yourself and walk around with love in your heart towards others and you will find people are attracted to you.

Hi POObear,
Thank you for the ideas of volunteering and meetup groups. I had looked up meetup groups a couple of years ago, but I will look again. I would love to attend weekly depression/anxiety group at one of our mental health facility, but it is till 9:30 at night in a shady end of town and I have to bus it, so needless to say Im too scared to go.

You are right my kids are a blessing and have always said they are what keeps me here, but they are to be 16 and 18 and dont want to bother with me much and plenty of times they are just plain rude and grumpy towards me. I understand in my mind that I should not be judged by my weight but so many do.

Unfortunately, there isnt any alternative meds for my anxiety. It took them 2 years to find this one that actually works. I did go off of it almost a year ago and dropped 30 pounds in 2 months but my anxiety gets way out of hand and am now back on it, as well while I was in the hospital they increased it.

Thank you BlueYonderDreams. I agree that I dont want someone shallow in my life. I wish I could learn to love myself like this. It is really hard because even when I was thin I thought I was fat and went through a stage of bulimic and it was also thought that I had Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). I need to find my book and go through it again to help myself. And yes it is so true and sad that our society worships the perfect size zero of a woman.

My daughter was on Seraquel for a few days when she rapidly sped into Bi-polar 1 disorder in her 7 month of pregnancy- out of know where...but it was in our family's genes and by the sheer grace of God..she discovered it early on - at 17..yeah...the seraquel knocked out the psychosis fast and thank God for Lithium ...which she takes daily 1200 milligrams...but it allows her to be a mother and to be lucid...
But as for you my precious friend...forget every negative thought ...cleave only to positive thoughts PERIOD...