Holidays are a time of great family gatherings, and yet I often still fel very lonely and scared. 

I especially hate Christams. 

I was 8 years old. It was the worst year I every had. The beginning of that year was filled with celebration and by the end of the yaer - I had lost 3 people who loved me so dearly that I still feel the deep saddness of thier loss to this day. I was so volnerable. So scared. And yet the adults around me - my family.... instaed of loving me, caring for me.... helping me understand and deal with the pain and suffering in my heart and mind..... instead they took advantage of me. 

Christmas day. Family. .... 

It hurt. 

I remember how it made my body feel different. Being engulfed by another that way. So confusing. Was I safe? Was this love? If that was it - why did it hurt?

So much I had to sort out from that... so long it took me to answer all he questions. ... label it for what it was....

Every year when Christmas is approaching... I strt to feel the hurt, anger, loneliness. 

For years I felt so lonely on Christmas. It didn't matter what we were doing or who I was with... I knew that everyone else was happy, and I was just confused and hurting. 

It's different now. I can hold some of it back. I can deal with a lot of it far easier than it once was. But when I have moments to think about it - when I allow myself those bits of time.... I still feel lonely. Like everyone else is so excited by the lights and family, and for me - it just feels scarey and overwhelming knowing Christmas day is coming. 

And it will come. And the good thing is, it will pass. New years will come, and I can breathe easy again knowing tha I have another chance. More time to deal with it. Distance myself. More time to make it right. 

And now - More time to protect the children I love and never want them to experience something like this EVER. 

To all of you that I know go through something like this - There is hope. I know there is. I feel for you when you feel this way. I want you to know that I will support you through those times. 

Love to you all, and Merry Christmas. 

:) Susie