Hey....I know what it`s like to push everyone away...I used to do it because I was scared they would hurt of leave me, and in my mind it made it less painful to push them away before they took the control from me.

For me the wall that I had was one that I had put up....and although it blocked me from the world...it was my safety net..... not sure if it`s the same for you....

I`m here if you want to talk.....*hugs*

i believe the same about myself.
Strangers dont even bother to smile,acknowledge me, let alone befriending me. i am a friend repellant.
anyway, i am part of the problem too. we are the unfortunate souls,
whats natural for others is an uphill task for us...

i learnt that , whining or self sympathy will not solve my problem and i am trying to change my perception and hope it works.

hi ophelia, you are not alone....

Can I offer a little gentle perspective here, because I hear what you're saying....

Marooned--Strangers by their very definition, are people you don't know. So what you're implying is that you would like somebody you don't know to smile and....what? Acknowledge you, okay so that means call you by name, greet you? Wave?
And the flip side is that you too are a stranger. Are you smiling and acknowledging others? But perhaps you are shy. It might take time for you to come across the right stranger (like me for example) who won't hesitate to acknowledge what you write and befriend you a bit.

and to jodiakajill --especially--I can appreciate why you feel it's an issue of control...sorta like "Nobody's gonna push me, I'm going to jump" even if it means jumping to your own death. But what that really is saying is that you're going to cause yourself pain rather than have somebody else do it--but how about just figuring out how not to cause the pain period? Maybe there's a way to feel less pain or even no pain when people come and go from your life?

Ophelia-- Stone walls protect but they also keep out. So you're faced with the problem of keeping out people you see as wanting to hurt you while letting in friends who won't--but then you say everybody wants to hurt you, so unless you're somebody like Hitler, maybe you want to go double check. I think you have three people right here who don't want to hurt you.

Hello to you all. You are sayings words that are all too familiar. But there is wisdom lurking in there as well. Yes, the wall of protection is there, but use it maybe as a filter, rather than letting anyone stampedge on through. I think we all know what sort of people we desire in our lives. Seek them out, don't just let anyone in, cuz we are so starved for human contact. And we know not to hand over control of our lives, that is our power, no one elses. If we open our eyes and seek out good people, and be good people, maybe then life won't be so lonely?

Oh cool beans! Yeah a filter...I like that concept, I think you've nailed it for what's being attempted here.
But it funny because while I think we're trying for a filter, it's not an adequately adjusted filter. Barely anybody is getting through the screening process--Ophelia's feeling like maybe nobody should get through.

So I don't know, maybe there's something to be said for this "we all know what sort of people we desire in our lives."

...and as a PS:

Ya know I was reading lonelady's post about lowering standards, and thankfully, she seems to be reconsidering the idea of allowing herself to be taken advantage of for the sake of friendship--I think that's a part of the kind of pain and hurt you might wish to avoid.
So you raise your standards. You want to make sure the people you let in won't abuse your friendship.
But what about if everybody seems to take advantage of you? Do you really have to keep everybody out? Why would people love you n' leave you? If that's happening are some of us just walking around with the word SUCKER printed on heads? And so sure, "we're not gonna be anybody's fool now!" We're hyperventilating with our quality control!
TJG thinks we're starved for human contact, but I think maybe we're the ones who have put ourselves on this impossibly strict diet.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I truly do appreciate everything you guys are saying.

The thing is, I do put myself out there for friendship. I am very active in my local LGBTQ centers, I am a local musician that preforms in coffee houses, and I work with animals. I think I feel so lonely becuase I distrust people's intentions toward me. At one point in my life I trusted someone with my entire heat and it, pardon the phrase, bit me right in the ass. So now whenever anyone tries to be friendly and kind, I tell myself they hate me so that I can push them away without feeling guilt.

Getting through that wall is a process that is sometimes slow and methodical. I've been there, I know, and I'm not completely through the wall yet. Here's what is working for me: I started by exchanging emails. That advanced to sending text messages, then phone conversations, meeting for short periods (like just coffee) and then taking a chance to see if there is mutual interest to spend more time together.

Trying to move too fast brought me more anxiety than I needed, and setting my expectations on a friendship did the same thing.

Good luck to you.

I always find it's friggin' amazing what lengths we go to in order to keep ourselves from our feelings. If it's a bad feeling--guilt--then you're avoiding it, not even attempting to process it it in your mind. So sure, you have to then make up all these "push away" coping mechanisms that end up causing you even more pain.