Hi all. I just posted this in the Depression group, but it has a lot to do with my loneliness as well, so I'm putting it here too. Oh, you lucky readers...

Warning - this is a bit of a vent with some background details. It will end up long. If you make it to the end, I love you.

When I joined DS a few months ago, I was in one of my lower periods where I had the ache in my chest, crying often, feeling so useless. I felt like no one in my life could understand the constant misery and hopelessness I felt. I came here to find people who really could relate. I'm beyond grateful that I know there are people in my corner, but at the same time, I wish no one could relate because I don't want any of you beautiful people to struggle with depression.

Anyway, many of the issues I was dealing with when I came here have been sorted out, at least to a point where I can handle it. I'm on Effexor (225 mg) and Lamictal (100 mg). The Lamictal has helped as my doctor hoped, that the lows aren't as low, I'm less likely to feel really down in general.

However, though I do feel like I'm on a more even keel, I still have the background sadness. I can get through the days going to work, taking care of my daughter, basically functioning. But there are those voices in the back of my mind, telling me I'm worthless and unloved.

I have very few people I consider true friends, and only 2 of them are local. Everyone else is scattered around the country. My family has always been small, but now it's my parents, my daughter, and me. I have extended family on my mom's side, but they're all the way across the country and I've only met a few of them once or twice. My circle is tiny, and don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly thankful for who I have. But it does make me lonely.

Most of the time, when I meet someone new and think I've finally made a friend, it lasts for a little while then they disappear. They usually find someone they like better and I'm dropped. Sometimes I find out I'm better off without them, but it's so frustrating that it happens over and over. I've found myself in a bit of a catch-22, I get depressed so I isolate myself, isolation doesn't help me meet people, I get more depressed, etc. Then when I do try to put myself out there, I get let down, so I give up and isolate.

Then there's the fact that I'm single. So painfully single. Realistically, I know that the isolation doesn't help that. But I'm convinced that there are other factors. My self esteem is so low that I actually loathe myself. I'm overweight and I'm sure that keeps people away. I see an incredibly ugly person when I look in the mirror - my nose is too big, my teeth are crooked, my eyes are too small...I see flaws everywhere. On the rare occasion that I go out, I'll see girls who are bigger than me and not necessarily gorgeous (I don't mean to be shallow, I just compare, I can't help it) and they're surrounded by people and having a great time. My automatic assumption is "ok, that means I'm fat, ugly, AND dull. I have absolutely nothing to offer." I don't have hobbies. Nothing interests me. Anything I've tried just didn't work. I have no talents or skills.

Guys, I know I'm a good person, I give as much of myself to people as I can. I love deeply and care endlessly. Apparently that's just not enough to draw people in or keep them around. And those background voices repeat it from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep. Fat, ugly, worthless, fat, ugly, worthless...I keep moving forward in life but only because I have to so I don't let down my family. I can't enjoy life, I just go through the motions. Why bother doing more? It won't get me anywhere.

If you're reading this sentence, seriously, I love you. Most don't stick with me this far.