I apologize beforehand that this will most likely read like a mini-novel.
A bit of background first: in the past few years, I've experienced more life-altering events than I probably did for the ten years before that. They ranged from finding that my biological mother was neglecting my dad who was in the latter stages of Alzheimers and non-hodgkins lymphoma and finding a way to get him the care he needed so much while working 70-hour workweeks, the last two close family members- my dad and my aunt- passing away within a year, an at-fault car accident, being unjustifiably fired from a job and the continued stress of the former employers disputing the unemployment claim (which I did win, but the stress of their covert contacts through their employees by text and emails from them directly was rough), a bout of very serious flu for a month with 104+ temperatures that lasted almost 3 weeks, ending a relationship with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder (not to be confused with a person who is simply narcissistic.), and losing over one third of my income.
While I do have a biological mother, she isn't my Mom. We have no relationship and haven't for years. Same with my brother. I tried for well over a decade to resolve this before realizing that it was a lesson in futility, frustration, and depression. I cannot and will not subject myself to either of their neglect, verbal abuse, or weird version of reality every again.
I do enjoy my job now, but it's only seasonal. I went back to working outside in landscaping because it's my true passion. At the time, shortly after my dad's passing, many people advised me to be kind to myself (which is why I say this to many here now) and it made sense. I gained a strong work ethic from my dad and, while I feared I wasn't physically capable after so many years, I took the risk and it has paid off and helped keep me from spiraling into an uncontrollable depression.
For the most part, life is settling down. During this chaos, I had to do a lot of soul-searching. There is one more aspect of my life that I (almost) wish had been just as chaotic and that is with friends. Or rather the lack of them. Sure, there are people in my life who pay lip service to being my friend. None of them ever so much as made a call to me when I disappeared off the face of the earth nearly 9 years ago when my dad started going through his experience of multiple health problems before his passing. No one initiated or initiates communication, let alone making any plans with me. I've lived in the same home for over 12 years now and no one visits me. This is the greatest source of my loneliness. Sure, I could tell them how this makes me feel, but that feels like it's contrived/set up/staged. Sure, I could join meetup events, but what guarantee does that give of meeting a person of quality who would actually become a friend? I don't need more acquaintances, I need FRIENDS! Even one friend would be great. I don't want to play the role of "Initiator" again and be the one who always calls, always makes plans, always has to leave my home in order to see any of them.
I have hobbies that give great satisfaction, but they aren't the type of hobbies that bring me around droves of people. There is great support though this site and through social media and I've received emails and texts numerous times that have brought me back from the brink of self-destruction. But none of this gives me the face to face and physical contact that I so yearn for.
I've always been a bit of a wallflower, but I communicate well and am friendly, yet have never shaken the knowledge that I'm 'different' from most people. I grew up in an era when people didn't know about or talk about behavioral or emotional difficulties like Aspergers or NPD or even really abusive relationships.
Has anyone else ever experienced this? If so, were you ever able to change it? Does anyone have any suggestions of how to change this?