Loneliness Support Group
Loneliness is an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Loneliness is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected and alienated from other people. The lonely person may find it difficult or even impossible to have any...
I apologize beforehand that this will most likely read like a mini-novel.
A bit of background first: in the past few years, I've experienced more life-altering events than I probably did for the ten years before that. They ranged from finding that my biological mother was neglecting my dad who was in the latter stages of Alzheimers and non-hodgkins lymphoma and finding a way to get him the care he needed so much while working 70-hour workweeks, the last two close family members- my dad and my aunt- passing away within a year, an at-fault car accident, being unjustifiably fired from a job and the continued stress of the former employers disputing the unemployment claim (which I did win, but the stress of their covert contacts through their employees by text and emails from them directly was rough), a bout of very serious flu for a month with 104+ temperatures that lasted almost 3 weeks, ending a relationship with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder (not to be confused with a person who is simply narcissistic.), and losing over one third of my income.
While I do have a biological mother, she isn't my Mom. We have no relationship and haven't for years. Same with my brother. I tried for well over a decade to resolve this before realizing that it was a lesson in futility, frustration, and depression. I cannot and will not subject myself to either of their neglect, verbal abuse, or weird version of reality every again.
I do enjoy my job now, but it's only seasonal. I went back to working outside in landscaping because it's my true passion. At the time, shortly after my dad's passing, many people advised me to be kind to myself (which is why I say this to many here now) and it made sense. I gained a strong work ethic from my dad and, while I feared I wasn't physically capable after so many years, I took the risk and it has paid off and helped keep me from spiraling into an uncontrollable depression.
For the most part, life is settling down. During this chaos, I had to do a lot of soul-searching. There is one more aspect of my life that I (almost) wish had been just as chaotic and that is with friends. Or rather the lack of them. Sure, there are people in my life who pay lip service to being my friend. None of them ever so much as made a call to me when I disappeared off the face of the earth nearly 9 years ago when my dad started going through his experience of multiple health problems before his passing. No one initiated or initiates communication, let alone making any plans with me. I've lived in the same home for over 12 years now and no one visits me. This is the greatest source of my loneliness. Sure, I could tell them how this makes me feel, but that feels like it's contrived/set up/staged. Sure, I could join meetup events, but what guarantee does that give of meeting a person of quality who would actually become a friend? I don't need more acquaintances, I need FRIENDS! Even one friend would be great. I don't want to play the role of "Initiator" again and be the one who always calls, always makes plans, always has to leave my home in order to see any of them.
I have hobbies that give great satisfaction, but they aren't the type of hobbies that bring me around droves of people. There is great support though this site and through social media and I've received emails and texts numerous times that have brought me back from the brink of self-destruction. But none of this gives me the face to face and physical contact that I so yearn for.
I've always been a bit of a wallflower, but I communicate well and am friendly, yet have never shaken the knowledge that I'm 'different' from most people. I grew up in an era when people didn't know about or talk about behavioral or emotional difficulties like Aspergers or NPD or even really abusive relationships.
Has anyone else ever experienced this? If so, were you ever able to change it? Does anyone have any suggestions of how to change this?
A bit of background first: in the past few years, I've experienced more life-altering events than I probably did for the ten years before that. They ranged from finding that my biological mother was neglecting my dad who was in the latter stages of Alzheimers and non-hodgkins lymphoma and finding a way to get him the care he needed so much while working 70-hour workweeks, the last two close family members- my dad and my aunt- passing away within a year, an at-fault car accident, being unjustifiably fired from a job and the continued stress of the former employers disputing the unemployment claim (which I did win, but the stress of their covert contacts through their employees by text and emails from them directly was rough), a bout of very serious flu for a month with 104+ temperatures that lasted almost 3 weeks, ending a relationship with a man who had narcissistic personality disorder (not to be confused with a person who is simply narcissistic.), and losing over one third of my income.
While I do have a biological mother, she isn't my Mom. We have no relationship and haven't for years. Same with my brother. I tried for well over a decade to resolve this before realizing that it was a lesson in futility, frustration, and depression. I cannot and will not subject myself to either of their neglect, verbal abuse, or weird version of reality every again.
I do enjoy my job now, but it's only seasonal. I went back to working outside in landscaping because it's my true passion. At the time, shortly after my dad's passing, many people advised me to be kind to myself (which is why I say this to many here now) and it made sense. I gained a strong work ethic from my dad and, while I feared I wasn't physically capable after so many years, I took the risk and it has paid off and helped keep me from spiraling into an uncontrollable depression.
For the most part, life is settling down. During this chaos, I had to do a lot of soul-searching. There is one more aspect of my life that I (almost) wish had been just as chaotic and that is with friends. Or rather the lack of them. Sure, there are people in my life who pay lip service to being my friend. None of them ever so much as made a call to me when I disappeared off the face of the earth nearly 9 years ago when my dad started going through his experience of multiple health problems before his passing. No one initiated or initiates communication, let alone making any plans with me. I've lived in the same home for over 12 years now and no one visits me. This is the greatest source of my loneliness. Sure, I could tell them how this makes me feel, but that feels like it's contrived/set up/staged. Sure, I could join meetup events, but what guarantee does that give of meeting a person of quality who would actually become a friend? I don't need more acquaintances, I need FRIENDS! Even one friend would be great. I don't want to play the role of "Initiator" again and be the one who always calls, always makes plans, always has to leave my home in order to see any of them.
I have hobbies that give great satisfaction, but they aren't the type of hobbies that bring me around droves of people. There is great support though this site and through social media and I've received emails and texts numerous times that have brought me back from the brink of self-destruction. But none of this gives me the face to face and physical contact that I so yearn for.
I've always been a bit of a wallflower, but I communicate well and am friendly, yet have never shaken the knowledge that I'm 'different' from most people. I grew up in an era when people didn't know about or talk about behavioral or emotional difficulties like Aspergers or NPD or even really abusive relationships.
Has anyone else ever experienced this? If so, were you ever able to change it? Does anyone have any suggestions of how to change this?
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Define the ‘70s in five words.
I am glad that you like your new job and that life is beginning to settle down.
I totally understand why you don't want a one sided friendship where it is always you trying to make the connection and make plans. Are you a very social person? Are you around other people very often? Do you go to parties or events in your area? Hmmm. I have heard that there are apps and websites just for making friends to hang out with in person. It has turned into such a digital world. I don't know if you are into meeting people that way. Anyhow. You seem normal to me. You'll find you a true friend. Stay strong.
You've initiated contact but people have not reciprocated; I've hardly ever initiated contact but luckily for me, people have always gravitated towards me. But for the last 10 yrs. or so, for whatever reasons, their contacts have dropped off. It didn't matter as long as I had my wife/soulmate. Then she died this past Spring and I roam this blue rock alone.
Maybe the people to whom you're attracted and with whom you've initiated contact are shy and sub-consciously have the fear of rejection. At teenage dances, I never danced except "lady's choice" and then be blushing 10 shades of red. Maybe they lack the basic social skill of making a move lest they be considered aggressive.
I wish I knew an answer on how to be attractive...in AA we say it is attraction not promotion...guess what I have 20yrs + sobriety and have had just one man ask me to be his sponsor in the very early years but it was simply because he wanted a name on paper to get out of the mental hospital for the weekend...I never saw him again...and I moved off that island sober at 4yrs sober....I have been in St. Louis where more than an island in south pacific ocean could ever hold in AA attend AA.....and nobody here has ever asked me to be their sponsor...none...it hurts but I guess I do not have what they want in my sobriety...I do not do the 12 steps as to the best of the best ways but I do and have done them....
sorry I am ranting I best shut my pie hole...hugs bill
I am glad we are on for coffee when I come to visit my sister in Ohio...hugs
These are actually people I've known for years. I tried to re-initiate contact with them after all these years, so maybe it was too little too late. Maybe they don't believe all of the illnesses my dad endured before he passed away. Even before all of this though, it's always been the norm in my life. It's just that at this point in my life, I feel it more acutely and want to do something to actively change it, yet have no idea how to go about it.