I have found out that I am definetly having everyone at my home for Christmas dinner, I just did thanksgiving and that was the first holiday in this house. it is not very big but it did work out, there where 16 people! my sister had been having them she has a big house and we all bring something but she is refusing to do them anymore. my parents are still alive, my dad is 90 and my mom 86 and I love them so much and treasure every moment. luckily we all live near each other. my mom is having very bad emotional problems and my dad id losing some memory but otherwise in good health. I want the remaining holidays with them still alive for all of us to be together. I am having a very hard time though getting into any Christmas spirit, even playing Christmas songs are turning me off. I made myself put the tree up and the wreath is still laying on the table in the porch, not hung up. I hate the spending of money for things people wont really like anyways and I cant afford it right now as I am still on short term disability due to my knee replacement. when I am down and feeling all alone I impulse buy and I did it last night, went to marshalls with the plan to get something to wear Christmas. I did find my moms gift but I did buy an outfit, I have to return it today. I either used to turn to food, which now I am afraid of or spending money. I don't know if this post belongs here but I didn't know where else to go. I am just not feeling right and it is a bit of depression rearing up, I am taking meds and my anxiety has been high. I feel lost without my sister, she is away, not that we see each other all the time but I cant even reach her. I do to many things that are meant to do alone, like walking, going to the gym, reading, I have totally been isolating myself yet am bored silly. I don't know, I just woke up feeling down and out this morning with the day stretching long ahead.