This is impossible. This is the hardest time in my life, starting mid-June 2019. Way too much backstory to this whole scenario. I'm not even going to attempt to explain what went on Jan 2019 to that day my "wife" got rid of me.  Since then she's sterilized her life of everything we had left, which included the very last of our stuff in storage, to the clothes and other things I was forced to leave behind. She has in her psychological disorder systematically rided her "world" of everything her alter, my "wife" and I shared, which was proof we had a totally loving relationship for eleven years.  I have not even heard from her since June, I know where I left her, which was at a very emotionally and psychologically unhealthy place for her.  I had been told by two different people, one who suffers DID and one a therapist, a bad or "unsafe" environment can often bring back the disorder, even after a silent 14 years.  I never knew she had a disorder and personally, I don't think my wife (the alter) did either.

So since June, I have been forced to return to Texas, my home state. Nothing has changed here in something like 22 years, same damn draconian state with it's idiotic old-west mentality and laws. I exist in a reality of chronic pain: chronic migraines, Cluster Headaches, double scoliosis in my neck and a f'd up spine.  I was on a regimine of an opiate pain killer, Norco, while I lived in Sacrament California, when I got back to Texas, I found I didn't quality for medical insurance, there is none for poor people without children, in Texas: nothing has changed, not even "ObamaCare" is here and that so called idiot Trump and his "TrumpCare" has just made it worse.

Every morning for months, I wake up in multiple pain, all the way from physical to emotional.  I'm not sure which one is the worse pain.

I have found myself so alone here. I live in a very isolated area in what is called The Big Thicket...a heavily forested, almost primitive geographical area which has seen little development in over a hundred years.  I am totally alone, other than family I live with. I am blessed by them, for sure, otherwise I would still be in Sacramento and homeless, since "she" kicked me out.  I am financially destitute, getting ready to fight Social Security again...while she has her disability and has for years...if not for me, pushing her for three years to not give up...I am left destitute because of her psychological disorder and her "original."

This lonliness is slowly killing me, like a soul-sucking vampire.  My only outlet is the internet, but recently I have fallen into an emotional victim of online scam artists at certain adult dating sites: the whole site apparently a scammer system.  Hell, I am so lonely, once I figured out what they were, I would play along with their bullshit, just to have "somebody" to chat with.  I am pitiful. I am such a freakin' loser.

So here I am totally alone, even with family, chatting with scammers as if I think the women are "real"...just for company, while my "wife's" original is back in Sacramento, who knows what the fuck is going on with her...is she ok, is she still deep in her psychological disorder, is she still doing Meth? Does she still live where it is emotionally dangerous for her? Is her old friend, the landlady, still so fucking ignorant and stupid...and can't see the differences between the her who is the original and the her who is the "alter?" Is she now taking advantage of that total ignorance of their's? Is she sad? Is she surviving? 

It is questions like this which I have every day...and it just makes my anxiety and depression worse, every day...and reminds me of how fucking lonely I am...without her in my life.  When I say "her", I mean the alter her, the one I was in love with, who loved me and shared eleven years of a wonderful life with.  She will never be the same, even if the original finally gets comfortable enough to slip away and let her alter exist...the psychological disorder, like a computer, will rewrite the program so it will fit the scenario and my sweet wife will never know what really happened.

I hate this. I hate my existence. I feel suicidal a lot now. I'm sixty-three and the happiest moments in my life were from May 2006 to late March 2019...there will be no more happy moments for me again.  My life is dead, I am dead: it's like existing inside a coma, inside a "Twilight Zone" episode...for the rest of my life...if lonliness doesn't kill me...soon, well, I don't know what comes next.